Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

How is sending you 20 messages overnight that are highly emotionally manipulative and dramatic in nature him 'mostly just getting on with things' ? Also him 'getting angry and doing subtle things to make my life harder' - is absolutely not ok at all! You are giving him an audience - why are you letting him have one? I get that you want to be kind, but this is just nuts now.

He may or may not escalate, but even if he stays doing exactly what you have reported, you are mad for letting it carry on. But yeh, I do think it will escalate. I doubt a week ago you would have thought it likely the things he is saying and doing now right? Well wait til next week if you keep that contact door open.

You did the hard part, the part most women can only dream of because they aren't able to kick them out/or go no contact because they have children together. You don't - you can literally never speak to this man again if you want. Life really doesnt have to be this hard.

You are giving him an audience - why are you letting him have one? I get that you want to be kind, but this is just nuts now.

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That's awful, I'm very sorry for the child involved. Not sure that he needed to tell you about it though. Anyway, you're doing great Pithy!

He has definitely already said he thought we’d grow old together. 😔 None of the other stuff - yet

I hear you but honestly, considering where we were a week ago, things are not that bad. Twenty messages overnight as a one off? Last week it was like 200 a day… I feel like progress is being made - and I am fully in control of how much attention I am giving him.

Oh you again. I remember you. Drama cheerleader. This is real life and involves real, damaged, flawed but not monstrous humans. Thanks for the urging to cut him off cold turkey but the situation requires a bit more nuance than that, I’m afraid.

Agree 💯 he did not have to tell me and his air of almost triumph/look how horrid you are heaping more misery on my DC was pretty galling.

Well i didn't read this persons messages, but I think she was right to advise you to cut him off. He IS being monstrous now. Someone can not be a monster but their behaviour can be. 200 messages down to 20 - and you are pleased about that? This is officially stalking/abuse territory and you are deeply minimising it. No judgement - I have done way way worse in the past because I didn't want to be a drama llama and wanted to be kind. BUT I wasn't kind to myself, or my kids actually who dealt with a very stressed mum for way longer than they needed to - or in fact my ex who I was inadvertently giving mixed messages too. Strong, rock solid boundaries where you aren't tolerating shit is not unkind. Its actually kinder to him too because keeping communication going is just going to confuse him and make him think he can contact you and speak with you like that. You are giving the green light to it.

Undrama cheerleader more like.

Nothing less dramatic than making sure he removes his stuff swiftly and then is blocked so he can't communicate his ramblings.

@InconsequentialFerret agreed.

And kinder all round actually.

OP is doing great! She’s withdrawing her attention and engagement at a really good pace, and the guy with his kids have moved out so the hardest step is done. And it has only been a few weeks!

Yes, I agree. The hardest step was taken, now the rest can follow at whatever pace the OP feels is most comfortable for her. If she has moved from 200 texts per day to 20 overnight, that's definitely progress.

The victim narrative is unceasing. He sent me about twenty messages overnight explaining how this is really all bc of my own trust issues w men bc of my father and my PTSD. He accepts he could have treated me better but the new narrative is that he had MH issues of his own over the last year or so and that is why he didn’t treat me better…. 🤨🤨🤨

Honestly.

Hate men who act like their MH issues or ND issues are why they've behaved badly. You can have MH issues AND be an asshole. You can be ND AND be an asshole. Hell, you can have MH issues, be ND, AND be an asshole.

And he is an asshole. Not a victim. An asshole. And that's entirely on him.

Crikey, you'd have died from mental and physical exhaustion long before reaching old age!

Ten days actually. Thank you @YankeeDad

We may all die alone but at least you'll be doing it on a beautiful rug, possibly under a ping pong table, in a clean & tidy house. 😂

Ignore posts like this. You are handling this whole situation with more patience, class and emotional maturity than at least 90% of MNs would/did. You know him and he is unlikely to surprise you with anything he does. He may message you some unexpected rubbish about his mental health, woe is him, it's all your fault but none of it is surprising. Cruel of him while you are being amicable.

The end is in sight. Once all his stuff is gone and you can ignore him, be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve for the life you thought you would have with him. The grief will be replaced with positive feelings about your new life and prospects.

WWPD should be a MN mantra!

Even more impressive that @PithyBeaker has done it in less than 2 weeks.

There won't be many of us that can say we handled similar so well.

Mumsnet is brilliant for experience, ideas, pooling of good ideas. Take what's useful and leave the rest. Thanks to Mumsnetters for all the things I have learnt on here 💐

I thought of you today when I was listening to a relationship coach on FB talking about parentification and communication problems. Her position is that women/couples don’t have communication problems, they have entitlement problems. One partner is entitled and expects the other to manage everything, like a parent. Manage the emotional temperature of the relationship, the stress of the household. The parent partner looks for ways to manage the entitled partner, who swans through life.

I’m doing a crap summary, but it’s very much the dynamic you are experiencing. He fails to manage his shit, and it’s your fault for not ‘asking nicely/loving him unconditionally/having unreasonable expectations’ etc. Not his fault for being totally useless.

How is that anything to do with you? His cheese is slid right off his cracker.

You are letting him in @PithyBeaker , maybe not literally but into your life, your mind. Your decision, but I would suggest not doing so.

And it would have required so little of him to remain hobosexual, yet he couldn’t even be bothered to do that little.

I think Pithy is not entirely done with him. He made her feel "safe"(I think that is the word she used) at one time, when she was struggling with her childhood wounds. That's not something anyone walks away from lightly.

She's always been honest that she would like a LAT relationship with him, and I guess she's seeing if he can measure up to that now that she's drawn her boundaries.

Idk maybe he can. More likely that he can't.

But I get the impression that Pithy wants to see how this plays out and is giving him enough rope to either hang himself or climb his way back to her. She's demonstrated herself to be extraordinarily resolute, I can't think of a single case where someone acted as decisively and rapidly as her. I don't think we have to worry that she will slip back to where she was.

You have my measure @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta ❤️💯