Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Using PTSD against you as a reason to mistreat you is the lowest of the lowest of the low.

again, it’s just so obvious when you say it. But would never have got there on my own

Yes I thought this as well. The children will ultimately get dumped back with birth mother and he will have to pay maintenance. His kids will see him for what he really is and probably be keen to stay with mum too. I'm sure he still has a good relationship with her as he used OP financially whilst giving extra to her.

He weaponized therapy against you before. I thought I remembered that. Never go to therapy with him.

Yes have had therapy. As mentioned, therapist loved him thought he was brilliant and told me I needed to compromise.

ultimately it doesnt matter what or why you asked him to leave, its your choice to do so. You dont owe him your life and you are free to make decisions on the most spurrious of reasons if you had wanted.

He just conveniently gave you shit tons of good reasons

He sounds very emotionally abusive and manipulative. I’m sorry @PithyBeakeryou deserve so much better from the people you choose to have in your life.

Im in awe of the strength and presence of mind you’ve had so far.

He's started up again because he's had the weekend/36 hours without the kids following a week in his one bedroomed flat. He's just got his space back. And he's thinking about Friday when it will start all over again.

And he's probably looked into the cost of renting or buying a bigger place and realised how cheap and easy it was to be at yours. Just wait for the electricity bill to come in and he'll step up the pestering even more.

And imagine yourself reading your new bill and thinking there must be a mistake because it's so low.

He knows how much chaos it will be when he has to look after the children again, and he's dreading it. So he's turned to the next page in the Getting A Woman To Look After You and Your Kids In Her Big House, (Especially Your Kids), play book and is using that.

Fortunately you have Mumsnet and we have bigger and better play books and we've read his, (it's rubbish by the way) so between us all, you have the bigger team.

If his stuff is still at yours, then give him a deadline to collect and get a house clearance company to remove it all the day after that if it's still there.

"You dont owe him your life and you are free to make decisions on the most spurrious of reasons if you had wanted."

Right! My sister once dumped a rather nice bf because "his toes were so hairy, I got grossed out one morning when I saw them at the end of my bed, and that was the end."

(Of course, it was really because she felt they were fundamentally incompatible but she couldn't find the words for why, so she latched onto this one tiny aspect instead.)

In any case, OP, you don't owe ex a damned thing. You have been more than fair and kind to him. Don't let him get into your head.

And for sure never go to therapy with him, since @outerspacepotato reminded us he ran rings around the last therapist.

I think you may still be giving him to much head space.

He called you a cunt.

That surely shows how he feels.

feeling much better today

Very happy to hear this. Everyone here is rooting hard for you!

He already weaponized your previous therapy to undercut you and not trust your feelings. Now he's using the knowledge he gained about where you're vulnerable from that to undercut your decision to have him move out.

Horrible messages are such a strange tactic to try to lure an ex back in. Who enjoys reading that kind of bullshit. I think he's caught on that you're not letting him back in and this is part of his acting out. He's trying to guilt trip you and attack your mental health that he did nothing to support while he lived with you.

Since he's really stepped over the line here, I'd be really inclined to send something like this. He needs to stop sending you horrible messages and get his stuff.

Dear Dude,

You're right, I'm a horrible person for asking you and your kids to leave my clean, comfortable, roomy home that you paid no rent into and the cleaner that I paid for to clean it after you and your kids trashed it every other week. Bullet dodged. Today is your lucky day, go buy a lottery ticket. 👍

Pithy

PS: I will make a 6 hour window available for you or your movers to remove the rest of your belongings on dates x, x, or x. Your things need to be removed by date x. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Adding, The tone of your posts from your first thread to now are so different. You sounded ground down, like you were at the end of your rope, and couldn't see an end in sight, almost despairing. Now you sound more upbeat and you get excited about things.

Ah, so it was all your fault all along, Pithy. The scales have dropped from my eyes! What a turd of a man to try to turn this on you.
We have all made dodgy decisions along the way.
You are now making good decisions, including getting rid of the man-child. You are putting your welfare and that of your child first. More power to you.
I can only echo what others have said in encouraging you to sever all ties. He has outlived his usefulness and does not deserve to take up space in your life.
Stay strong, lovey. You are doing so, so well ❤️

That was my solo therapy. Not been w him.

Really doubt it. He will never give up 50% custody IMO

It will be so low!!! He had a hybrid so no more charging (although I should really get one as I’m sure it’d be cheaper than my old diesel guzzler)

Now you sound more upbeat and you get excited about things.

Thanks to you, dearest Potato ❤️
getting weepy again.

You should see the messages. All of them are about the impact of all of this on him and how horrible I’ve been

It's a strange way to woo a lady that's for sure,

If you're so horrible why is he so desperate to be with you. I had this with a toxic relationship - long, rambling messages about how awful I was and how they would struggle to forgive me.

Erm, I don't want you to forgive me mate, I've done nothing that needs to be forgiven, I just want you to fuck off. Which, thankfully, they did in the end but my there was some bullshit to wade through lol

Ignore, ignore, ignore and then ignore some more, is my advice.

I think you have his measure by now, but just to point out that he's really showing you who he is here:
that’s why he disengaged and started being uncaring

Whatever his why is, he was being disengaged and uncaring (and whatever else he has copped to as well). And uncaring is a pretty strong word - not I was careless, or I was overwhelmed or something. He was uncaring. Unkind. By the sounds of it on purpose.

It's easy to want the enjoyment of 50/50 when it doesn't cost you in time/effort/hassle etc etc. up till now you have borne the brunt of that so win win for him (the way he likes it😁)
Obviously I don't know him but from the outside he sounds unwilling to put in the hard graft and he's in pain. Will he be willing to endure the pain and hassle for long? Genuine question.

I think you need to let go of this perception of him that he's a decent guy really. You've been very supportive of him to the point of being defensive on his behalf but everything you describe and all the messages you've paraphrased show he is a selfish user who is either unwilling or incapable of taking genuine responsibility for his behaviour and he's turning nasty now, as he was always going to when he realised you might not back down.

Don't fall for his nasty, manipulative bullshit. All he wants is you providing for him and his kids again.

I think this man needs to grow up. He has young children who need his care and attention and he’s spending hours ‘crafting’ these messages to @PithyBeaker
He has absolutely no care for how they land when they reach her - that’s heaping pain on someone who does not deserve it.
If he had spend any time reflecting he’d think - I am not happy with this outcome but I need to get my act together. My kids need a home and a dad and that must come first.
If he did actually grow up a bit OP might actually see something decent in him, but it’s too hard for him. He is just another child OP had under her roof.
He decided to get married and have a tribe of kids long before he met OP, but then he found himself solo, she was the perfect solution.
I admire OP here so much - for someone who has been through so much she’s made lots of decent life decisions.
As for joint therapy imagine sitting through that - shall we talk about when you used to call me a c*nt or skip straight to when you offered FWB?

Actually at a certain level, you HAVE got there on your own:

You got most of the way along your decision process, and then sought out appropriate support on this forum, and you found it, and you come back when you have a wobble, and you are therefore able to stand behind the courageous but correct decision that you took.

Nobody did it for you.

I think it's got to the stage when you just tell him "Enough, collect the rest of your stuff, I'm done." You deserve some peace now, he's not worth any more of your time.

To these men access = success and they cling to it.
A decent person feels it’s brutal to cut contact but it is the only way.

Just a suggestion.

Can you block him on your phone, and tell him has X amount of time to collect his stuff. You need it gone by X date and he is to email you to organise it.

If you can't face doing that right now, maybe mute him.

He won't stop doing this you know. It will never be his fault and he will always be trying to hit you at a weak moment to try and weasle his way back in, chipping away at you with his nasty comments.

This man used to call you a cunt. Now he's using your PTSD from childhood trauma as a stick to beat you with. 😡
**
Have you found your anger yet pithy? He's not a decent guy.

He doesn't deserve the kindness of being able to land in your messages with his bullshit.

I'm sorry that he's behaving predictably horribly op. I hope you're now taking steps to get get the last of his things out of your home as quickly possible. The life you and your son deserve is one without this man's drama.