Husband’s gym friendship with a younger woman is making me uncomfortable

[Shinia]

I know there’s been tones of these, and the general consensus is to ‘leave him’, or ‘you’re stupid for putting up with it’ but I’m trying to see if i can get some other advice please.

I feel my husband has got too close to another girl at the gym. She’s married too, but I think thats irrelevant in this scenario.

I don’t go myself, but other people I know go, and tell me this information. Apparently they chat throughout the whole workout. She literally follows him everywhere he goes like a little puppy dog, to the water machine, and even followed him out to the toilet before
and waited outside. They message each other on social media, ranging from just ‘chit chat’ to sending ‘gym memes’.

She’s a lot younger than my husband and I’m wondering whether this little gym crush is a bit of a mid life crisis. She is very pretty so I can imagine a lot of the men there find her attractive.

She’ll voicenote him random things when she’s at work, and send videos of her just chatting to him. He has told me / shown me the majority of these so its not like it’s a secret, but I’m very uncomfortable with the whole situation. I’ve told him there’s not much I can do about them chatting at the gym but I don’t like the messaging inbetween. He says he won’t delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her. He has pretty much told me he finds her attractive but said ‘they’re just friends’. He’s never had another ‘girl friend’ throughout our whole 8+ years married. So it just seems odd he suddenly has 1 now with someone he finds attractive.

Other than this we have no issues in our marriage at all. He’s a good Dad, provides for us etc. I just don’t know what to do going forward cuz I feel so uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Please be kind and thank you for any advice in advance xx

What he's showing you is that his "friendship" with her is more important to him than your hurt feelings. He's already half way out the door of your marriage, I'm sad to say. And you either do the pick me dance or you remove yourself as an option for him.

Christ that’s brutal. Did you just feel like giving her a good kick.

Seriously? I can't think of anything more humiliating than doing this.

The woman owes OP nothing. OP's husband is the one who made the vows and should be capable of behaving like a married adult and respecting his wife's very reasonable boundaries rather than flirting with a random at the gym.

This will escalate if he does not cut it off right now. The fact that he's concerned more about his relationship with her than upsetting you speaks volumes.

Alarm bells should be ringing now, he’s hiding his emotional affair in plain sight.

the only consolation I can think of is, he would get bored of her very quickly once he had his way. She on the other hand will be very difficult to shake off based on what you’ve said. Follows him to the loo? What on earth for?

What's brutal is a man treating his wife and family of 8 years like they don't matter to him.

Nope, I would genuinely leave rather than put up with this, even with kids. What he's doing is shitting all over the commitment you both made when you got married, 'forsaking all others' means exactly that. It would already be over for me knowing how easily his head has turned but at the very least you should be making continuing your marriage dependent on him ceasing all contact, joining a different gym and making a shit tonne of effort to make this up to you, anything less is just giving him the green light to carry on betraying you.

Out of interest OP, how old is your dh and how old is the gym woman?

I can't get over the following him to the loo thing because that is very odd!!!

‘’The sad gym puppy’’ who follows your husband all around the gym …. Even the blooming toilet !!!
Talking here from experience OP, affairs start off like this, chats in the gym, working out tother at the gym, sad puppy following to the toilets, messages outside gym, flirty messages ….. their relationship is definitely developing.
You are not being unreasonable to ask him to change gym times!
If he changes the actual gym, there’s every chance she will too and then you won’t have your friends reporting back!!
Best wishes OP 🌺

This.

I certainly wouldn’t be joining the gym, or feeling like I needed to check his phone etc.

It would be clear cut for me: stop blurring boundaries or we’re over.

He needs to put you first, 💯

Cool and calm is the way here op. I wouldn’t be going to the gym or contacting her in anyway. I’d be cold as fucking ice with him and he’d be told in no uncertain terms that this stops, now, immediately, or I was out. And I’d mean it. Absolutely no way would I tolerate this shite.
This issue with that is it risks him carrying it on in secret so you’ll have to be vigilant. Christ, why are some people such massive twats?

You've told him you are uncomfortable and this isn't enough.

I'd try another approach entirely.

Firstly, I wouldn't mention her again and I'd get very busy myself with some social commitments for a week or two.

Then the next time he mentions her "who are you talking about? Oh her... Ah she seems a little sad doesn't she? Well just what you've told me about her, I mean I remember being that age, out having loads of fun, I wasn't hanging around a gym looking for attention from older married people. She must be lonely in her marriage and not have any friends her own age."

Then on the next opportunity "who? Oh FFS not her again. Come on, please don't be that cliche middle aged man falling for this. If I find out you're that pathetic I'm going to find it very hard to sleep with you again. I know we are getting older but I'm not ready to be married to the daft old fool yet."

I'd mean it to be honest. What an utter dope.

So, he goes to the gym to see her then?

Because if he went to the gym to go to the gym, he would just swap gyms, no?

He doesnt give a flying fig about you OP. Basically doesnt care thst your uncomfortable, hed rather not make it awkward at the gym with her

Geeeezus 🤦‍♀️ surely its more awkward for him to explain to his children snd family and friends that youve left him because of all of this?! Id sit him down and explain in no uncertain terms he removes her from social media and changes gyms or your out.

In all honestly the fact that you needed to say this to him means id already be out

What a guy 🙄

I hate to even potentially derail a thread but let me assure you it’s not always attractive YOUNG women - I won’t embarrass myself by posting about a horrible situation I’m in where I’m probably 15-20 years older than the man doing things like this. And I’m not delusional either!

This is such a horribly common scenario that you have OP but in this case what makes it worse is (to me) that he is refusing to even keep it in the gym because he doesn’t want face to face time to be “awkward” by stopping texting/commenting when he literally does not have to do those things at all.
He doesn’t respond to your request for your life not to be made decidedly uncomfortable by his messaging and communication on social media with someone he’s not even “real” friends with. Just a gym attendee.

Im not the best for advice necessarily. … I’d sit him down and say “No games here - I want to you to listen and hear me. I want you to know this is very uncomfortable for me. Your actions are directly hurting me for these reasons. I want you to tell me what you feel about that and what you intend to do”. I wouldn’t just let it end up in passive aggressive war or hints because it can easily end up like that. I’ve had to do this with my (shitty) husband over a mutual friend. I made it plain that I wasn’t going to fight for attention but he’d better start fighting for mine because I cannot stand “fawning” over someone else right in front of me.

And this is the bit where your husband should start mentioning you a lot...

I think the only thing you can do is start going to the gym too. Make yourself visible, invite her and her husband round, make her your friend too.

He is being disrespectful to you op, and in my opinion, emotionally, he’s cheating on you, yes he might be flattered and loving the attention but this will end badly for both of you if he doesn’t nip it in the bud.

"I'm sorry you're hurt by my disrespect towards you and dismissal of your feelings, but im not going to stop because I dont want to hurt the other woman's feelings"

Mate leave this trash

Speak to him again and be firm about your feelings and boundaries
If he is defensive and continues with his interactions with her.

I would not join the gym nor invite her round thats just a no no and so obvious.

I proabarly would wait somewhere nearby (where you cant be seen but can see him/ them) ie: gym area or car park etc to see if they leave together and their interactions with each other, take puctures /film it maybe.

Some would say if you have to do this there is no trust anyway but I would want to see for myself and make my choices based on proof not just a feeling.

Exactly

Yes its funny that they never bond with lorry driver Kev whos trying to lose a few stone

Bit more context. She’s recently added me on socal media even though we’ve never met. She’s commented a couple of times on some of the things I’ve posted. I find this very bizarre. My husband said that proves there’s ’nothing in it’ .

Or that she’s trying to befriend you to keep you close, either way it’s your husband that is behaving badly. What is the ages of the women and your dh op?

My husband is late 30’s and this woman is early 20’s. So quite the age difference.

Whilst he’s ultimately the one risking his relationship she isn’t behaving well either - cosying up to a married man whilst being married herself isn’t great. Although he absolutely should have put a stop to it, the fact he hasn’t speaks volumes.

He says he won't delete her on socials, or start ignoring her messages because it would be awkward when he next sees her

Massive red flag there. He is more concerned about not hurting her feelings than he is about hurting yours. You need to tell him so.