Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

I think it’s really just done. I feel so sad. What a waste of time. I was barely 36 when I met him. Now I’m almost 41 and so tired and sad

Without sounding like a self-help book, it wasn’t a waste. You’ve learnt about yourself and your boundaries and self-worth. You’ve leant to prioritise what’s truly important - your son. It’s normal to feel sad, you just need to sit with it for a while and work out what your own needs are.

Yes. And better still, you have learned to have confidence in your own intuition. That will serve you well.

@PithyBeaker hello again.

Don't be defeated and sad.
You're the same age as my oldest child. At forty one, you're still very young (to me and to the rest of us reading your threads).

I'm going to be 70 soon.

My arch-cunt of a husband walked out on me seven months ago.

I truly don't see our past relationship as a waste. It wasn't. It wasn't perfect, either. But nothing that happens to us is ever a waste.

We learn, we reflect and we move on. I haven't given up on the idea of having another man in my life, even at my age. It would be a FWB though. I wouldn't want to live with another man again, but I'd enjoy companionship and sex.

Don't be sad, darling. Don't be sad.

Hi, OP,
Chin up! This is exactly how I felt after I had finally worked up the courage to leave my relationship. Imagine feeling that you had wasted a whole 15 years! It took me several years to come to the conclusion that it was all just water under the bridge.

But, you know what? It takes time, but you will stop blaming yourself and seeing it as wasted time. You will just be glad you're out of it, and you will start to move forward (you have already started).

So, think about wasted time and blame yourself all you want right now- it's normal. You can blame yourself, because no one else will (except him), because they see it from the outside. Someday you will, too, I promise. And although you may not laugh about it, you WILL get over it, and will look back at this as a blip in your life. And you will feel proud that you had the courage to protect your younger self!

This was not your life. It was a blip and a learning experience.

Have a good day in your new life!

This is very telling, @PithyBeaker - you realise that he isn't the man you wanted him to be, and probably he won't ever be.

You are giving up your last hope of a relationship with the man he COULD be.
But isn't.

He has not taken moving out/splitting up as an opportunity for self reflection and working on himself.

He is not comfortable doing that.

He IS comfortable rewriting your relationship history so that its failure is all your fault.

That way he doesn't have to recognise any difficult truths about his poor behaviour and treatment of you, and of your son.
Or do the hard work on himself to grow as a person.

He says you have thrown out a "loving respectful boyfriend who worshipped you".

🤔

The man who loved you so much he couldn't be bothered to bring you a cup of coffee.

Who respected you so much he couldn't be bothered to clean up after his children when they trashed your house.
And called you a c**t. Several times.

Who worshipped you so much he wouldn't stop gaming long enough to go for a walk with you.

As MN loves to say, he's shown you who he is. Believe him.

Time to organise removing the rest of his stuff.

Then block him.

Sending support as ever, Pithy, stay strong. 💐

Anyway, it wasn't all a waste.
You had some really good times with him.

Thanks will check it out. You’re right, no messages in the app (which is odd, why not 🧐)

Exactly this:

He has not taken moving out/splitting up as an opportunity for self reflection and working on himself.
**
He is not comfortable doing that.
He IS comfortable rewriting your relationship history so that its failure is all your fault.

he almost has me believing it. I keep second guessing myself, like have I just thrown the best one away. Bc there were wonderful times and he could be loving, kind, patient, funny, adorable… oh, dear. There I go again. Can’t stop crying today. Just got my period. Must be related.

Like, maybe it really was all my fault (too damaged goods) and I will never be happy with anyone. That’s how I feel right now.

@PithyBeaker No. No. This is what abusers have you believe. That it's your fault. That you are damaged goods and "need" them to fix you. You don't need him to fix you. He needs to fuck right off and look at his own uselessness.

I know its hard to see from the inside looking out, but this couldn't be further from the truth. The things you asked of him are basics in an equal adult relationship. You communicated, you gave multiple chances, you compromised. This is in no way your fault.

He's trying to turn the standards you set for yourself as others into a stick to beat you with. His failure to meet the basic standards any woman would set is wholly on him.

He called you a cunt. That’s horrific and someone who loves you and respected you wouldn’t do that. Once you’re treated with contempt, the relationship is over.

I said this before, and I am again! Please consider a break in contact. That doesn’t mean you won’t speak again. It doesn’t even mean you are saying that you are completely finished, if you can’t face that .

What it does mean is that you can’t claim your headspace back for you . You’ve claimed back your physical space, now do the same with your mental space. You’ll be astonished how helpful that will be. So much of your time has been spent on him, working things out, reading his messages, worrying about his messages, responding or not to his messages. It’s exhausting and stopping you having the time and space you need to process it all yourself, deal with your grief/loss and look forward. You asking for space, and enforcing it by blocking if necessary is not an aggressive act by you. Please don’t see it as that. You need space, and if he reacts poorly then I am afraid it’s another sign he is not the man you hoped he was.

Again ( I am evangelical about it). Freedom Programme. Should be compulsory for all women and girls!

He was a million miles from being respectful, loving, worshipful (!) etc. If he had been like that, you would not have had to chuck him out. You weren't asking to be worshipped. You only wanted him to spend time with you, pull his weight in the house, pay his way and parent his children properly. He couldn't even do that.
He has lost his grip on reality.
You've got every chance of being happy, you just need to lick your wounds for a bit. Don't let him mess with your head.

Pithy this man is using classic methods to make you feel sh@t. Of course he won’t be telling the anything like the truth to anyone- especially his mates.
No doubt they are egging him on to bully/cajole you so he gets back into your home. Nooooo!
Please trust that you have made a sensible and basically very practical decision to remove him and his children from your home. You originally wanted to continue your relationship but just not share homes. He said no.
So there’s no need for further analysis, blame, name calling is there? You want different things.
Trouble is there’s money and services you provide that he needs. So he’s going to try anything to get that back.
“You will never be happy with anyone?” That is a wicked and untrue thing to say . OMG when I think of the years you tolerated his behaviour, you were prepared to give him chance after chance and in the end only exhaustion made you finally quit…..
Trust me you will be happy with a reasonable, decent person who cares about you. And that’s the bar he can’t reach can he.
Please stop listening to him. Nothing he says shows any true care or love for you.
I think you are grieving the person you have lost but sadly the one you see now is the real him. Full of anger, putting you down, bullying you, eroding your self belief. Poison.

He's possibly been out and about with his mates at some point and not put a thought into messaging you, shows he can leave you alone when he chooses to.

I get it @PithyBeaker, I have been where you are, more than once sadly. There's always good times to look back on, otherwise we wouldn't stay as long as we did. But that doesn't outweigh the bad stuff.

I would honestly cut contact at least for now. You need space and time to process things.

You are not damaged goods @PithyBeaker don’t let his narrative that shields him from any accountability of his own actions infect your mind!
You are a good mother in spite of your traumatic childhood and PTSD.
You bent over backwards to accommodate him and his children at your detriment.
You shouldered the relationship wanting it to work.
You finally saw how one sided the relationship was and told him to leave.
You are more than capable of love and you know you deserved much more than his bread crumbs. ❤️

It is not your fault. Ever.

He could have rented out his flat.
He could have bought a bigger place.
He could have given you more money because you were housing his kids 50%.
He could have made you coffee.
He could have paid for the cleaner.
He could have parented his children better.
He had plenty of chances to show you that he was the loving respectful boyfriend he is now claiming he is.

All the improvements he is now making to his flat he could have done in the last five years.

You and your child deserve better.

100% this. Not a waste of time at all, you have learned from this (and faster than most) and are now moving on to the next, happier stage of your life. You won't be tired and sad for long, and btw 41 is still young, you have decades of happy life left to live!

Expect some bumps, continue to heal, and I promise you will look back on this, not as a sad ending but as the start of something much, much better.

Remember that relationships take two. Just because this one didn't work doesn't mean that you're doomed to a life alone.

Take your time to enjoy what you have and heal. You're clearly an intelligent woman who'll put this experience to good use in the future..

You are grieving the man you thought he was capable of being given the chance of you loving him. You believed all the injustices in his past were not his fault and tried for many years to love and heal him. It’s only today you realised he is incapable of growth, he will always live in chaos and blame other people for his own inadequacy.

I do know how you feel, OP. I think many of us have been where you are. It really was him, not you and in my experience men often rewrite history in an outrageous way. Like many men, he hasn't really grown up.

He keeps showing his true colours. Not a nice person, really he isn't.
Hope his stuff is out your house and time to cut contact.
He will be looking for your replacement by now, not in the least upset by his loss of your relationship.
I'm actually glad he is keeping showing his true nature to you. He's nice and consistent in that which makes it easier to be sure that you made the right decision.
Don't let him play with Ur head.

Is there any chance of being able to get his stuff gone and then to cut contact? He's clearly using contact as a method to a) hopefully persuade you to have him & his children back in your home (no other relationship, other than 'F'WB is palatable to him as he has already said) or b) punish you. I really can't see any benefit to you at all from continuing this but in fact it's causing you harm 😕

Sending you lots of MNetty love and you really are awesome 💐