Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Pithy of course you will be happy again.
There is nothing wrong with you.

You have survived awful times, you have ended an unhealthy relationship, you have a beautiful boy and a lovely home. 🥰

Please be kind to yourself.

IF at some point down the line you do decide to dip your toe in the dating pool again (though I advise you don't rush into this) I very much recommend the Burnt Haystack method. There's a group on FB for it that you could join to learn and observe. It's based on linguistic patterns in men's dating profiles to weed out all the wrong men and find the right one.

I'm not looking to date at the moment, I'm very very happy being single but I'm in the group to learn and it's so eye opening! It's also quite entertaining in an eye brow raising way! 🤣

OMG, please, Pithy, don't take this man's lies to heart.

You'll never be happy with anyone? All you wanted was some coffee, some walks and some basic respect for your home and family.

One of our human foibles is that we are susceptible to repetition as a pathway to belief even if we know consciously that what's being repeated is false. He's hammering and hammering on the story that he's the good guy and hoping it sticks (if only for his own self-image).

Read the whole three threads again from the top. And keep posting here. We'll set you straight.

Oh, Pithy, I do feel for you, he's really pushed your buttons, AND you've just got your period! Not a good combo...

When you're not so hormonal, and you've got his messages in perspective, you will be able to reflect on the reality of your relationship, as you have always done on here.

And you will recognise that his messages have one thing in common - they are all aimed at blaming you (you're selfish, a bad communicator) and absolving him (he's thoughtful, loving).

And as for saying that you are too damaged for a relationship - that is him reaching for the worst thing he can say, to hurt you the most. And that is, I think, truly despicable of him, knowing your history.

We are all damaged, Pithy, in different ways, and for different reasons. That's just life. Most of us have several serious relationships in our lifetimes, which work for a period of time, and then don't. For all sorts of reasons.
We all carry baggage.

I know that you were hurt in the worst way by someone who was supposed to love and protect you.

You have survived that.

You will survive this break up.

He was not 'the one'.

You will take some time to heal from him, enjoy time with your son, and maybe (probably) one day find someone who can be your equal in a loving relationship.

He could not be that person.

Give yourself grace, eat/drink something that makes you feel good.
Hug your darling son when you get home to your clean, calm, and peaceful house.
Organise getting rid of his stuff very soon.
And block him.

(As an aside, the reason why you have had to post 3 threads is, I think, the honesty and sincerity you have shown in every post.
Also, your willingness to reflect on your own words and actions.
And your engagement with people who have commented.
You may be damaged, but you are also compassionate, self reflective and insightful. Keep being you.).

💐

It could only be your "fault" if you have magic powers to transform a person into an absolute twat.

Him turning out to be a twat is all on him, in fact.

Ah Pithy, you are only just entering your PRIME!

He doesn't come anywhere close to being the best one out there. He has and is, treating you with utter disrespect and his sense of entitlement to everything you have remains off the scale.

Enjoy your Paris weekend with your son xx

Not looking to date but interested in this. I will have a look

Bawling. 😭 thank you.

I can understand how you feel op. It's been almost 2 decades since I left my abusive exh and I still occasionally feel angry with him. He stole my 20s. Because the gaslighting was so intense I can't remember the early days with my eldest two children.

Please keep reminding yourself that he's acting out right now. He needs a team of enablers waving the flag for him , and he will probably find it. This is why you need to get his stuff in a storage unit and block him. Stop being his audience and start healing from his abuse.

@PithyBeaker having nobody is better than having a shit partner who takes you for granted . You’ve seen his true colours now so it’s time to give him a deadline for removal of any more stuff and then block him

Is this not alpha quality gaslighting?

You treated him badly by accommodating him and his children for five years. So badly he had to be asked to leave.

Your poor communication is responsible for his name calling - not unless he is a ventriloquist’s dummy.

“You never did … but if you did you didn’t do it well enough” = your place is in the wrong.

Loving = The cancelled cup of coffee

Respectful = no time for a walk, not tidying up after his children, wanting your son not to spend so much time at home

Worshipped you = no he did not, or he would have valued spending time with you.

He is not full - or indeed even a quarter full - of the light of self knowledge - and this is probably why he can’t see you as you are at all.

You're still letting him live in your headspace.

You thought he was one man and desperately want him to be that man but as you lived together, you found he was another. That's the real him present and future.

There is no epiphany coming for him. He's not going to self reflect and become a different man because you're not being his in home support person. That is not him. He's not going to grow up, this is him as a grown up. He will simply not function in more chaos that you're not managing and spending your money on for him.

Keeping contact will not change him. He's not interested in anything other than you sharing everything with him. You give, he takes. He wants what comes along with you, a nice large home, stability, more money for him because he doesn't have to pay rent or the cleaner and a life that you facilitate for him. That made his life better. He wanted your son in his own home less so he could take more from you, despite being all about his kids. He sure wasn't all about you and your kid. A man who lived off you and in doing do, made the life of you and your son stressed and lesser. And when he doesn't get that, he gets spiteful and vindictive. He's got a mean streak that he's indulging in with you. He doesn't sound interested in keeping your relationship going while living apart. He'd rather do breakup drama and guilt you into taking he and his kids back in. His life is worse now and he blames you for that.

He benefitted at your expense and your son's expense and so did his ex.

That is not the best you can get, Pithy. Not even close.

What you need to look at is what you got from this setup that you're clinging on to. Then figure out how that translates to a healthy relationship.

Pithy, you are allowed to feel sad, angry, lonely, whatever you feel at the moment. I used to look at couples walking and wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn't keep a husband or get a partner. Eventually the feelings disappeared. He was not for you. He wasn't the man you hoped he'd be. But you decided that, not him. You are strong and clear headed and you can make rational decisions. I take my hat off to you.

One thing I have found helpful in dealing with this kind of thing and the hankering about those good times is to make yourself remember the bad ones! Think back to those arguments, the chaos, the feeling taken advantage of etc. That's what you need to focus on.

Sputnik Spud is on the money every time ❤️

Honestly Op if it's not all on his terms (you supply the housing & clean up after his kids) then he's not interested.

You could have lived apart & seen each other, but no.

That would have suited a lot of people I would have thought.

The thing is @PithyBeaker you are already more mature than this guy, and when the time is right, you need an equal, not a spoilt overgrown teenager to deal with.
A decent, mature man, had you ended a relationship would be hurt, but respect you for it. He wouldn’t give you a character assisination sent via 3,200 text messages.
And you think you’ve let the best one go?
You are having a down day and four/five years of your life is not a waste.
We live, and learn.
Next time, you will realise if you are serious about someone and vice versa you don’t move them into your home so quickly. You don’t clean up after their kids or fund their lifestyle.
This site is FULL of women whose lives have changed around 40 who have felt crap for a while and then built happier futures, with or without a partner.
I got out of something with someone at your age - he had two daughters, younger than me, and it was a nightmare.
Then I took some time out and eventually met someone else. That was 12 years ago now.
I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t want.
This ex guy of yours had neither emotional maturity nor intelligence. He is trying to saturate your mind - you are allowing him to walk through it in his dirty shoes.
Having just watched a friend continue to have these conversations for two whole years after she ended things, with good reason, it only ended when she blocked him. There’s not much left of her to speak of now because she continued to listen about what a damaged soul she was/is. It got very, very nasty in the end.
He is sending you all this shit with NO concern about how it’s landing.
It will take time but one thing I have learned with time is that allowing this contact is causing you pain. He’s causing the pain and now you are really allowing it.
Saying that as someone who took 45 years to work it out.
To these men who go scorched earth and want to destroy someone, any access equals success. If he can’t have your resources and attention then abuse will still get some attention, and that makes him feel good.

You’re tired and sad because it’s been an exhausting few years. You are suffering that ‘teacher school holiday’ syndrome. You’ve been going full tilt on adrenaline, not looking after yourself, and now there’s a pause.

So you are paused, in a collapse in a heap of with exhaustion, needing to catch up on several years of self care kind of way.

That’s ok. At some point, you’ll sleep for a week. Look around and ditch the last few reminders of a man who wasn’t what he claimed to be, and go out and smell the coffee!

I mean, yes- you’ve had your fingers burnt! You’ll be a bit wary for a while, but you’ll also enjoy peaceful time with your son, and getting to cook for two- TWO!- unimaginable luxury!

I’ve been chief cook and bottle washer for a household of 6 kids. That’s a lot of feckin washing! Cooking two feels like making a sandwich, in comparison.

Lean into great times with your son, your friends, other family. Revel in the energy you are going to have, now. You’ll get there, you will!

I meant to say op , I hope you have a wonderful weekend , your plans sound amazing.

I know you're still working your way through the end of your relationship but try not let this loser ruin your time away. Fwiw the reason he's throwing his toys out of the pram is because he knows that he won't find another woman like you. He got too comfortable and fucked up , let his mask slip. He's (predictably) taking it out on you. The world is full of people that don't behave like this and if/when you're ready you will find one.

@PithyBeaker you reeeeeeally need to listen to ALL the pp and @outerspacepotato and STOP listening to Captain Chaos the fucktrumpet. That apology for a real man needs blocking asap, perhaps if you reread your previous posts you might remember some of the other reality and focus on the real him, not the wished/hoped for dream.

He is the one whose thrown the best person away

You’re fucking amazing Pithy

Fucktrumpet😂

Oh come on Pithy, chin up.
Whats happening here, is he hasn’t for an instant taken on board that it was his own shit selfish behavior that brought you to rupture point.
So he's blaming you rather than accept he was the one who caused his ejection from his nice profitable situation.
You know he ignored you, he couldn’t even bring you a coffee, he let his kids trash your house. & then said YOUR son should go.
It has nothing to do with trauma or therapy or the hurt you've suffered.
He is using these things to get you to doubt yourself because he likes the comfort you & your house bring
Really the only response is. “Oh do Fuck off you selfish childish little man.
(Oh & your posessions moving out before X, or they will be disposed of.)”
Have a good week end

@PithyBeaker

he almost has me believing it. I keep second guessing myself, like have I just thrown the best one away. Bc there were wonderful times and he could be loving, kind, patient, funny, adorable… oh, dear. There I go again. Can’t stop crying today. Just got my period. Must be related.

Like, maybe it really was all my fault (too damaged goods) and I will never be happy with anyone. That’s how I feel right now.

And I think this is why it may be time for you to consider blocking him. You don't need to subject yourself to that emotional roller coaster.

I know you are strong and that deep down you know you did the right thing, but they can still make us feel ‘wrong’. We are so used to believing what they tell us that even if our brains know they’re talking bollocks, our hearts still default to giving credence to what they say. And then we have to ‘work our way back’ to what we know deep down to be true. And it can be hard, having to get rid of their words and replacing them (again) with our hard earned truths. So when that happens, it’s best to silence them in the only way we have, and that’s blocking them. You aren’t doing it to be cruel or ‘snotty’. You’re doing it for self preservation.

Such great advice above.
Absolutely, your period intensifies your emotions.

You can see that he has completely rewritten what actually occurred....AKA....he's a fxxking liar.
How convenient.
How predictable.
He was 100% masking, until he felt he didn'thave to.

It doesn't serve his view of his immature selfish self to acknowledge he was an abusive uncaring liar, that allowed his jealousy and annoyance of you not buying the house with him, nor wanting to risk your sons home by marrying him, to give him the entitlement to treat you poorly.

He has such an inflated narcissistic view of himself, that he really believed he could live for free, use you, allow your house to be thrashed, not even be prepared to bring you a coffee, and you would accept it, that you too would believe this was all you deserved.

Yes there were happy moments, there always are in abusive relationships, otherwise how would he have moved into your home within months!?

But the real guy was him over the past 18 months, his poor treatment of you, and now his convenient rewriting of history to suit him.

He's a liar and not even a good one.
He's absolutely delusional.

Cry your tears and get it out, thats ok.
But put a time limit on how long you entertain this total rewriting of history by this spectacularly selfish immature man, who thinks you and the world owes him everything, no matter how poorly he behaves.

You are woth 10 of him.

@PithyBeaker

When my bestest pal split up from her ex (he was also her DD father and were together since their teens) he did similar, made out that she was throwing away a prize male specimen, and she was damaged and wouldn't get anyone else, blah blah blah. 🫩
He never lifted a finger (weaponised incompetence), would often propose whilst drunk out of his skull (then backtrack whilst sober), barely spent any time with her or their DD, and expected to be mothered and looked after. Basically a spoilt man-child. 🙄

My pal got very upset and asked me:
Why won't he change and step up?
Why can't he be the man I know he can be?
Why wont he fight for me?
Fight for us and our relationship?
Am I not enough?

And I answered - truthfully...
because he simply doesn't want to.
this is NOT about you.
It's about him and his comfort and anything besides that would take effort.
And lazy selfish men dont make ANY effort. Making ALL THE EFFORT WAS YOUR JOB.
😳

She was heartbroken and tried to remain in contact, and he just met someone else and rubbed it in her face, and tried to guilt her and keep her as a side chick! She was bereft.💔

Then she and their DD decided to relocate to a completely different part of the UK to be by her maternal family.
Her daughter thrived in school, and wasn't worried about her dads moods/ sulks anymore, and my pal built herself back-up over time.
She began to smile again and make plans, and enjoy herself in her lovely little flat 💕

Then later on she met someone, a decent guy who actually cares to make the effort.
He's a good egg and they live separately amd it works! He has older teen boys and they all actually get on really well 😎
She smiles and laughs now, and I mean proper belly laughs loudly into the air - which is a lovely sight to behold. 🥰
It's a far cry away from that poor heartbroken lass, who didn't think she was enough.

The truth was, she was always enough, and she could fly high, but she could never spread her wings and soar, whilst he was pulling her down to drown in the sea below.

What Would Pithy Do? (WWPD) - this saying is now legendary on here 🙌

So cut the cord.
And cut contact.
Spread your wings wide and learn to soar solo babe 😘
You got this, you beautiful human 💎
@PithyBeaker