Sex, middle aged. Can’t be bothered.

[HollyIvy89]

Am 45. Am likely peri menopause
I am just not fussed for sex. I also can not abide being groped or stroked lol
I can get into sex once we get going but I feel annoyed about the expectation that the kids aren’t here so we will get going. I hate waking up to someone’s hand wandering my way.
I don’t live with my partner but he stays a few times a week and really do enjoy my own space but love his company, hanging out and totally fancy him. But I can take or leave sex.
My life if full on and very stressful with issues with my teen so quite often I am really not in the mood.
is this all normal at this age? Do men just expect more than a Middle Aged mom can muster enthusiasm for.
how do I deal with not making him feel unwanted

I absolutely cannot be arsed with it any more either. 46.

Im 39 and cant be bothered with sex.
So glad im single.

A lot of men have the expectation that if in a relationship sex should occur at the level they want it at, without allowing for any variations. Sex drive can vary across all ages, go up and down and be dependent on various factors. Men likely aren’t thinking about this aspect to it all. This is all very normal we have just been led to believe otherwise.

Its absolutely fine that you don't want to have sex but I think it's really unfair on your partner, if he does still want it. But if you are genuinely not into it, he will be able to sense your lack of enthusiasm and interest. You shouldn't be having sex if you don't want to, equally he shouldn't be subjected to sex with someone who doesn't care about it. Have you spoken to him about your thoughts on this matter? Is it a friendship or a relationship, that's what you need to decide.

Fine if you don’t want to but unfair on your partner if he does so be prepared to go your separate ways. I’m older than you and still very keen! (No hrt either, it’s a mindset I think, you either enjoy or not)

A clear mind helps. You can't get sexual if your'e wondering whether you've loaded the dishwasher or not for example,
So if you're stressed out it only compounds the issue. Have you discussed this with DP?

I’m 37. I’ll do it once a quarter as maintenance but other than that, can’t be arsed in the slightest.

It's a level of closeness and connection that I just couldn't go without. And so I wouldn't expect my partner to. Maybe its a big stereotype and Im wrong but I think men feel lonely without sex and I wouldn't want that for a man that I loved or fancied. But that's easy to say when its something I really enjoy.

I dont understand how sexless relationships work? But I know some people do agree to them. However does he feel about that?

A lot of women have the expectation that if they go off sex, their partner should simply accept the situation, without complaint.

Im a same sex marriage. 46. Sex is amazing and regular. Its not an age thing.

Which is also unreasonable.

But not being prepared to understand that sex change fluctuates is my point here.

If the level of sex is an issue over a long term the only option is really to end the relationship because otherwise you end up with one person who wants sex and the other person tolerating it. I’m sure nobody wants that.

Well so do many women. Ie they don't want sex so they expect the man to just accept a sexless life. It's no wonder men look elsewhere.

I'm 44 and have a massive increase in libido recently. Coming off contraception has been amazing for it.

@ForTipsyFinch sorry just realised someone else said the same.

Might not be for you but for millions of women it IS!

Or, you end up with one person wanting sex, and going without. Nobody wants that, either, but men are often expected to tolerate it, are told there's more to life than sex etc.

I think both partners should understand that sex drive isn’t something which is rigidly fixed, I don’t think that’s an unreasonable stance. It does more often tend to be men who seem to be less effected by outside influences on it though 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think a relationship with long term mismatches in sex drive is good for anyone though. A man doesn’t have to expect a sexless life he’s free to move on to a new relationship, but he isn’t free to insist on and pressure someone for sex if a woman doesn’t want it.

I wonder if I was less stressed I’d be able to make more effort. I think my biggest issue is in my own head in that if we are alone he will expect sex. My previous partner I spoke to about that and it really was the beginning of the end for us. I do think as we have so little time alone he likely does see if as an opportunity. I struggle with affection generally. But I do try and talk this through and have explained that I handhold rather than big hugs and I am a feeder and like to look after him and also bringing him into my family is also my way of showing the commitment. I just have this barrier up about sex right now. I can get into it no problem like I say but it’s the expectation of let’s go that I am struggling with.

Most of my friends, especially those who are post menopause, are honest about the fact that they have to force themselves to have sex now, never want it and would rather have a cup of tea and a biscuit.

It's the reality for a LOT of us!

My advice would be to have your hormone levels checked.

HRT or testosterone may help.

Hmm, 45 seems awfully young to be feeling like this. I would say that I am now a bit less bothered, but my drive only really dropped very recently (I'm 56). I'm not sure whether it's me, or the fact that DH is never bothered, so I've kind of given up initiating.

Same. Really can’t be arsed. 49

I think it depends on lots of factors. A pp said 45 is too young. Why? If your hormones have tanked coupled with the sex you're having becoming duty sex, of course your libido is going to take a nosedive.

Maybe your partner is one of those men that has a raging libido but is dumbfounded by his perimenopausal wife's lack of desire when he's put on 8 stone since you met and has questionable personal hygiene and his testosterone has remained static for decades whereas hers has been an ongoing rollercoaster.

If you're still at it like rabbits at 70, good for you but women shouldn't be making other women feel inadequate for something they literally cannot help. Men will happily fulfil that role!

I read something recently that said that men and women experience desire differently in that men 'feel horny' therefore want sex (proactively), whereas women tend to want sex 'in response' (reactively) so we don't tend to feel horny and therefore want sex but will feel horny once we get going.

I read on here time and time again that women don't feel horny but once sex gets underway they enjoy it but prior to getting going weren't fussed.

So suggestions to read erotic literature, try masturbating (even if you don't feel like it as such) to make time for yourself so you feel good in your body etc.

I've had great swathes of my life where libido was non existent. Get your hormones checked because if they are out of wack you won't feel like it.

If you don't fancy your DH any more though, well that's something else. Sometimes it can be rekindled, sometimes not.

You need to tell him you need a longer build up, hugs throughout the day, a bit of kissing, being asked about your day even, it’s the immediacy that’s a turn off. I think intimacy is missing quite often when you have kids and you’re busy and knackered. DH and I talked about it and we got through that patch by recognising each others needs. I’m 59 now and recently through the menopause, sex is truly wonderful again.

I am in a long term relationship same sex and the sex is mind blowing. I am 43. I'm wondering about the abilities of some of the blokes on here!

So you actually are adverse to most forms of physical intimacy not just sex.

that’s fine but probably suggests you are not compatible with someone for whom physical touch are essential.

some people like you find touch unpleasant or uncomfortable. Other need physycal touch. Hugging, cuddling, spooning and for many sex.

it’s just a complete incompatibility