Husband’s gym friendship with a younger woman is making me uncomfortable

[Shinia]

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

I feel my husband has got too close to another girl at the gym. She’s married too, but I think thats irrelevant in this scenario.

I don’t go myself, but other people I know go, and tell me this information. Apparently they chat throughout the whole workout. She literally follows him everywhere he goes like a little puppy dog, to the water machine, and even followed him out to the toilet before
and waited outside. They message each other on social media, ranging from just ‘chit chat’ to sending ‘gym memes’.

She’s a lot younger than my husband and I’m wondering whether this little gym crush is a bit of a mid life crisis. She is very pretty so I can imagine a lot of the men there find her attractive.

She’ll voicenote him random things when she’s at work, and send videos of her just chatting to him. He has told me / shown me the majority of these so its not like it’s a secret, but I’m very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’ve told him there’s not much I can do about them chatting at the gym but I don’t like the messaging inbetween. He says he won’t delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her. He has pretty much told me he finds her attractive but said ‘they’re just friends’. He’s never had another ‘girl friend’ throughout our whole 8+ years married. So it just seems odd he suddenly has 1 now with someone he finds attractive.

Other than this we have no issues in our marriage at all. He’s a good Dad, provides for us etc. I just don’t know what to do going forward cuz I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Please be kind and thank you for any advice in advance xx

I think some people are trying to be inflammatory to you op. “Cosy up” more cincwrned about her feelings.

or maybe he just likes the gym and doesn’t want it to be awkward and will keep the interactions to a minimum as he said.

Your husband has zero respect for you. Why would you want to stay married?

This all seems weird. A bit too much protesting the innocence of the relationship.
I suggest talking again to your husband about how you feel. State that the ‘friendship’ makes you feel insecure and you’re sad that he is prioritising her feeling ok over you feeling ok. As you’ve never had any suspicions or bad feelings throughout your relationship with him then there’s something about this that doesn’t feel right.
if it’s him loving the gym then he can join another gym or similar. He can disappear and cease all contact with her.
you cannot force him to do anything but you are in control of how you respond to his actions. If he wants the friendship with OW then he may have to accept that that will cost him his relationship with you.

Sounds embarrassing if she’s following him like a puppy dog! Does your DH always go at the same time? Can he adjust his schedule so he goes when she’s not there or just go and not let her know ?

I wouldnt be having this. I would ask him to cut off the relationship with her or you end things with him. He will chose you anyway as its unlikely she has any interest in him!

Ugh. She’s got a crush on him and he’s loving the ego stroke. Pathetic.

He goes at different times during the week, so wouldn’t surprise me if they were messaging eachother on when they were going etc. Too much of a coincidence that they always happen to just bump into each other.

I m all for making new friends.In the gym especially different genders and age groups can bond over a specific training regime or class they do together.Is he really into his fitness big style or is this new girl an excuse to go to the gym?.He s told you she likes 'fit' men, that's an odd conversation?
There seems more to this OP, you ve told him it s making you uncomfortable.I think you need to be firmer and go further...discuss his feelings for her...face up to it.
Put yourself in the driving seat and start making decisions which benefit you.
He s not going to and how much longer are you prepared to accept this behaviour from him.
Put him in his place.

Or hiding in plain sight....

It proves that there is to be fair. Who would bother to seek out and befriend, anyone that went to the gym and exercises at the same time as our partners?

Your DH has clearly told her you are bothered by their relationship.

It’s a not that clever young woman trying to hide in plain sight (whose enjoying the attention of an older man) and a husband who should know better but has had his head turned, listening to her and not you.

That makes it worse if he is also initiating the meeting up rather than her just remembering what days and time he goes. Sorry this is happening to you op.

If other people have commented then he's embarrassing himself and making a fool of you even if his intentions are pure.
If you were the one handing out with a young fit bloke how would he feel?

yeah… nah.

red flags.

you should be his priority

Bit more context. She’s recently added me on socal media even though we’ve never met. She’s commented a couple of times on some of the things I’ve posted. I find this very bizarre. My husband said that proves there’s ’nothing in it’ .

It proves that there is to be fair. Who would bother to seek out and befriend, anyone that went to the gym and exercises at the same time as our partners

Yes the lady doth protest too much me thinks....

In your situation I wouldn’t go in guns blazing demanding anything. Assume he’s telling the truth — that he’s friendly with her and doesn’t want to cut contact because it would cause things to be awkward and he doesn’t see it as necessary.

Instead I would approach it from the stance that you believe what he is saying but ask him to put himself in your situation. If their interactions are so intense that other people are questioning his intentions then it reflects poorly on him and you don’t want other people to think badly of him, if it is all innocent. Then ask him what the solution is so that this situation doesn’t affect your marriage. Put it on him to find the solution. He’s a big boy and he can figure out a way of distancing himself without making it awkward. If you are reasonable and get him to look at it logically and from your standpoint, and then ask HIM for the solution he doesn’t get the chance to make it a YOU problem.

Ultimately if he’s untrustworthy and would cheat then there isn’t much you can do to prevent him. But at least you are confronting him with the inappropriateness. What he does with that is up to him.

She could state loud and clear that the way he is acting is inappropriate in a married man, and unacceptable to her. Instead she has said she is "uncomfortable" with it. That is not strong enough imo.

I always say on these threads that you are entitled to not like your husband’s friendship with another woman but you aren’t entitled to dictate who he can and can’t speak to, how often he is in contact, etc. That’s controlling.

Your case sounds more like a ‘friendship’ than a friendship, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that you feel very uncomfortable given they are both obviously attracted to each other. If he won’t stop though, you either have to put up with it without constantly haranguing him, or leave him. I’d choose the latter.

He needs to change gyms .
From what you’re saying they clearly flirt a lot .
No one would be happy with that .
With his “ it would be awkward meeting her at gym if he cuts contact “ 🙄
He’s married ffs !
It’s disrespectful, other people are noticing it & saying it to you .

So disrespectful to you. I never understand how these men are worried about hurting a stranger’s feelings over those of the woman they supposedly love most in the world - other than the clear reason of ego boost / looking for a shag obviously. Sorry Op, this doesn’t bode well.

This is really disrespectful to you, OP. Men and women can certainly be friends but not when both are married, attracted to one another and messaging like teenagers. The fact that he shows you her messages and she has added you on social media adds fuel to the fire in my opinion - they're protesting far too much. I hope you tell him that he's disrespecting you and embarrassing himself, and needs to knock this on the head.

He knows she fancies him, and he most likely fancies her and enjoys the ego rub she gives him (even if he doesn’t want to act on it). Him showing you all the messages and being upfront about it is simply to ease his own conscience and a way to convince himself that it’s all innocent and he hasn’t done anything wrong/crossed any boundaries. She is following you on social media because it’s a way to keep an eye on him and be nosy about your relationship.

I think a good indicator of whether this is innocent or not, would be his response to you suggesting you join the gym too and go along with him.

If he tries to convince you not to, I'd be deeply concerned.

Younger woman, older man, flirting, chatting, reality is it’s a huge self esteem booster for the man and it’s very easy for the flattery to move on to feeling there’s something worth exploring further, the positive is OP is aware of it , he’s not denying anything and has shown the messages they exchange, the negative, he hasn’t stopped

Is say go to the gym.
Or tell him to stop contacting her or letting her contact him.
I can't believe you are tolerating this!

How do you mean assume she is being told the truth 🙄.
Hasn’t she been told by others she knows who also go the gym what’s going on there , to add to that then the pair of them message & chat !!
It’s not about going in all guns blazing, he needs to change gyms & cut contact end of story if he wants to stay married, & not this pussy footing around him bullshit .