Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Im actually getting quite upset and concerned about not just OP but the hundreds of other women reading this who are being influenced

If people are being influenced into thinking it's the norm that's on them, they'll just be looking for a "see I told you so" excuse instead of facing up to and dealing with their own senarios.

This is a situation that @PithyBeaker is living through and dealing with, she's already taken steps and removed him and pretty much all his belongings from her property so hardly sitting back and being walked all over.

Both she and her DC are now living in a chaos and messy free home, all of which was achieved by her own actions.

What exactly do you want Women's Aid to do that @PithyBeaker hasn't already done? She is safe, in her own home, has given a deadline to have the rest of his belongings removed from her home, is controlling contact and is fully aware that should he escalate that she blocks him and reports him to 101. There is no longer any financial abuse of any kind, he is gone. There was no physical abuse. He is texting, not turning up at her door screaming at her. By not blocking him at the current time Pithy is preventing this escalation.

Women's Aid could only wish for all the women who need them to be in this situation.

@amibeingaknob over reaching. @PithyBeaker doesn’t need to contact women’s aid, because she is is satisfied with how she is handling HER OWN AFFAIRS (shouting for the hard of thinking)

Stop trying to make her into a victim - she gets to make that decision. Not you, despite how qualified you think you are to judge someone’s situation.

being a social worker is not the flex you think it is btw.

It’s another “Yes, you are being a knob” from me too.

@PithyBeaker is not being a victim. She is being a boss.

@amibeingaknob I doubt you are really a SW. I used to be and the first thing we learnt at uni was to always empower the victim of abuse- not take over and give them clear instructions of what to do (unless immediate danger) but work with the victims in building them up so they feel that they own the desicisions they are making about their lives. When women has been abused and bullied the last thing they need is another bully, however wellmeaning.
@PithyBeaker is doing great and is being supported on this thread. One can make suggestions but they should always be just that. Not telling her what to do and what not to do- she's an intelligent woman and most importantly she has got agency. Victimblaming is not cool and please OP just Grey rock that!

OP is absolutely a "victim" here though, you can be strong, calm, intelligent etc and also be a victim, or survivor if you prefer that word. Just because he hasn't physically hit her doesn't mean he's harmless either. People saying he's just upset, lashing out etc don't understand the harm that causes.

@amibeingaknob

If you saw and heard some of the comms I've gotten from my esDH you'd probably keel over at the fact that I am still in communication with him. But splits are not a 'one size fits all' thing. And someone on the outside of the situation has no right to judge. I have a very good reason for being in contact despite abusive messages. One that both my sons and my BFF have 'vetted' and agree with, along with my attorney. So whilst you may think someone in my (or @PithyBeaker's) situation should be NC, you don't know enough about our situations to make a judgement. You can say you disagree, but as far as your 'judginess' and guilting goes, can it.

Because no woman is responsible for the decision another woman makes because of the decisions she has made. We each live our own lives and make our own decisions. @PithyBeaker is not holding herself out as an example for other women to follow. She is living her life and making the decisions that work for her at the present time. When those decisions no longer work for her, she'll make new ones.

People saying he's just upset, lashing out etc don't understand the harm that causes

It only causes harm if the recipient allows it to do so.

I think it always causes harm to some extent, especially if it's coming from someone you still love. The words will be going into your subconscious regardless, even if you know rationally that they are not true, or are true but justified eg you've upset my kids.

Don't get anyone here thinks Pithy's ex live in is a good guy. He's been verbally abusive to her in the past. She shut that down. Is being bombarded with hundreds of messages abusive? I think so. I would deal with this very differently but Pithy has different goals here than I would and she's handling it. She's in control. She's arranging her life how she wants it.

It's possible a more adversarial approach about him moving out and constant contact would have made him dig his heels in more or been more difficult in a multitude of ways.

In the end, we can give advice and support but there's overstepping that can veer into control.

To answer the question posed by your username, yes you are.

Totally.

@amibeingaknob you're incredibly patronising, not to mention aggressive.

I too doubt that you're a SW, they generally don't tend to try to force women into victim roles.

He is undoubtedly a pain in the arse, but she got him out of her house within a few days.
I think she has done exceptionally well.

My honest view is he probably didn't expect her to be so resolute, and is kicking himself he allowed his vanity to think it would be very temporary.

He's out and he ain't gettin' back in, hence his increasing messaging gymnastics oscillating backnand forth from poor me to accusations.

OP is doing a great job, she got him out quickly, her son had a very special successful birthday sleepover and has admitted he prefers the two of them on their own.

Win upon win in my view.

I have no doubt his stuff will be moved on, all in good time.

Both of you are attempting to not allow @PithyBeaker to know her situation and herself best.

Thinking all humans are the same is not helpful. Neither of you knows either of these people you are talking about so confidently on the basis that all people are the same without nuance or variation of any kind.

@amibeingaknob If you can’t bear for anybody to do anything differently from how you think they should, their mental health is not the problem - you need to have a little think about how you can take care of your own mental health in a world where about 8 billion people are Not You.

I think you need to reel your comments and concern in as they are actually distressing to OP and not supportive or helpful. She's doing amazing. He left when she asked him. He's hurting / she's hurting and you are really putting a bit of poison into the mix. She made herself clear so to keep posting that she needs help from women's aid etc is just ridiculous and horribly undermining. She's an adult and Ur comments.are not helpful..just leave it there.

@KTheGrey "Neither of you knows either of these people you are talking about so confidently on the basis that all people are the same without nuance or variation of any kind."

I don't know them, but emotional abuse unfortunately doesn't vary much at all. It's no reflection on the OP to say that's what it is.

Agreed. No one would be saying any of this if it was physical or sexual abuse. It shows how far we still need to go in our education around abuse.

It seems to me that OP has taken a lot of strength from the predictably selfish ways in which he has lashed out.

He tried verbal abuse and Pithy shut him down. He wore her down until she had enough and set boundaries and got him out without having big drama.

Those are not the actions of a weak person and I think you're really discounting her here. Her way worked and importantly, her child has not been affected negatively. He's feeling positive about the changes she's made. I support that.

I never said she was weak!!

This thread is weird. Just cos some of us aren’t waving our Pom Pom’s at OP because we think rhere is some serious stalking and harassment going on doesn’t mean we are shits!

this place sometimes…

I do not see serious stalking and harassment.
If there were, the advice on this thread would be different.

Or if OP were dealing with it less well, the advice would be different.

It's almost as if nuance is sometimes applicable.

Glee and triumph at being able to use his child’s misfortune as a stick to beat you with.

Hmm… sounding rather monstrous as this goes on.

Did you miss the bit where he'd sent her 200 (presumably unwanted) messages in one day? I'd feel harrassed in that situation, I think anyone would.