Husband’s gym friendship with a younger woman is making me uncomfortable

[Shinia]

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

I feel my husband has got too close to another girl at the gym. She’s married too, but I think thats irrelevant in this scenario.

I don’t go myself, but other people I know go, and tell me this information. Apparently they chat throughout the whole workout. She literally follows him everywhere he goes like a little puppy dog, to the water machine, and even followed him out to the toilet before
and waited outside. They message each other on social media, ranging from just ‘chit chat’ to sending ‘gym memes’.

She’s a lot younger than my husband and I’m wondering whether this little gym crush is a bit of a mid life crisis. She is very pretty so I can imagine a lot of the men there find her attractive.

She’ll voicenote him random things when she’s at work, and send videos of her just chatting to him. He has told me / shown me the majority of these so its not like it’s a secret, but I’m very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’ve told him there’s not much I can do about them chatting at the gym but I don’t like the messaging inbetween. He says he won’t delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her. He has pretty much told me he finds her attractive but said ‘they’re just friends’. He’s never had another ‘girl friend’ throughout our whole 8+ years married. So it just seems odd he suddenly has 1 now with someone he finds attractive.

Other than this we have no issues in our marriage at all. He’s a good Dad, provides for us etc. I just don’t know what to do going forward cuz I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Please be kind and thank you for any advice in advance xx

Your H is not doing enough to shut this down. She sounds insufferable but he is obviously enjoying the attention.

If the sexes were reversed it would be creepy and threatening.

Tell him he needs to fully stop all outside of gym communications with her.

If he cares more about his gym buddy than his wife's feelings then maybe he should use the door. Permanently. I know that's not what you want to hear but he's told you he doesn't want to stop the messages as it would be awkward?! That's pathetic as an excuse.

In the meantime take a shine to an attractive young male neighbour, colleague, even just a random from SM. In a very obvious way because of course it's totally acceptable isn't it?

I'd be telling him stop fucking messaging AND chatting to her at the gym now because a line has been crossed.

If he refuses he can pack his stuff.

Yes. Her (the sad puppy at the gym!) or me - his actual wife!!!!

Get bloody cross OP. ''Doesn't want to upset her'' ?!?!?!
😡

Vice Versa I’d say, he’s a crush on her and she’s flattered.

not sure of some of these suggestions, they are so desperate. Take him to the gym, go to the gym, invite her for dinner, Christ that would be weird as fuck.

the issue isn’t the woman, it’s the fact he fancies her, he has said he will keep it to a minimum, whether he will or not, who knows. But the ops not willing to leave and he’s not willing to delete her, or stop the gym. So not much can be done.

not sure of some of these suggestions, they are so desperate. Take him to the gym, go to the gym, invite her for dinner, Christ that would be weird as fuck.

Imagine inviting some randomer from the gym round for dinner just to get the vibe of what's going on between her and your husband and whether they fancy each other😂

I would be telling him it is dissapointing and unattractive that he is not putting in place proper boundaries here, and would he be ok with you messaging a man you fancied given this is what he is doing ? I very much doubt it.

How does the OP know what she said to her husband?

She clearly must have told the OP husband.

Funny how these friendships are almost invariably with young and attractive women.

Go to the gym. Ask her if she knows he is married to you? Tell her that you dont appreciate her messaging your husband and you want it to stop immediately. All very calmly but firmly. Hear what she says. Then leave.
If it continues then you will need to enforce whatever boundaries you see appropriate.

It sounds like it's all on her side but he's not discouraging her and is enjoying having his ego massaged. What age is he?

Is there touchy feely stuff going on. If not can you keep an eye on what's going on and ride the storm til the novelty wears off (controversial I know). I wouldn't be happy with this either but only you know how much you're willing to tolerate.

Please don't do this OP 🙏

Your husband knows he is married. This woman most likely knows he is married.

Sorry to be blunt but they are adults who are clearly attracted to one another and don't care about anything else (as your husband is clearly demonstrating). You turning up at the gym to "remind her" that he is married to you is just embarrassing. Whatever is going to happen will happen regardless.

Oh I see what you mean. Yes, she must have told him she'd said it. Interesting comment to make to your married gym buddy...

Does the other woman know? And who will be embarrassed? The husband?

I suspect you are right. And that she does know and doesnt care, if which case it's up to the OP on what she will tolerate.

Since becoming old enough to be considered middle aged, it’s becoming increasingly apparent to me that there is never, ever an innocent explanation or motivation for this kind of behaviour.
I’ve lived through being gaslit and been sworn blind to that it’s “just friendship” and whether it’s been myself or my friends in the situation, we’ve always ended up being dumped… and then the guy magically ends up with the girl after all (but it was of course it was total coincidence and not the plan from the start 🙄)
My advice? I’d be prepared to break up over it and whether you see it as a test of who’s more important to him, you or her, or you see it as you standing up for your own self worth, I absolutely would not accept this.

Sounds like two sets of divorce lawyers are going to make money out of this situation.

He's not prioritising you. Is it worse that he feels awkward around this relative stranger than his wife feels unhappy and uncomfortable?

Well regardless, SHE'S married herself so clearly doesn't have any morals anyway!

Funny how they never make friends with the 50+ year old overweight women taking their first few steps into fitness. Or Barry who uses the next treadmill.

He thinks her feelings are more important than yours!

Or she could put her foot down and tell him he needs to end the gym friendship as it is inappropriate in a married man. Why should OP just be a doormat who puts up with poor behaviour from her DH who gets to do whatever he wants? 😮

Well because he said no. Whay would you like her to do, send him to bed early with no dinner until he does what he’s told. Ground him?

It's not innocent and you know in your gut it isn't. The fact that he's not willing to stop it even though you're uncomfortable with it tells you all you need to know. How do you think he would feel if you made a new attractive younger male friend and were meeting up with him at the gym and messaging him all the time? Would he be fine with it? If he says he would, he's a liar!

For what it's worth, I showed this thread to my gym going partner. "That's just wrong.. there's no way it's innocent".

OP has already talked to him about this friendship and he has made it clear he doesn't want to upset the OW by ending it.

The only way " putting your foot down" might possibly work would be if OP gave him an ultimatum of either end his relationship with the OW or the marriage is over. And if he ended things with the OW because he was pressurised to do so and not because he realised it was the right thing to do then the marriage would probably not survive any way.

Join the gym @Shinia