Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Very, very good analysis here. Spot on. If I had three children to house, and only a small flat and a week to get everything done, I don't think I would be bothering to waste time constantly approaching the person who had just told me she didn't want to live with me anymore!

I have a friend who lived separately from DP for 10 years. She had 4 children and him 1. Most of hers are adults now, it’s a massive squish at Christmas but they enjoy it.
I wish more women realised it’s a sensible option, I think the benefits of shared bills are too appealing though.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. You did what seemed like the right thing at the time and that went wrong in a way you couldn’t really have predicted. It sounds like he probably pushed to live together given his stance, and maybe the Pp’s partner hasn’t ever done that. You did have the foresight not to buy a place together - there have been plenty of threads written by women who bought together and then when they want out it’s a lot messier so you should be proud of the way you’ve handled it all.

This reminds me of "Sort Your Life Out" where Stacey inevitably decides with a few hours to go, that she'll tit around making bedside tables out of breadbins, or collages of STUFF, while Rob is LITERALLY remaking the interiors, Dilly is elbows-deep in the kitchen cupboards and even Ieuan is wielding the lemon juice and bicarb with enormous vigour.

Ah but OP is the magic solution. If he can unlock a reversal of her decision, then she will miraculously fix everything and the headache of working out for himself will be spared him. He's seeing that prospect as worth the effort.

Keep on keeping on OP. Friday might bring some wobbles but you've got this 👍

I spent nearly 3 years not living with new man. We were an hour apart, and I loved the cadence of our relationship. We managed to sync up our custody cycles so he had his kids when I had mine (all teens), and they didn't meet until we'd been together 7 years and they were all adults. I'd usually go to him midweek when my kids were at their father's for the night, and he'd come to me on the weekends they were away. Our relationship was separate from my life, and I am really glad we had that time, and could both recover from unhealthy marriages with our own space

Then covid happened (which I imagine affected your relationship as well Pithy) and we had to choose whether he moved in or not. He couldn't see his son at that point anyway as he was over 18 and doing Alevels (or not actually) so custody arrangements didn't trump lockdown, and I was clinically vulnerable, so he wanted to be around to look after me. I still think it was a bit too soon, and we had to carefully negotiate my need for space, and his need for company, but we got there, and now he's fine with evenings where he does stuff downstairs and I hide in our bedroom because I am peopled out (and he comes to top my wine up on a regular basis). The really important part of that is that we both compromised on our ideal and reached a happy medium of being together and space from each other. Your ex has openly said he's not willing to compromise with you on his ideal family life. And still somehow expects you to take him back

Enjoy your peace and quiet OP, pls stay strong! Maybe stop engaging with him on every message he sends, I can see you are feeling sorry for him. Remember him calling you an c* numerous times, and his kids wrecking your house. Remember he had a bad side when you were together. I know people who had horrific childhoods and are ND, and they are the kindest partners to their other halves. Don’t let him use his childhood as an excuse as to how he treated you.

Sounds like you have just moved into your own new home 🏡 🌟 Without all the stress of moving yourself.

Putting down your rug was a great move, huge step towards making your home just yours (and your son's). Once all your ex partner's stuff is gone it will feel like a new start.

Unfortunately most men, not all, but most, really don't want to be the lead person in the home.

They don't want to carry the mental load, they would much rather "help", be directed, take zero primary responsibility.

This is hard enough to tolerate if you share children, but to do it for a lazy avoidant man and HIS children, children that are not biologically yours, is truly beyond me.

The teen years are not easy and I am not even talking the hard stuff.

I'm talking mess, tidying up, constant running them places, making sure they are safe, monitoring alcohol, friends, them no longer wanting to eat meals at regular times.

I have great children, all very successful academically, but I have dealt with all of the above.....and I still think I haven't had a particularly rough decade + compared with some.

As you get well into the teen years, you will be beyond grateful that the only child you have this responsibility for, is your own.

It is so easy to see why newly single men will target any soft soul that is prepared to do the very heavy lifting for them.

Indeed watch out he doesn't try to impose with a gift.
Far better he and his children give your son space.

We have discussed and he has said he will not bring them. I believe him. Some messages this evening, but on the whole nothing dreadful. Mostly just telling me stuff about the flat and all his plans for it. I’ve got an early start tomorrow, night all - and thank you 🙏

@PithyBeaker support message. Bear in mind you are going to have to deal with lots of loss grief and sadness yet to come, it is early doors and you went from 0 to 60mph in a very short time, no bad thing.

some people on here are quite challenging about what you should and should not do, and how to conduct this separation. My sense is you know your own mind, and will assess and make good decisions for you and your child.

So my point is expect to be up and down.

expect regret, maybe a rush of anger and rage.

Expect emotionally the unexpected.

So hold on tight

and keep your threads going when you need them.

Sleep well

Have a good night, OP.

Btw, you've been running on adrenaline for more than a week, so prepare yourself for the crash - ie really heavy exhaustion, maybe brain fog, perhaps some depression. It's completely normal, it's just your body regulating itself. Give yourself and your hardworking body the time and space to heal.

You’re doing really well honestly. So pleased for you and your son that this individual is gone! Cannot believe he actually said he’d be up for sleeping with you as part of an open relationship 🤢 after you’ve been together years!!

@PithyBeaker are you engaging every time he sends you an update? And straight away?

make sure you manage communication in a way that has you in charge - you don’t need to pat him on the back every time you’re informed he’s bought a tin opener or something else which a grown adult could do without thinking or asking reward for. And communication with you could very well be the reward he is looking for. Maybe he thinks him showing you he’s being a responsible human (in his eyes) for a few days will be enough for you to back down and resume normal service!

look after yourself
x

I would have thought collecting the necessary beds and furniture from your house would be his first priority. Is this sudden focus in improving the flat a plan to rent it out or sell it with the aim of you all living together in a bigger house you both own? Why is he telling you all this, you're not together any more. He's not going to let you give up the role of stepmother easily and that is what he sees you as.

I am wondering if he will cancel having his kids this w/e, as no food available due to revamping his kitchen.. (anyway, so far has no beds ?)
But, I agree, you dont want to know if he has gone to ikea, what cupboards he’s chosen, when is the delivery, when its built……etc.
Please stop responding to his messages. Or even read them one by one as they hit your inbox. He is keeping you engaged & you ultimately need to sever contact.
You said you wanted to remain friends, like say “Hi how are you?” if you bump into him in the pub. But this is nit that, its insidious & not helping turn the page.

I am most certainly NOT responding to every message. But I am indicating support for him sorting out the flat for him to live there w the kids - because I do support that. I understand everyone is afraid I’m so weak-minded that I’m just going to say oh never mind, undo, but I am not like that and I am very clear that I do not want to live with him and his children. This was a huge step to take and I haven’t taken it lightly. I have been unwavering in making that point clear and do not intend to start about-facing now. He is collecting the kids’ beds tomorrow. Because they are going to his flat on Friday and he needs the beds. I know he has started to tell people too as his brother is coming to help him sort some stuff at the flat. Onwards x

Excellent

It was his first priority. I have said he can get the beds on Thursday as it’s not convenient for me before that. He wanted to get them sooner so he has more time to sort stuff before Friday.

OP, I've read all 3 of your threads on this and I applaud you for your calm and clear sighted approach. You are doing what's right for you and your ds. Good luck

I think you have done amazingly, and I wish people would not keep jumping on you for every decision that you make as if to prove that you are doing it wrong and 'letting him back in'

I can tell from your attitude and writing that you are really done with him - his behaviour and proclamations since you asked him to leave have icked you out, even if you hadnt quite been at that point before, and the clarity that has come with space and reflection on other posters comments seems to have made you turn the corner with him. I can also understand you being sad and lonely in the moment, and upset that it all went to shit, and he just wanted another mummy to protect him and do the grown up stuff. Thats natural, but upset is a natural process and expressing it doesnt mean you are caving in and letting him back.

You sound like a kind woman. You sound as if you naturally have care for someone who you loved, who HAS moved out without too much of a fight, and who obviously needs some help to learn to function in the real world. I can understand that, and why you want to be kind about it, whilst maintaining your boundary and and making sure that the removal of his stuff goes to your convenience. I dont see that as jumping to his tune. I imagine over time that the messages will slow down and I think you are letting them run the natural course.

I dont think that calls to the police for harassment are helpful or necessary. He went. Yes he tried his luck with all his manipulation techniques. No it didnt work. But it hasnt got dangerous. It doesnt sound as if it will. Just sad. Sad for him that he is still in small boy pattern and hasnt recognised that he needs to take responsibility for himself to grow into an adult man, and sad for you that someone you loved and trusted took advantage of you and didnt step up.

Every word of this, especially last paragraph. Thank you, this is correct.

I'm in agreement with how you are handling this.

You didn't throw him out after some blazing row, you loved and cared fo him.
You simply asked for respect from his DC towards your home and him to spend time with you, he took umpage and said it's all or nothing and he chose to move out, probably not reckoning that you'd just let him go on his merry way and do nothing to stop him. You called his bluff.

You're handling this with grace, which must be pretty shit for him because it's showing him what a good person he's let slip through his hands.

It's important to do things your own way, or they don't feel right. I used to try and do things the way everyone told me to, but always got such a whiplash feeling from it that I sometimes ended up backtracking!

Only you know your situation, him, and how you feel about it and him.

You are obviously navigating this difficult and painful situation in the way that feels right to you. And that's the only way to do it.