Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

That may very, very be true but it doesn't make it a relationship with any future. He isn't a safe person, it is very clear that he's a user, to anyone who doesn't have feelings for him.

@PithyBeaker does and that is her right and her life.

His behaviour has been so awful and entitled in this last week though. He has learnt nothing, understood nothing. He has been outraged that you’ve climbed out of the box he put you in, that kept him so comfortable and content. He has DARVOd, pestered, accused…

The only thing he hasn’t so far done, is threaten suicide.

But I’m not a stressed mum right now. I’m less stressed than I’ve been in years and I just now asked my son how he’s doing, how’s he feeling about everything and he said it’s nice having the house just to us and he thinks it’s better ❤️

How wonderful to hear the truth from your son.
That alone will keep you strong.
It was so the right thing to do.

Exactly.
All is calm.

I'm quite sure you've got the measure of your ex @PithyBeaker and you're dealing with him in the way that suits you, which has actually turned out to be just right.
Okay, he's being a bit of a pain with his texting, but you're not rising to it.

This.

And from everything the OP has posted so far I am sure that if the situation changes or escalates the OP is more than capable of deciding how to handle it.

Your son saying it’s nice having the house just to you both and he thinks it’s better now is just what you need to hear @PithyBeaker .
Your home is peaceful, tidy and happy, your’s and son’s save haven.

@PithyBeaker I think sometime down the line your grown up little boy will look back on this decision and see that his mum had his back, and that is beyond priceless 😍

Pithy may not be ready to call quits on the relationship.

But she's gone from miserable and ground down with he and his kids living with her to getting him out to his flat without major drama pretty fast. She's been warned what could be next. She's got her home to herself and her son and peace for the first time since she's bought it. I think doing it her way has gotten her where she wanted to be right now and with what her son has said, I don't see her going backwards.

You are awesome @PithyBeaker. You are holding the boundaries you have decided on with grace and fortitude. I agree with your stance in being pragmatic about contact and not taking any dramatic steps- this will help in the long run.. So pleased your son had a fab birthday and is appreciating the differences in your home. You are a fab role model 💐

But none of Pithy’s posts indicate she is being swayed or manipulated by his comments - it can’t be easy, but if anything they seem to be giving her resolve. All of these, ‘you MUST do x’ type comments seem to be ignoring the OPs posts and come across as being overbearing and honestly a bit belittling. You can tell from her words and actions that she has the measure of him, she is just doing things in her own way. But let’s not forget that she has decisively and effectively turned her life around in a very short space of time - her time for being manipulated seems long gone to me (go Pithy!)

I think everyone, in their bid to 'be kind', and supportive, and part of the 'sisterhood' is actually inadvertently supporting the OP being abused actually. Cheerleading her on saying she has got this, she knows what shes doing, shes doing so well (which she is), all sounds very nice, but the reality is lots and lots of women here are actually supporting her tolerating abusive behaviour. Minimising it and making out hes just acting a bit daft and she has the measure of him is just not helpful to her, him, or to the thousands of women reading this who are in the same boat or may be in the near future. And all this, 'what would pithy do'. It is excellent she has got him out so quickly - really impressive. BUT she needs encouragement, support, help to cut him off completely.

Its platitudes but dangerous ones. Truly supporting other women going through things like this is - gently - telling them this behaviour isn't ok - its abusive -, they aren't being drama llamas or cruel or unkind by not tolerating it, and they absolutely must stop it in its tracks. And when that is hard and they are waivering and defending him and minimising it, not saying 'oh yes you have got this, you know what you are doing, you have the measure of him, go at your pace' - is just defending abuse. That is not what true support looks like.

@amibeingaknob genuinely don’t think that’s the case, I see OP holding her boundaries, but not wanting to be unnecessarily unkind to this man and the kids who shared her life for a while. She is not entertaining his nonsense by giving him a little bit of time to move his stuff out and by communicating where necessary, and not in response to his many many texts.

my impression is she will manage the removal of his stuff at her own convenience and when that’s done she won’t have any real need to have contact.

I don’t see a woman here who is dithering as to whether or not to let him back in….

@Drpawpawspaw Well I disagree wholeheartedly and I think you are minimising his behaviour massively as are others. I dont think she is dithering whether to let him back in, but she is allowing him to bombard her with abusive emotionally manipulative messages. Allowing that is not having strong boundaries. I also don't believe they aren't stressing her out, how could they not?

Im not criticising her, its an awful difficult situation to be in.

And ITS NOT BEING UNECESSARILY UNKIND TO CUT OFF A MAN WHOSE BOMBARDING YOU WITH ABUSIVE MESSAGES.

Im shouting it because that kind of mindset is the reason why so many women tolerate so much abuse for so long. We are raised to be kind to menz feelz at the expense of our own.

Im a social worker and work with abuse victims so I do know a bit about what Im talking about. But most people here don't want to hear it. Im actually getting quite upset and concerned about not just OP but the hundreds of other women reading this who are being influenced so for my own sanity I am going to bow out, but I do wish you well OP. I really do.

I completely disagree with you amibeingaknob. The OP calmly made a decision that her ex had to move out with his children and didn't change her mind on that. That is not the sign of someone who is giving in to domestic abuse. She hasn't blocked him but isnt responding to his complaints, but ignoring them. I think she's level headed and able to deal with him sensibly and the way that suits her- not anonymous posters baying for blood. I am not minimising the effect of domestic abuse- I suffered from emotional abuse for years. I applaud Pithy.

I don’t think OP will be swayed. Look at the comment DS, they both are happier with the change.

@amibeingaknob I agree. This kind of emotional abuse should not be normalised.
OP appears to be taking an emotional battering from her ex. If it had been a "normal" relationship though, she wouldn't be taking it. She's been used to putting him first for so long it will probably take a while to realise that his treatment of her actually was, and still is, abusive.

If I was @PithyBeaker I would make him take all his belonging from my house pronto and block him!
I’m not pithy though and she wants to keep it amicable on her side and ignore his abusive messages as much as possible in the hope he will change and they can resume the relationship.
If it does escalates @amibeingaknob then she might have no choice than to block him if and when it happens.
We are her support, we can’t make anyone do anything they doesn’t want to and Pithy will do as she sees fit.
It’s no use telling her the only reason he may appear to change to woo her back in order to try to move back in with her or convince her to sell her home and get a joint mortgage with him.
Pithy has to realise for herself that a leopard never changes his spots and manipulation is too ingrained in him to get his needs met that he won’t change.

@MachineBee. Wow, if I had had to dispose of it at my own cost,I would have deposited it on his drive, 😡

I can’t believe I’m now being blamed for influencing women online to “normalise” and “accept” this behaviour. This is wild. You say you’re a social worker. Crikey I feel sorry for all the people being steamrollered by your insistence that you know best for them. Listen, I appreciate you have lots of IRL experience and I am sure you know what you’re doing in the situations with which you’re faced. But this is an online forum and I’m not under your care. I’m here for advice, which I may or may not choose to take. And, experienced as you undoubtedly are, you don’t know me or him (although you may feel you do from the several dozen comments I’ve posted on these threads). Accusing me of negatively impacting other women (as if I need more anxiety right now!! Thanks a bunch) for not acceding to your demands to sever contact and then stropping off is, at best, unhelpful and, at worst, yet another attempt by someone outside myself to control and dictate my actions…. Underlined by the SHOUTING, which actually made my heart beat faster in my adrenaline spiked state. Not cool.

Great post Op.

@amibeingaknob
Appropriate user name.

Yes, you're wrong.

There isn't a One Size Fits All in this situation.

@PithyBeaker hasn't disclosed any physical abuse and this man isn't attacking her. He isn't stalking her or putting her in danger.

He's just upset that she has ended their relationship. So he's lashing out.
But she's dealing with it.

I think this thread is an excellent resource for women in similar situations. @PithyBeaker has been firm and is continuing to be firm.

I don't see anywhere that she's missing him and wanting him back.

You are entitled to your opinion @amibeingaknob but I think your analysis of what's happening here is flawed.

“Appropriate user name”

my post originally just said Yes.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think this thread is an excellent resource for women in similar situations. has been firm and is continuing to be firm.

It really really isn't.

I am not criticising you OP. I was criticising the advice others are giving you. Well-meaning as it may be. You are not responsible for other women reading this, but I am allowed to be concerned about that.

Im sorry you feel Im a knob for showing concern for you. I am used to people lashing out at me so I am not worried about that. I do have great concern for you actually.
I would recommend that you get professional advice from Womens Aid moving forward. They will give you the advice that you really need - not just what you want to hear in this very difficult tim.e