Sex, middle aged. Can’t be bothered.

[HollyIvy89]

Am 45. Am likely peri menopause
I am just not fussed for sex. I also can not abide being groped or stroked lol
I can get into sex once we get going but I feel annoyed about the expectation that the kids aren’t here so we will get going. I hate waking up to someone’s hand wandering my way.
I don’t live with my partner but he stays a few times a week and really do enjoy my own space but love his company, hanging out and totally fancy him. But I can take or leave sex.
My life if full on and very stressful with issues with my teen so quite often I am really not in the mood.
is this all normal at this age? Do men just expect more than a Middle Aged mom can muster enthusiasm for.
how do I deal with not making him feel unwanted

Very good job you left when you did then rather than continue the sham of a purely sex based marriage you clearly had.

What would have happened if you'd lost your libido for medical reasons but she still wanted it? Hope you'd have been happy for her to F off and leave you.

A month is a short amount of time, but I think it’s ok to not want to spend the rest of your life without sex. For many people it’s a very important part of life. I’m 45 and wouldn’t want to think I’d never have sex again.

If a partner became unable to have sex I’d have to consider whether the rest of the relationship was enough and also discuss other options with that person (open relationship fo example).

I find a lot of people on MN can be quite flippant about sex, as if if it’s a teeny part of a relationship. It’s essentially what separates it from a friendship.

Many women are perfectly accepting of shit sex when it comes to wanting babies. Then once sex is for fun, they can't be bothered. Women should prioritise finding a compatable sexual partner.

I can't really comment further, I've only been with DH and we have a good sex life.

That’s alien to me , I’m 44 and I love sex and I don’t think I would be happy without it .

I feel the same way

Tricky. If you fancy him and like his company, I'd argue it's worth putting in the effort.

What I did when this happened to me - I tried everything to get my sex drive going. Reading erotic fiction worked, as did raunchy TV series like Sex/Life. Once thr idea was in my head, it was a lot easier to generate enthusiasm.

I also negotiated the boundaries - agreed to have a regular routine. Rather than being boring it worked wonders for our relationship. It solved the uncertainty which had led to resentment on his side. On my side it meant I wasn't pestered morning, noon and night. Because thats how I felt. I was like - seriously- I have so much to do, so much on my mind - and you want this? 🙄

Its worked out as a good compromise. My husband is happy to have sex less frequently than perhaps he'd like as long as he knows its coming. And I now don't feel like a female pigeon running away and dodging his advances.

I’ve never really been interested and have never taken oral contraceptives. I’ve been with two people that I enjoyed it with because I loved them and it was about connection. The other times it’s been either a chore or something to be done to get it out of the way.

no one should be having sex they don’t want, but by the same token- you are not married and don’t live together, your partner decided that no sex is a dealbreaker for him- that’s his choice to look for someone else

Well, no not really. Not for everyone.

I’ve had a lot of very good sex in my life. I’m also very good at pleasing myself. But I’m just not interested anymore. For me it’s like going to concerts / going out clubbing / whatever- when you’re younger you enjoy it but couldn’t be less interested now I’m older. Just because you don’t want to do something now doesn’t mean you’ve never experienced mind blowing sex.

Exactly. I used to be very sexually-driven in my younger years. Even once my children were past their infancy I was mad for it. But then I arrived at 55 and absolutely every sexual thought I ever had just fell out of me. The shit partner with his porn-ideas was also a bit of a passion killer but once I'd got rid of him the desire never came back.

Now it's creeping back but I can think of at least ten things I would rather be doing, so I'm not going looking for another man.

I really struggle with the idea that almost every relationship is conditional upon a woman having working ovaries. I know that this is always the reason for low libido but when the ovaries do stop producing hormones, almost every woman stops wanting sex. That's just a natural part of life because sex is a waste of energy if there's no chance of reproduction.

It just makes relationships seem rather pointless and kind of ridiculous given that every woman goes through menopause. And I think hormones blind us to the fact that we have a sell-by date, especially as the libido tends to increase as we enter peri and I've noticed that a lot of women think that this is going to continue and seem a bit smug about it.

Anyway, there's my very autistic reply :).

Isn't not is

You're right @MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend. Ultimately the reasons humans become horny little buggers when we're teens is PURELY because of hormones. We're not interested prior to that (unless there's something very wrong psychologically) so why on earth is there so much debate (and criticism) about why womens sex drive reduces as she gets older?!!

I think it should be discussed a lot more during sex education so that young women and men are not blindsided if/when sex drive falls off a cliff. It's common bloody sense! Hormones = sex drive/reduced sex drive or zero sex drive.

While I'm on it, why, if women are expected to artificially (chemically) increase their naturally decreasing sex drive for the benefit of their relationship, why aren't men expected to have theirs chemically reduced at the same time?

But even based on this thread that isn’t the case. Some women no longer want sex. Some women continue to enjoy and want sex well past menopause!

Are women expected to take hrt to increase their sex drive though because that's not something I've come accross.

I started systemic hrt because of joint pain and low energy and local vaginal hrt because I had a hysteroscopy that identified early vaginal atrophy.

The fact both increased my sex drive is an added bonus which I love in addition to having no joint pain, more energy and not having to get up in the night for a wee.

I can't make myself cum, so a man has very little chance.
BTW, not all women are like this. A 55yo friend of mine was recently telling me all the juicy details of her Tinder hook ups and how much sex she was getting from different me.

"as maintenance" Love it. 😄

Sounds like you are better off ending things. You have no interest and he has a normal level for a man his age. That difference may improve or it will sour the relationship an things could end in an unpleasant way.

As you don’t live together ending it should be easier. Sounds like you are not well matched.

Free yourself from the expectation and let him find someone who wants to be having sex with him.

At 37? Why bother staying together?

64 with a porn habit? Christ mdn are disgusting...

I think they are expected to.

As soon as a woman says she's gone off sex, the litany of how to fix it starts. It's framed as something unnatural to no longer have much of a libido. When in actual fact, the waning libido is mostly due to loss of hormones, which is totally natural.

But it's always presented as a problem to be fixed.

I don't regard my lack of libido as a problem. I see it as a solution to the torment of wanting sex but not wanting to be in a relationship with (sorry guys) mostly shit men.

Fair enough. You think women are expected to take hrt to 'fix' a waning libido, I don't think they are. Of course there are many women who really want to increase their libido because sex is enjoyable and aren't being expected to do anything but do so fif their own satisfaction.

Let's agree to disagree 🤷‍♀️

I like sex with my DH but if he wasn’t around I wouldn’t be bothered
it helps that he is fit good looking and not
selfish
we probably have sex 3 times a week sometimes more
married 26 years
although I’m not bothered to much about having sex I love and adore my husband there isn’t much he wouldn’t do for me so I like to keep him happy

he left his first wife as she said she wasn’t interested in sex any more

Wait till your late 50’s.. thanking my lucky stars dh’s sex drive has come down.. such a happy marriage but can’t be bothered with that.. my hormones aren’t what they were even on HRT!

I agree. I think back to my late teens / 20s when my (then high) sex drive drove a lot of my awful decisions and took so much energy away from focusing on my career / other stuff and I think god how much more could I have achieved if I wasn’t chasing stupid men?!