Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Because that was how he was raised. He recreated the pattern he knew and was comfortable with. You said his mother was overworked and overwhelmed. That was your place in the home for him. That means he really won't be comfortable with a woman who isn't carrying him and his kids.

As to which way is best, well, he and his kids brings so much chaos that you finally couldn't live with him anymore. Good looking and charming only goes so far, and there's lots of good looking and charming dudes who don't bring the exhausting load he does. He's not really a functional adult who deals with his shit, he wants a woman to do it for him, that's what he means when he says he wants to share everything (which doesn't include rent) and that unattractive fact outweighs everything. You're creating great memories for and with your son already. I think you come out ahead.

As for sailing, it's a fun fair weather tradition but very weather dependent. Something inside for the bad weather days can become a little tradition. Now he's got space and time to develop his own interests.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn - this was such an interesting point. Do you have the name of the podcast?

Yes, I'd like to see it too. I see so much advice to women that they should "communicate better" and honestly, it's just another way to get women to flog themselves and turn themselves inside out trying to get through to men who don't WANT to understand, because it doesn't suit them.

The comments about kindness.

My kids commented recently how we have soo many kind people in our lives. I chatted to them about how that isn't accidental! People in mine and my kid's worlds don't stay "in" if they aren't kind!

This has taken me years to fine tune by the way, but the older and wiser I've gotten, the more I've held healthy boundaries with friends, relationships, neighbours, etc. I'm a kind and fair person and expect the same in return.

I could see my boys really thinking about it during our conversation. 🙂

OP I am sure with your help your son will do brilliantly simply by following your lead. ❤️

Unfortunately I can’t find it. It popped up scrolling Facebook. If it pops up again, I’ll make a note 😅

Was it this? (apologies for the side track OP.)

https://www.understood.org/en/podcasts/sorry-i-missed-this/parentified-romantic-relationships-adhd

I have developed an aversion to the word “ kind” since “ be kind” was used as a slogan to put up and shut up about having males in our changing tooms and feeling that the word “ woman” had a meaning. I think you can be thoughtful and consider others whilst still retaining your critical faculties and standing up for yourself.

This all day 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯

I always say be kind but don't be a doormat

@PithyBeaker I hope you have another good weekend and that it's drama free.

DC with his dad, I just finished work and having a little swim and sauna to round off the week. Feeling really good 🙏❤️

Sounds dreamy, OP. What a contrast to just a few weeks ago!!!!

Delighted for you.
Nothing quite like having a clean organised house to yourself! Heaven.

Enjoy your new found freedom, OP. You deserve to treat yourselves to something that brings you calm and swimming and sauna sound amazing. Next a G&T in your peaceful house. Enjoy the weekend and keep us posted on how you are adjusting to your new life! Absolutely delighted for you.

Sounds wonderful @PithyBeaker.

Enjoy your weekend, choose to do as much or as little as you want to.

nice!

Ooh a peaceful weekend plus a swim and sauna sounds lush. ❤️

I agree about the kind thing. You can be a kind person and still say no to piss takers and boundary breakers.

Spoke too soon with my smug chill sauna chat. He is laying it on very thick now that we need to go to therapy and that this is actually all bc of my PTSD and my fundamental distrust of men. He says that I treated him badly first by not trusting him and asking him if he was secretly cheating on me or watching child porn (yes, I did ask him those things and yes, clearly I have a trust problem when it comes to men) and that all our issues started there, with me, and that’s why he disengaged and started being uncaring, etc. Help please as I have no perspective. I can’t tell if what he is saying is true or just self-serving. Or both? Help.

I can’t tell if what he is saying is true or just self-serving. Or both? Help.

Utterly self-serving. Trust yourself and stay strong Pithy 💐

Does it matter? He'll still want to move in again and you won't want him to. It's run its course. Enjoy your peaceful home with your son and ignore this.

I think your general trust issues with men, and whether this man is a good fit for you, are separate issues. Don't mix them up.

Omg @PithyBeaker It absolutely wasn't you. He's had his kids in the flat for the week and he's desperate again to get himself and them back into your house.

You may need therapy for PTSD, you may already have or had therapy. You do not need therapy with him.

Has he collected all the rest of his stuff to go into storage yet? If not, give him a deadline to collect it on Saturday, or whenever suits you and block him until that day. If he has his stuff or is collecting it, block him ASAP.

Has he waited until he knows you’ll be alone and more vulnerable? What a manipulative wanker.

This is on him.

This maybe the moment you decide he needs to be blocked.