Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Some possible responses to his messages…

”Thank you for telling me I’ve let the best one get away. Please now pick up your remaining possessions by (date) . After that date I will treat them as abandoned and dispose of them.”

“Thank you for telling me I am horrible and mentally ill. Please now pick up your remaining possessions by (date) . After that date I will treat them as abandoned and dispose of them.”

”Thank you for telling me ( whatever malicious poison he decides on next). Please now pick up your remaining possessions by (date) . After that date I will treat them as abandoned and dispose of them.”

Chatgpt advises you give him between 14 and 28 days notice in writing. And a good idea to list the items. The law requires you to treat his stuff with care etc

Be careful @PithyBeaker his temperature is rising - all he can now see is that you are horrible. He’s rewriting history and now blaming you for everything. Don’t let him come to your home to pick up stuff unless you have a friend with you. He will think it’s perfectly reasonable to verbally abuse you in your own home. Don’t allow this

Pithy do you remember us mentioning the script and you stating how he was a nice guy and he was just hurt?

This is the script.

💐 keep on keeping on, I think it would be advisable to block him for some time. You aren’t his therapist you do not need to subject yourself to him lashing out his anger and frustration at his poor decisions. They certainly aren’t your fault.

@PithyBeaker I haven't said this before as I can't seem to find a way of saying it without it making you possibly reconsider your past relationship with him in a negative way and I really don't want to be unkind ...but ... I wonder if your house suddenly constricted into a one bedroom flat if you'd hear from him again. I can't help but feel we would never have had this thread in the first place if you weren't so extremely useful.

Sorry ... I'm just getting worried that he's moved on to the next stage and it doesn't get any better in the other stages😞

Free my dear, you sound FREE.

You have done in 3 weeks what it takes/took many of us months to do. Got him out and kept him out.

He may not be a monster but he is not the good man you thought he was. Nor the good father, if he won't even consider a temporary change in 50/50 until he gets a suitable home for 3 children. All he cares about is how he has been affected, all this energy he is spending emotionally abusing you should be spent on providing for his children instead of stuffing them into a one bed flat.

On a six figure salary, with years of free rent and no savings ... this is not "the one you let get away" this is a leech that drained your life force. You have your force back.

@PithyBeaker

I have been reading your posts and admiring your strength and determination. Your most recent posts reminded me of some advice I gave to a friend recently. She has been through an horrific experience with an ex (he is fortunately in prison now) she is slowly considering dating again. Despite that she is a beautiful inside and out women and is an absolute catch, she is vulnerable after her last experience.

A man who is supposed to be a friend, has expressed he is interested in her. Yet my first impressions of him are suspicious after what I observed. Never met him before, yet the arrogance he displayed was shocking. This is what I said to her. I am concerned that he is commenting on your whereabouts. Never mind entering your professional space and approaching you while with a client never mind making demands and comments. There is a cynical part of me that believes he sees the vulnerability you have after your childhood and recent experience. He is using that situation to manipulate you into believing he is being reasonable as the behaviour is not as bad as the ex. I am guessing he is in his forties, yet behaved like a teenage boy with his comments. He is suggesting that as the demands and low level abuse are not as bad as she previously experienced, therefore his behaviour is reasonable.

I shared that I have observed similar behaviour before from supposedly one of the nice guys. He had me and other women convinced he was lead on and treated badly by a women in the past. When he started a relationship with a friend, demanded to know where she was, how dare she go away for a weekend, after one date. It was quite frankly misogynistic. I saw the man in question in a different light (the truth). I walked away from that male friendship.

I have not had healthy relationships with men before my husband. After significant (think the worst) abuse in my childhood at the hands of a foster father and continued into adulthood with other abusive men and domestic violence. By 35 I was ready to be single forever more and contrate on myself.

What really changed for me was a man I was casually chatting through OLD. He asked me for coffee and I explained I was in hospital (mental health ward). His response, that is ok. I shall wait until you are feeling stronger and ready to go for that coffee. After I left hospital, we met for a brunch and we are celebrating 10 years as couple next month and 18 months of marriage. Never once has my husband ever taken advantage of my PTSD, belittled me for my past experiences or used it to belittle me in anyway. Although no doubt gets frustrated with me at times I do with him too. He has taught me how decent and genuine men behave with women they love, that is not blaming each other for past trauma or using that trauma to manipulate.

I want to say the same to as I said to my friend.
I hope you are ok, and not feeling overwhelmed with guilt, that you maybe not sure what to think and feel. These are typical reactions to managing a traumatic events. Wishing you healing and a lovely break for the bank holiday.

Don’t worry, I won’t. But also again I think unlikely to happen - or at least happen in a way I can’t cope with. He isn’t violent. He is a nasty shade of angry when he’s angry but I have got quite good at shutting him down over the last few weeks (end conversation, hang up, ignore messages, etc.) Even before that, I was perfectly capable of holding my own against him in a verbal tete-a-tete. Been there many times. It’s quite funny that everyone on this thread thinks I’m so nice. I’m notoriously sharp-tongued. Been told I have RBF that would curdle milk.

I remember. There isn’t much you lot have been wrong on tbf

Hmm. Well, without downsizing (not happening, I love my garden) we will never know. But what I will say is that his current stage involves having two mates round to stay for two days to help him sort flooring and toilet and storage before he gets his kids back on Friday. That doesn’t to me feel like he is failing or giving up or lapsing into anger and depression. But who knows

Thank you angel. ❤️

After significant (think the worst) abuse in my childhood at the hands of a foster father

🤝 word for word, same - but delete “foster”.

You’re a tough cookie. Me too. Sending you a hug. ❤️

This in a nutshell.

He's panicking at the thought of having to parent his own three kids every other week in a one bed flat. Don't forget, he was all sweetness and light until the kids turned up for their first stay, then it went downhill VERY quickly and the barrage of texts started. As others pointed out, it was so predictable.

Happily admitting that he willingly let them trash your home shows you exactly who he is. That surely must make your blood boil.

Well, you're clearly not in danger of being bullied or coerced by him! And he does seem to be facing up to his responsibilities despite all the petulant whining and twattery. I suppose you're just seeing where this is going.

And I would use the word 'kind' to describe you rather than 'nice'. Nice is an external presentation. Kind is a personality trait. You're a kind person with an apparently caustic tongue and magnificent RBF :)

💔 you are nice. Your whole attitude towards everything has been nice. Nice doesn't mean weak or a doormat tho.
You sound sensible and intelligent and measured. And I know you can hold your own. You have filled up 3 whole threads because people like you and respect you and don't want to see u used and abused.

Yes kind is better word.
Had to Google RBF.
😆😂😂😂.

He’s making sure you know that, though, isn’t he. He’s really laying it on thick. All the “efforts” he is “forced” to make because you won’t accommodate his demands. His mates forced to stay over to make his living space habitable. When he could just be living with you! Poor poor him. You don’t need to know any of this. How he lives and accommodates his children is his responsibility not yours.
It just seems that he is determined to keep his foot in the door. Keeping stuff at your place etc. He still thinks you can be persuaded.

He still thinks you can be persuaded

spot on. He’s hoping Pithy will relent when she sees “how hard he’s trying”. Add in the not-so-subtle attempts at emotional coercion and bullying and he thinks he’ll be back with her soon- and probably with a flat he can rent or sell for profit for himself while she bankrolls him and his kids (or he thinks he’ll be on her mortgage).

It is so good to see a strong woman shaping her own life, I remain super impressed @PithyBeaker

Yes that's a good strategy.

Him being frustrated by the relationship/comfortable housing ending does NOT obligate @PithyBeaker to accept his sh1t messages forevermore. She has been beyond patient already and he doesn't deserve that.

Let's hope it's a self cleaning toilet 😀

Hey PithyInspirationandAbsoluteLegend💐

Been following & my heart absolutely goes out to you. I had a very very terrible and damaging bio father myself and have experienced many damaging relationships in the past as well.

I run an outdoor activities business in Scotland which does free slots for people in need. You mentioned crying on the tube... If that is the London one then it'll be too far for you. But per chance it's the Glasgow Underground, then please drop me a PM and I will happily set up 2 free slots for you and your son to join a session 😊.

Yes, I am just letting it play out. I have already got what I want (my house to myself and DC). It’s really all I wanted. He’s busy sorting out his flat with his mates (great, no complaints here) and is -for the overriding most part- not being a pain in my ass. Things are ok. I’ll be back here in a flash if they’re not though, I promise

The shit messages get a Non Response, dw

But why do you need to be in contact with him at all?
If someone sends you shit messages at all- even just a few, Nevermind the loads he’s sent you, why keep them in your life?
Feels like you’re still hoping to have a relationship with him. But he’s shown you what he truly thinks of you (damaged, unreasonable, easily manipulated, etc).

Hi Pithy

Just echoing all the others here that he has found a sore point in you and just pressing that, and it's landing like a sore bruise. Regarding PTSD, I did send you a PM a couple of weeks ago about a counsellor I have used, who dealt with my very embedded childhood trauma, crap marriage and a few other things for good measure. And not once did she tell me I needed to compromise at all. I thought I'd let you know as I know the app doesn't show messages I don't think. (And I mean for you on your own, not with him obviously).

I hope he's quietened down again now, and you're looking forward to your long weekend with you son.

Coming round to this. 😒 I think there’s no hope for him having an epiphany and turning into the mature, self-examining man I so want him to be. After two days with his mates, no doubt being affirmed in whatever he has told them (ie: he is the victim), he is absolutely resolute in rewriting things. I treated him badly and didn’t communicate well which is why he called me names, only ever bc he was so frustrated and as a last resort (not true: it sprang readily to his lips), I never told him how I was feeling (not true: I told him I felt like lowest priority over and over again) or, if I did, he thought it was “surface level”, I threw out a loving, respectful boyfriend who worshipped me, etc etc etc. I think it’s really just done. I feel so sad. What a waste of time. I was barely 36 when I met him. Now I’m almost 41 and so tired and sad.

Now I’m almost 41 and so tired and sad.

Almost 41! You're in your prime, OP. Life is just beginning! Especially now you've turned a corner with this. Well done.

OP I wouldn’t view this as a waste of time. It has actually helped you to know yourself better and show you how strong and smart you are. You realised that he is not what you deserve and you took steps to improve your situation. You looked after your yourself and your child. You now know what a healthy / not healthy relationship means and you know what you want and don’t want. You know you deserve to be treated well. These are things that people learn through experience, it doesn’t come naturally to us and particularly not in cases where people haven’t lived in a normal, loving, caring family environment before. I know you are tired but actually you are only tired of his bulshit. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on with your life. Cut off contact and don’t let him subject you to more text message abuse, don’t let him take any more of your time. You are young and healthy and you have a lovely son, you have so much life left to live and you can live it on your terms and be happy. Drop the dead weight.