Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Oh gosh, it will be "we don't have a kitchen can we stay with you?" next.

Yikes, I think you might be onto something there unfortunately. It also ramps up the chaos factor. But it's not the OP's problem, however he might try to frame it. He's their parent, he needs to take full responsibility for everything from now on. He wasn't and won't be helping OP fulfil her 'share' of his parenting duties.

I told him not to come round unannounced. So now he is asking and respecting the response when I say no. Not sure how this spells disaster but appreciate you are all being cautious and wary on my behalf.

No way will he try that. He knows it won’t fly.

We never had the house to ourself. It feels strange but also very nice.

Peter 👏 Pan 👏 Syndrome

this is spot on.

Yeah, it's just the coming around whether unannounced or requested, whether with breakfast or to hold you or to talk kitchens - none of it is in the spirit of you drawing a line and both of you needing to have some time apart. It doesn't spell disaster, it's subtler and more insidious than that, even if it's not intended to be. It means you have to keep saying no, which is hard to sustain, and he knows it. If he really respected your wishes, he wouldn't keep asking. But anyway, it's good that you're feeling firm and have faith that he won't cross the line now.

He didn’t come round to talk kitchens. Just messaged. I’m feeling ok and think he is not doing too badly at the moment in terms of respecting my boundaries. Let’s see if it lasts.

Hey Pithy, I have been following all this and admire your courage and determination to be happy for YOU and not people pleasing others. You go girl!

However, please please be wary that the drama farmers on here will eventually get bored and I truly hope that you have outside support to keep you going.

It's like when someone dies, there are friends all around, then the funeral happens and it dwindles and that is when the real lows can hit. I really hope you can avoid that support waning and the lows not hitting. Meant with kindness and I've been there after a break up and it's bloody awful!

Sending you positive thoughts for an amazing future, however that may look for you x

That’s so sweet of you to say. I’m grand though, no budding codependence on this thread I promise. I have friends in the village and plenty to keep me busy. I’m all good. For the moment anyway. 😅🫠

Sounds really lovely!

My H and I both work from home and the other day he and the last nestling were both out for almost a full day. I had been looking forward to it for weeks and when they finally both left, I walked around the house for 20 minutes waving my arms expansively and saying blissfully, "Aaaah! Aaaah!" Then I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do first: watch a crappy movie that both of them would hate, crawl into bed with a cup of tea and a book, have a long bath while listening to screaming feminist music... It was over far too soon :)

I see he's still testing your boundaries but hopefully is hearing your no and respecting it.

Laying your rug is a good idea. Now that it's you and your son, you can think about if you want to make any more changes that work for you two and implement those once all his and his kids' stuff is off to his. You can make your place your own.

It sounds like he had at least a bit of money stashed but it's good news that he's getting his flat in order to take care of his kids.

This is going to sound a bit odd, but if you're a foodie and like to cook, take an extra minute or two to plate your food nicely. It can make you feel a bit cared for when you've missed that and makes it look a bit more appealing. Hopefully you can see your friends regularly.

Quite rude to call posters on here, who have generously shared life experiences similar to the OPs, dramafarmers. In that case you qualify as one yourself simply by posting.

I was reading your previous thread but I don’t think I commented. The last part I got to, was you saying you were going to talk to him that evening I think?
Assume the chat didn’t go too well?!

Delurking to say I've never lived with my partner as i definitely did not want to be a step parent to his 3 kids (one with ADHD). I have one DS and our house is calm and peaceful. I see my partner a couple of nights a week and we've done this for 12 years so it can work!
We may live together when all kids are independent but I'm in no rush as i love my peace and quiet.
Well done OP.

On the up side this is going to be straightforward since there are no assets to divide so once his stuff is gone, it’s a clean break. I know you’re trying to keep it amicable but you’ve a rollercoaster of emotions ahead and 30 days agreed no contact to get your head straight without him influencing that I would strongly recommend. He will use you as a crutch to process his feelings about all this and it’ll hold you back. Just a suggestion, from experience. It’s good you have lots of support, draw on them and protect your peace at all costs. You’re doing great.

You were smarter than I was to impose this from the beginning. Well done 👏 ❤️

Please don’t quarrel. You’re all bloody brilliant and I love yas and am very very grateful for the stalwart support and unparalleled advice. Onwards x

I'm not talking about the ones sharing their experiences?! I'm not sure where you got that impression.

I'm talking about the ones telling her to call police etc making the drama worse (farming the drama) when it simply wasn't needed and she had clearly already said that it being kept amicable.

Edited as totally missed a word out first time! 🤦🏻‍♀️

He sounds like he is very into grand romantic gestures (showing up with breakfast etc).

I know you said he absolutely won't do this, but the next obvious grand gesture could well involve his kids. Again, not in a consciously manipulative way, but if his kids are upset to not be with you as usual on the weekend, I can really see him facilitating posting/delivering handmade cards; or the kids wanting to video call you; or "I know they can't go to the party but we already had a present for your son and they really want to give it to him."

I think you may need to be very clear ahead of time about what this weekend and future weekends look like. If he hasn't managed to tell his kids you have separated yet, he is going to be flailing around in total emotional turmoil come Friday.

@PithyBeaker

I agree with NOT telling the ex. Why risk putting yourself in the midst of their drama? A PP was right, she'll find out from the kids if he doesn't have the balls to tell her.

And yes, where did he get the money for a new kitchen? I know you CBA but I do think it points to him having at least some money stashed away.

Enjoy the peace and calm. It was one of the major things that hit me when I left esDH. My circumstances are very different from yours, but the result is the same; our space is now truly ours. My first night I think I just sat in my very tidy living room with complete silence surrounding me for 2 or 3 hours. It was so peaceful I felt slightly unnerved. But I got used to it real soon.

"we already had a present for your son and they really want to give it to him"

This is a very possible scenario. OP, it might be good to head that off at the pass so that you're not put on the spot.

Op, you are doing great 👍

Sorry, edited to say I tried to quote @VimtoDemon

OK I understand. But they have been very few and far between. This thread has held such a high standard (posters have been globally respectful, wise and empathetic compared to other threads) so that's why I thought it was unfair to call posters dramafarmers.
But I do agree with you that those few who are telling OP to take radical measures when it's uncalled for are not helping. Some surely love the drama but some are probably projecting their own experiences of exes that have turned violent and want to protect OP. Luckily @PithyBeaker seems to be very level-headed and intelligent so I think that she is open to hear us out but when it's come to making decisions, especially radical ones, I trust her to trust her own instinct. If her ex becomes violent or threatrning I'm sure she will file a complaint. As for now he's just trying to nibble on her boundaries and she's steadily pushing back so all is good. Not all men are prone to violence thank god.

Here’s the thing these men never get - the thing that finally pushes you over the edge is the thing they keep repeating in the hope it will ‘win’ someone back.
So Peter Pan here needs to tell OP about the Ikea kitchen, bless him.
Imagine if he said right, I’ve messed up and I’m going to work on all of this on my own, in my flat, and I’m going to do better at being present for my kids. And then said I’m going to cut contact and it’s not fair on either of us, and I wish you well.
And then over the next few months did exactly that.
There is a chance, a small chance he could redeem himself, even if OP bumped into him in a year and he’d made huge changes, she may not want him back, but she could have renewed respect for him.
Creating a distance makes us all wonder how the other person is. The constant messaging usually underlines all the reasons why someone has had enough in the first place.
This man has a whole life to sort out and wants to…. come around and see OP.
Because actually he doesn’t want meaningful change. He just wants to make a bit of noise, go back to how things were, may make an effort for a few weeks, job done.