Husband’s gym friendship with a younger woman is making me uncomfortable

[Shinia]

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

I feel my husband has got too close to another girl at the gym. She’s married too, but I think thats irrelevant in this scenario.

I don’t go myself, but other people I know go, and tell me this information. Apparently they chat throughout the whole workout. She literally follows him everywhere he goes like a little puppy dog, to the water machine, and even followed him out to the toilet before
and waited outside. They message each other on social media, ranging from just ‘chit chat’ to sending ‘gym memes’.

She’s a lot younger than my husband and I’m wondering whether this little gym crush is a bit of a mid life crisis. She is very pretty so I can imagine a lot of the men there find her attractive.

She’ll voicenote him random things when she’s at work, and send videos of her just chatting to him. He has told me / shown me the majority of these so its not like it’s a secret, but I’m very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’ve told him there’s not much I can do about them chatting at the gym but I don’t like the messaging inbetween. He says he won’t delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her. He has pretty much told me he finds her attractive but said ‘they’re just friends’. He’s never had another ‘girl friend’ throughout our whole 8+ years married. So it just seems odd he suddenly has 1 now with someone he finds attractive.

Other than this we have no issues in our marriage at all. He’s a good Dad, provides for us etc. I just don’t know what to do going forward cuz I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Please be kind and thank you for any advice in advance xx

I’m guessing you are in all the time taking care of the kids whilst he’s out flirting with this young married woman. The thing is you need to value yourself and let it show to him. Things need to change immediately and he needs to take on a bigger parental role whilst you go out and meet friends or take up a hobby even if you initially don’t feel like it.
I agree you haven’t set your boundaries strongly enough so I would set a genuine ultimatum of this stops today or we are definitely over right now. You may reflect on his disrespect and decide it’s over at a later date anyway.
In the other side of things, have you honestly stopped being partners and are now just tired parents? This is absolutely no excuse but if you want to stay together perhaps you need to prioritise some fun time as a couple. I agree you should not play the pick me game but you did get married and have children so it’s worth pointing out to him he will loose you if he doesn’t firstly stop all contact and secondly completely change his attitude to your relationship. He either values you or he loses you and therefore his entire family set up.
Good luck OP I hope he sees sense and learns to be a better husband, but he won’t if you accept what he is currently offering.

He doesn't want to tell her to back off, but maybe he can say that you have noticed and are uncomfortable with her communicating with him outside of the gym. If he can't do that much, to make you comfortable, then clearly her feelings are more important that yours. Hopefully she'll realise she's being a bit forward and leave him alone to work out. He is not blameless in this - he allowed her to think its ok to get this familiar. He needs to know how to set boundaries

Id go in all guns blazing here.

Shes pretty, he fancies her, she's all over him, hes shut you down.

Its only a matter of time.

What have you got to lose?

a)Tell him people are talking.
B)it’s not making him look good publicly.
C)if he is more concerned with awkwardness with some random girl at the gym than his wife’s discomfort then you have bigger issues in your marriage
d) you can’t tell him what to do but you can decide what behaviours you are willing to accept from your husband and Andthis ego boosting validation Behaviour that involves looking stupid to other people having people talk about him and his wife feeling uncomfortable is below the standard that you’ll accept in a husband. So if he chooses that path, he is choosing to shift the dynamics of the marriage which ultimately will end in no marriage

Because regardless of the fact that you don’t want to leave him if he carries on with this, you haven’t got the sort of marriage you want and ultimately the only choice you will have will be to end that marriage not because there’s anything wrong with you but because of his behaviours and priorities

And if he doesn’t see this, he needs to go and see counselling and if he chooses not to do that then again he is choosing to change the trajectory of your marriage

You can’t make someone else do anything all you can do is make your own decisions for how you’re going be behave
That’s what boundaries are. You state what you’re willing to accept, you state what you want from a relationship and if that is not what you’re getting you leave a relationship

Putting your foot down suggests you’re saying ‘you have to do this’ but that’s not how real life works. what you say is ‘I don’t accept this behaviour, you have a choice and if you choose to continue that then I have a choice to leave this marriage’

Oh bless. He’s CHOOSING to be there when she’s there

He’s adjusting his times each week to fit in with the woman. He’s no innocent

Oh that’s rubbish. Going to the woman because your man can’t or won’t control himself.

you do you realise that the OP has a husband problem?
Deal with the problem, not the symptom

Someone who genuinely loves and cares about you will make effort to reassure you. Men often need reminding that you are a desirable lady with better things to do than dick around with their nonsense. Basically it's ok to be jealous but don't be a victim. Rip the piss out of him trying to get off with a much younger woman, remind him what that would mean. Also guess he has so much flexible gym time because you are at home carrying his share of responsibility? Perhaps stop that, go out, live life be a little less available. Make yourself happy but don't let him fuck around in front of your face emotionally or physically without making it obvious that it's not ok with you.

Bingo! Couldn’t agree more!

This one nails it for me.

How are you doing @Shinia?

I think its very weird that she's added you on social media and comments on things when you have never even met.

Thanks for all the comments so far, I do really appreciate it. Little update. Last weekend I saw a message on his phone pop up asking where he was from this girl. I didn’t say anything but took a look at his phone a bit later. He had just replied saying he’s at home with the kids, but then she sent him a 2 minute video. She’d recently had some cosmetic work done, Botox, lips etc, and was asking him what he thought and if he liked it. She was just walking around the gym toilets in the video. Pouting and smiling at the camera etc. She’d obviously wanted to show him in person if he was there. I haven’t mentioned this yet as I was waiting to see if he would tell me ( he obviously hasn’t ). This shows there’s more messages between them than I know.

OP. What age is she & what age is your husband?.
I don’t know , her sending videos like that to your husband , she’s very comfortable with him altogether .

Sounds to me as if there's already a lot more going on than just "friends". I'd dare like to bet they have already started something physical. Totally and utterly beyond normal for a woman to send a video like that to a male "friend", one who is married, in fact, and ask if he likes it!!!!! It could be she doesn't even know he's married.

You're tolerating way, way, waaaaaaaaaay too much. I personally would be done with him and looking at booting him out. He's told you he's prioritising this person over you and won't give up the "friendship"??? Just WTAF?????

I think he is already cheating on you, sorry OP. Possible he's lied to her, said he's single, and she is in fact single and has a completely different idea of what his real life is like. Or she's sleeping with him and doesn't care about anyone else but herself.

I'd personally want a bit more evidence but if I was in your shoes, I'd be sorting out separating because he had disrespected you already BIG TIME. Not a good man, not a loyal man. A very sly and nasty man to behave like this.

She sounds immature and desperate for attention. If that’s not giving him the ick I don’t know what will. He needs to realise he has the potential to fuck up his marriage by entertaining her need for validation.

Do you think he realises that it is a possibility that his ‘friendship’ with her could irreparably change your feelings towards him and your marriage? I think that needs to be made clear sooner rather than later.

I’m sorry OP. This is seriously heading into dangerous territory- if it’s not already there.
You need to tell him that as far as you are concerned you feel insecure and unhappy about this friendship. If he reiterates again about feeling awkward around her then you need to say about him feeling ok to be awkward with you and making you feel awkward.
as I said before there is no reason why he can’t move gym. No reason why he can’t tell her to do one. other than him choosing not to. It’s either that he is loving the attention or that he’s emotionally invested with this woman and fancies her.
no point dealing with her- I’d imagine she knows about you and doesn’t give a crap. Her loyalties are not to you. His should be. Perhaps you need to be telling him that you will be thinking long and hard about whether you want to play second best to his gym bunny and that he should know that if he’s not committed to you then you’re seriously considering the relationship. When he realises how serious you are this may be the short sharp bolt into reality he needs.
im sorry OP.

Op your gut is telling you to be aware. Age or marriage means nothing if the spark is there ready to be lit he fancies her so no. 1 red flag 2, why should the girl care what he thinks of her beauty regime Bit odd shouldn’t she be showing her husband or friends? Never ever think it can’t or won’t happen he could be getting his ego boosted she could be unhappy and he’s giving her attention and even if your on social media doesn’t stop them getting up to anything . I know people who have cheated for years with other family members or best mates never say never. Op check his phone until you can longer believe it’s just friendship then tell him what you know. Then you have to decide what you want.

I think I would go and get yourself a friend too!? What’s good for the goose and all that. He has no intention of stopping this ‘friendship’ so I would suggest making more of a life of your own

OP I think you need to act to save your marriage. Challenging this situation would not be weakness or insecurity on your part it would be a way of getting him to wake the fuck up and realise what he is doing.

If he IS choosing her over you then you need to know that. Continuing to see and message her and indulge her pouty videos is hugely disrespectful to you and damaging to your family and marriage.

If nothing has happened yet then it will as they are obviously attracted to each other and feel completely free to spend time together and message each other all the time.

He's either too into her to care or he is being extremely stupid about where this will end up. Either way I don't think I could just stand by and watch it happen.

oh, OP, the last update is quite something, isn't it.

If he doesn't agree that this is totally unacceptable behaviour, and that it has to stop immediately, you have a really hard line to take - if you want to save your relationship. He is actively encouraging this by not telling her she's crossing the line - and that might be because he wants an easy life at the gym and he is having a jolly old time of it.

I am betting he doesn't believe you'll do anything rash, either.

This makes YOU feel uncomfortable and HE has to do something to stop that before it's too late for you both.

Sending love. I know how this feels.

Regardless he spending a lot of time and energy on this friendship that could surely be better spent...

Your dh doesn’t want her to feel awkward but what about how you feel? I would be joining the gym in your position op! Two can play this game.

As someone who goes to the gym I couldn’t even imagine this, sure there’s a lot of attractive women and men in any gym, but getting to know someone in the gym and then continuing that constantly outside of the gym is just weird, unless both party’s are single. I couldn’t imagine following a man around the gym or speaking to someone during my time there. It’s headphones in, get it done and go for most people.

It would be no different to meeting someone on a night out then adding them on social media when you’re married.. it just crosses boundaries (in my opinion) so I don’t see how meeting someone in the gym is any different to this.

why does he care about making a random girl in the gym feel awkward if he cuts it off.

He’s not respecting you or your marriage.