Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Sounds like a move in the right direction, especially the lack of messages. I’m sure that they will probably come and go for a while as it the reality of his new normal sinks in.

hope your week is going well so far

Good news @PithyBeaker - all moving forward at pace 💪

I think now would be a good time to establish new weekend rituals with your son ( especially before he hits puberty and gets moody).

Half of your weekends have been so busy that it would be great for him to have new activities and routines that are just focused on him. I remember a psychologist friend told me that rituals were important in a relationship as they foster trust and your son’s life has also changed a lot. Even if it’s just pizza on Fridays and a movie Sunday afternoon 🤷‍♀️

He's making progress, @PithyBeaker

It's good that he's sorting things out at his end.

I'm really glad you're okay.

This is such a great suggestion. I’ve just joined a sailing club so thinking that would be a good Saturday activity to start doing together ❤️

Yes, feels like progress. 🙏 thank you

Glad to hear all is calm. Hopefully now that first weekend is done and he's seen that you haven't wavered that's things moving in the right direction.
The sailing club sounds like a lovely idea.

Also just want to reassure everyone that I am on a close look out for any signs he is becoming angry/aggressive/threatening or suicidal - but I don’t think those routes are likely and I have very good reasons for thinking that. Like I mentioned, his marriage breakdown was INCREDIBLY horrid for him (his X did smthn so awful I can’t say it bc it would be too obvious but think ‘sleeping with immediate family member’ and you’re in the right ballpark). Anyway. My point is that, if even then, with such a colossal betrayal and the breakdown of a marriage w someone he had been with longer than he’s been with me, he did not get angry and violent. Even then. Im just saying.

Sailing is much more exciting than Friday night pizza!

Oooh! I am not sure about that. In the middle of a diet, pizza sounds quite exciting.

Good to hear that things seem toi have calmed down since the weekend and that there are signs of progress.

I think you're spot on with regard to the likelihood of aggression and violence.

You've known him for years and you've seen him in very difficult situations in the past.

Yes, he may lash out verbally - in fact he has, with some of his texts - but he's hurt, and he can't really understand why you ended it.

On a fundamental level he's both puzzled and angry. I'm sure he still loves you, too.

However, he very likely isn't emotionally mature enough to process what's happened.

He'll get there though. And I don't see him changing his innate personality and becoming a threat to you physically @PithyBeaker That's not who he is.

Definitely a new thing fir you and your boy. When my marriage exploded and it became me and my two children, we developed things that were just for us, showing we were a wee family of 3. Every year I would buy 3 identical Christmas ornaments for the tree chosen by ds or dd. They still talk about that. Not as exciting as sailing or pizza but it helped cement our new reality. I think you are awesome Pithy. Keep being you

That makes it even more astounding re the spousal support, he's mad. Simple haha!

I'm glad you are doing well though Pithy and fingers crossed for good weekend weather for sailing! 💜

Can’t we do both? 😅🙋🏻‍♀️

I love this idea of new ornaments 💕 must be lovely to remember each year

Sailing followed by pizza sounds wonderful to me!

Sailing is a great opportunity to meet knew people and to share a hobby.
Great idea.
And who doesn't like pizza and no cooking?
You are really doing so well.

So wise to cement these rituals before the teenage years arrive.
They are great pillars to build your relationship with him, which will stand him in great stead if times become challenging with change and hormones!

We do this (no break up though). It means when the DC leave home they will already have 18/20+ ornaments for their own trees.
I get a new one too (so my tree doesn't look bare when they leave).
Keep a list though. Easy to forget December to December whose is whose.

If he ever does ask about reasons then as well as him disengaging from the relationship and spending his time gaming he also needs to teach his children to think of others. His dismissive attitude to your concerns as « valuing stuff over people » missed the point that he was teaching his kids that other people’s feelings and other people’s stuff didn’t matter. Respecting other people’s property isn’t about the property it’s about respecting the other people who maybe worked hard to buy it or were given it by someone they loved.
He probably needs to learn that lesson himself though if he is unable to convey it to his children.

Last year we set this up as a ritual. My DSD buys four ornaments a year - one for the tree which she adds when we decorate the tree. One for her dad, one for me and one for herself as stocking presents. We open these on Christmas Day and put them on.

She has special needs and realised when we put them all away last year that when we decorate the tree this year the 2025 ornaments will go on it. And there will be more in 2026. She was thrilled.

Just coming back to this brilliant comment. Entitlement is exactly right. I often wondered why he seemed to feel so entitled (to leave wrappers lying around for someone else to pick up, etc) and I could see he was modelling that to his kids, which explained why they treated the house and things in it w such blithe lack of care. He was teaching them how to be entitled. And I thought of my own behaviour, teaching my DC to think of other people and be courteous and I wondered, really, who is right? Who is being taught best to survive in an unkind and greedy world? It made me sad.

You know you are doing the right thing teaching your son about respect and empathy. I do the same with mine. Now when they are 16 and 13 they naturally gravitate to people with similar values. Because while I have taught them to think of others I have also taught them to not be treated like doormats. Admittedly, this is easier to do irl when you have got two kids because there will be natural learning situations where they will be told to either "think of your brother" or " you are right to stand up for yourself (just do it in a more peaceful way pls😅)".

With one maybe you just have to work on your son's capacity to place boundaries. You are a great mum!

He was teaching them how to be entitled. And I thought of my own behaviour, teaching my DC to think of other people and be courteous and I wondered, really, who is right? Who is being taught best to survive in an unkind and greedy world? It made me sad.

It's not an unkind and greedy world, though, OP, or at least mine isn't after a certain amount of "fine-tuning" over the years!

I saw a social media post years ago which asked “if you had to choose for your child to be kind, or to be clever, which would you pick?”
and honestly, for my dc, I’d choose clever over kind because I think it would make her life better and happier. Isn’t that sad? I still think it’s true, though. We don’t teach boundaries along with what we call kindness, which leaves people open to being taken advantage of and building resentment.

OTOH, you are teaching kindness and boundaries, which will stand your boy in good stead.

I have thoughts like this sometimes.

And then I remember the words of the great L.R. Knost:

"It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless."

💚