Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

He may try the
1) Silent treatment for a couple of days to get you worried and chasing after him 'oh manchild, i haven't heard from you in a couple of days. I have been worried. How are you? Are the kids okay?'

2) Ultimatum route " @PithyBeaker , I love you. The kids love and miss you. And they also miss sonofpithybeaker.
- I have tried to reason with you.
- I have told you that i have not been in a good place mentally.
- I have promised to do better.
- I have loved you unconditionally even when you didn't love me unconditionally.
- I even moved out of our home without a fight to make you happy.
But it seems you don't care about us. This is the FINAL time i am going to ask you, do you love me? Do you want us to be a family? If you say no, please know this is the last chance. I would never ask you again and we are done forever"

These are the two that come to mind immediately.

@PithyBeaker unfortunately in my experience what comes after this is normally having to involve the police. Things like threats and showing up at/or hanging around near your house. Also , contacting your friends and family to try to tarnish your name or recruit them to harass you.

Oh yes, expect some sort of physical problem - or a breakdown. Or both. The latter will be your fault of course.

Mine started with the 'no-one will love you like I do' lines - I said I bloody hope not!

In my case, he got very nasty and then started stalking me, malicious communications at work, alienating my kids/friends/work colleagues etc. Lets hope hes not that bad.

Just posting a link to this thread to reinforce that you need to get his stuff gone: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5519104-to-want-his-stuff-gone?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

He’s clearly one of those men who cannot comprehend a woman saying ‘no’ to him or rejecting him.

Re what next moves are likely:

• a health issue - either him or one of the kids.
• his job is at risk.
• car accident/ loss of driving licence.

I agree with pp. After going The Ultimatum route, he* may turn nasty. *

You have no idea how on the money you are with this. Half of his comments were “I’m actually being so mature and I think eventually you’ll realise how mature I am” 🫣😔🙄

My money on job being at risk as it sounds like he has taken time off work to deal with all this… so he is tee’ing me up to take the blame if he gets laid off? Who knows. I’m tired.

God, number 2 is so familiar as to almost be verbatim…

Already had it. See earlier comment re me dying alone…

Except I’m not paying a penny for him anymore

Watch out for passive aggression designed to make your life harder. “Confusion” over arrangements re his things. “Forgetting” anything relevant.

And potentially aggressive aggression- though we all hope not.

😆I promise i am not Manchild.

You are doing well @PithyBeaker .
But do drop the rope. You must have got the ick by now. Don't let him sour the positivity that you are mustering now to go forward.

Blimey I’d go you’re right I’m shit best keep your kids away from me. Your stuff will be going on my drive and advertised for free on facebook tomorrow. 💐 for you xx not him of course!!!

Mental health problem.

He's already told Pithy that he himself was "suffering" from poor mental health in the last few years (the excuse for why he took advantage of Pithy dropped the ball with his kids and household chores).

All those things he is saying to you are so deliberately cruel and you really don't deserve it. What a nasty man.
Honestly he needs to watch out for when you find your anger, he won't know what's hit him, figuratively speaking.

OK so be prepared for his "mental health breakdown". Tell him to call an ambulance if he can't take himself to hospital and pretype a message wirh numbers for suicide hotlines , Samaritians that he can call. You are not a psychiatric health worker so you have to let professionnals deal with it (what you can say to him and yourself). I hope it doesn't come to this but be prepared nevertless.

Yes I would not be at all surprised if he develops some kind of health problem and “can’t cope”. I also wouldn’t rule out a MH problem after he’s potentially been laying the ground work for that.

You’re obviously coping very well yourself though and staying strong. It’s not easy what you’ve been going through at all, and you’re doing really well.

I have a feeling that in the very near future, if not already, Pithy will be happy to have no relationship with him, part-time, distant, FWB or anything else.

In a short space of time she's gone from being unsure about what to do, and afraid of losing him altogether, to having made a much better life for her and her son.

The sad thing for him is that he probably wouldn't have had to do all that much really to keep OP and stay in the house. Just a little extra effort and he could have kept his cushy life. He couldn't be bothered to even do that, and in fact still can't. He thought bringing breakfast over would be enough!

You are such an inspiration Pithy, I hope others see your threads and take courage and comfort from them. You go, girl, you are starting to fly now!

I’m going to suggest threatening suicide as his next move. Or cancer. Or one of the DC is in hospital.

Edit - he won’t and he isn’t ill of course - but be prepared.

I'm afraid my money is on mental health issue and possibly threatening his own life.

Agreed, or over-exaggerating some sort of minor incident involving himself or one of the children. Little Bob falls over and receives a minor bump to the head will become "Bob has a head injury, I'm rushing him to A&E now".

He is very likely to ramp things up. He is now 3 days into having his three unruly children in his minute flat, he has to do EVERYTHING for them, including cook for and regulate them, and he has another 4 days to go. By tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, he's going to be exhausted and stressed out of his brain.

It seems unfortunately that his first reflex is to attack you verbally when he is unhappy. So expect a lot more whining and increasingly mean shit.

Then he might really start to collapse - crying, evincing possibly genuine mental distress and/or deregulation, possible threats of suicide. If it gets to this stage, you need to call the medical authorities/police to do a well-check. You're not trained to handle this. If it's real, he'll get care from people who really can help him. If it's not real, he really will NOT enjoy all the intrusive attention and won't do it again.

As PPs have said, he could also become physically aggressive, in which case you have to be prepared to go to/call the police.

Suicide seems a reasonable guess as to his next move. Not for real of course! Just the ultimate woe is me bollocks.

These things always go the same way, hence many of us suggesting getting all of his stuff out of your house quickly, then blocking him, right from page one of thread one.

At the very least YOUR next move needs to be shifting the last of his stuff. It's keeping a link between you which you don't need, and won't want when he becomes really problematic.

Whats your ultimate goal here OP? I know you are very keen to do what you consider 'fair' and 'kind'. Do you, after a period of time, want to be friends? Have contact with the kids? Is that why you are being so patient with him?

I just think after his recent messages (20 messages about why you are so shit is abusive) you need to reconsider all of that, and cut all contact. Noone is their best selves after a split of course, but he has gone too far. And it sounds like its escalating. You need firmer boundaries and you need to protect yourself and your boy.