Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Is he a drinker?

I think there was some groundwork laying there in that text.

I think health issues are likely because he likes to go for the guilt trips and playing the victim. Any threat of self harm is beyond your paygrade and has to be handled by calling the police. If it's a serious threat, they will get him to where he can receive the emergency evaluation and treatment needed. If it's to manipulate you, their response will be to discourage trying that again. That would also mean he has to stay away from you and your child.

But it could also be stress causing physical issues. But, he's an adult and that's for him to deal with and the mother of his kids to handle them.

I do think after 20 texts in a night, it's time to cut the crap and block him for at least a while.

yes mental health or even implying he cant go on

That seem pretty likely - also when he should be absolutely spending all energy on parentally stepping up, though?

This has actually happened. One of his DC beaten up at school last week. For real though

No

This is worth re reading.

You are doing so well, but his relentless poor me is just further truth that it is ALL about him.

NOT the children and doing right by them, but focusing on him and how this inconveniences HIM.

You are such a nice woman, but at some point I hope you will get to realise that he is showing you NOW exactly how his mind really works, and just how much you were targeted for your home and set up all those years ago.

There really no man as loving as one that needs a home, even more so with 3 wild children in tow.

I have no doubt with your previous examples of how petty and PA with you he was, that he is absolutely furious at you for doing this.

This is a huge inconvenience for him and not one that will not take a substantial amount of time to fix.

He will try. He wants to game, not rear children and skivvy for them.

I honestly do expect a crisis to erupt.

Job, health, self harm, the children.

All to try and to drag you back into his mess and trigger your saviour gene.

Men like him aren't that bright.
He will be desperately grappling with how to reverse this, no matter how ridiculous, dramatic and convoluted it looks.

Desperation does that.

Do not allow him enter your house if he turns up in drama mode with or without the children.

This week will be an increasing shit show to him of the reality of whats involved in parenting without you.

He will become increasingly agitated as he tries to fix this.

Protect yourself, your son and your home, and don't hesitate to contact the police to do a "welfare check" should he make even the hint of a self harming.

Hand it 100% over to the authorities.

Sorry this is long. You are doing great.

Health issues or suicide threats would be my next bet for his next move

Then he should be spending his time focusing on his kids, and not texting you 20 times in a night.

His kids and your son are getting close to the ages where aggression and behavioural issues are going to ramp up. Someone earlier mentioned the teen years and yeah. They can be really, really tough. I think having 4 teens in a home with one resented and outnumbered would be a version of Hell Lite and you've avoided that for your son.

You learned to be a fixer from your childhood. You tried to fix his chaotic parenting and issues and it didn't work. Now, you're focused on your son and I think you get that you can't prioritize your ex anymore without your son losing something in the process. Ex is just too overwhelming in the chaos he brings with him.

You've been very graceful in how you've handled this, helping him more than most would but now it's time for you to take the next step and tell him you think it's time he moved on, as you also want to do.

You really don't want to let him start to chip away and for you to start feeling resentful. He's been given enough of your time, don't let him take any more of it.

@PithyBeaker

I said upthread that you'd know when it was time to give him a deadline to get his stuff out. You sound really frustrated with him, so I think you're rapidly approaching that time.

As far as self storage and I know you've said you won't do this (👍🏼) but a word to the wise; you can't open storage space in another person's name. The contract would be in your name and you'd be stuck with the rental fee tied to your payment card. My advice when the time comes would be to either bag and have a third party deliver to his door or give him a date and say that his stuff will be put on the front porch/garden/drive at XX o'clock. The 2nd is what my nephew did with his ex. He put it on his drive and told her to pick it up between 9 am and noon. And he reminded her that the next day was trash collections day.

A month’s storage, paid in cash so he has a ticking clock, is cheap at the price to get his stuff gone. How else would you be able to force it? Do it NOW while he’s still laying the groundwork for MH excuses, rather than later when he will say “I was having a breakdown so I didn’t understand that it would be disposed of after a month, you owe me compensation”.

I know you - rightly - want to steer clear of calling police and talking harrassment @PithyBeaker however, any kind of message threatening breakdown, imminent harm etc, should that be a road he goes down, can be handled with a call to 101 for a welfare check.

Guarantee it will be the last time he pulls that kind of stunt.

I am pretty sure that any stuff left in her house now technically belongs to OP. No one would take a claim for compensation seriously. There are no "joint" assets in this relationship, they are not married.

OP, you've had lots of great advice with options for what to do with his stuff. I agree you really don't want to get stuck paying for a storage unit full of stuff if he refuses to collect it from the facility.

When you are ready to get rid of it, perhaps give him a deadline to collect from your drive, and tell him it's all going to the tip if he doesn't collect. All of it. Might make him shift a bit faster.

i agree with the advice to give him a hard deadline for shifting the rest of his shite out of your house. up to him what he does with it - storage place or take it to the tip, either way it's his problem to sort out.

sooner it's gone, sooner you can block him. he will keep upping the ante otherwise. my money is on threatening to hurt himself.

if he does this then you ring the police and take a massive step back and let them deal with it as they can do a welfare check. best all round as if it is a genuine threat then it puts him on the radar for mental health help. but if it's a manipulation tactic then it knocks it straight on the head as he'll look like a weapons grade bellend for crying wolf.

Guys I appreciate all the kind support but I think him faking a suicide wish is extremely unlikely. It’s just not where he’s at and not likely. I think him getting angry and doing subtle things to make my life harder is more likely but also I mostly think he’s ok and is mostly just getting on w things…

Okay, yes, I’m sold on just putting it on the drive. Bonus points for having “Rolling in the Deep” blaring out of the window when he comes to pick it up.

hopefully he doesn't but nothing surprises me these days. you asked where the script can end up going, and that's one of the well worn parts of it.

Excellent! That made me laugh!

Better yet, start pricing it up to sell on eBay! ( no, actually, that sounds like too much hard work)

He'll threaten this probably, it's quite common.

Oh his mental health! Oh, how can he cope when he thought you'd grow old together! Oh his poor children he can't bear to see them so upset, etc etc etc. He just can't cope anymore, he thinks he might do something stupid!

That's when you actually disengage and let the police deal with it.

But sending you 20 messages overnight to blame you for everything, and already talking about MH problems.

There’s a reason it’s called The Script…

@PithyBeaker I hope you are correct about him not threatening suicide/SH.

However he has tried almost every other form of emotional manipulation.

Him telling you that you would see how "mature" he is being after all the sh1t he has messaged you to date is ridiculous.

The sooner his stuff is out of your home and into storage, the better. He is using his practical difficulties as another excuse to make contact with you.

If he is struggling to look after his children on his own then he needs to revisit custody arrangements with his ex-wife. He has siblings and other relatives, let them help. You may want to tell him you are considering moving somewhere smaller (and untrashed), remove the notion of them ever living with you again.

Your ex is so dramatic I’m surprised he’s not he’s not an actor on tv!
Seriously though you need to protect yourself from his nonsense that you have ruined his life, his kids and anything else he can think off.