Sex, middle aged. Can’t be bothered.

[HollyIvy89]

Am 45. Am likely peri menopause
I am just not fussed for sex. I also can not abide being groped or stroked lol
I can get into sex once we get going but I feel annoyed about the expectation that the kids aren’t here so we will get going. I hate waking up to someone’s hand wandering my way.
I don’t live with my partner but he stays a few times a week and really do enjoy my own space but love his company, hanging out and totally fancy him. But I can take or leave sex.
My life if full on and very stressful with issues with my teen so quite often I am really not in the mood.
is this all normal at this age? Do men just expect more than a Middle Aged mom can muster enthusiasm for.
how do I deal with not making him feel unwanted

I object that I have been conditioned by me to want sex. As I’ve said I have a higher sexy drive than my male partner. I think he’d happily go months or years without it.

For me love is connected to sex, I don’t jus want him for sex, but I feel connected through sex (and I don’t just mean piv sex) in a way that I don’t through other forms of intimacy. I am also quite a tactile person, and like cuddles and other forms of intimacy.

What I object to is being made to feel weird because of sweeping statements like “because of hormones women don’t want sex anymore”. I’m paraphrasing.

I don’t think anyone should have sex they don’t want. I’ve never suggested my DP should seek GP advice on increasing his sex drive. If he wants to he will. But I don’t expect it.

I do think that sexual intimacy is part of a romantic relationship FOR ME. And don’t appreciate being inferred that I’m letting the side down by wanting sex past the age of 40.

To add, my life and relationship would be sooo much easier if I didn’t want sex anymore. Then it would more closely match my DP.

Very much agree. I love sex, and intimacy, and cuddles and hand holding and little touches as he passes. We are all different.

I’m 44 and feel the same. I’m overwhelmed and it’s another thing on the bloody to do list. I feel exhausted and unsexy.

I agree with this too.

I would actually be extremely happy to be in my post sex era if I wasn’t married to a man who still values it so much.

I didn't explain properly but yes being in my early 50s and post menopausal I am having a sex drive surge. It dipped a bit during peri / menopausal but back to myself post menopause.

I agree, you are right, we are all different.

I know not all women feel like this when their hormones slow down/disappear but most do. My sister in law had a female pup who was so randy it was embarrassing. Every dog she came across she backed up to, basically asking for a good humping. She was spayed and instantly just wanted a biscuit and a snooze. I’m in my 60s and feel like I’ve been spayed.

Ha ha- me too - I appreciate it’s an individual thing but the only women I’ve personally met who seem genuinely really interested ‘that way ‘ post menopause are ones who are looking for a new partner - I’ve always been the same if I’m honest- was up for it for first 3 or 4 years in a relationship and I then just went off it ., felt like another thing on the to do list

That is a false equivalence. His relationship with you and his relationship with his ex are both incompatible for different reasons.

I wasn’t criticising, all of our emotions are irrational, we then tend to rationally justify them or try and rationally manage them. What I have found interesting is some people are not bothered by the idea but others are unbothered.

I was thinking that those who would be ok with it are probably similar but those who are not OK with it may be in different groups in terms of what their primary motivation. I was curious if it was a concern that it would be a risk of the relationship ending, or if it was more immediate jealously or any number of other possible concerns.

I wouldn’t be ok either but I suspect it would be an immediate jealously feeling rather than a long term thought.

I don't want to have no desire, I just do.
I don't want him to be frustrated and feel unloved but he is and does.
But if I thought he was with another woman I would hate it, and the thought he could do that would make me think he no longer loved me.

That's a bit of a sweeping statement re: sex and looking for a new partner.

I can't be the only post menopausal woman who wants regular sex in a long standing relationship (married for 24 years). I honestly didn't realise it wasn't that common!!!

No you are probably not unusual at all , it’s definitely the case though in the circle of women I personally know of that age.

Same, 44 and just can't be arsed anymore.

I felt the same until I asked the GP to prescribe testosterone on top of my regular HRT. My sex life is now amazing! It's worked wonders in general to be honest, improved energy, better cognitive function and memory etc. Well worth a consideration IMO.

How long did it take to work?

I wonder if back when we lived in caves the drop in hormones and reduction in sex drive at menopause ( for the few that lived long enough to reach it) was supposed to free up men to impregnate younger women in order to continue procreation and for increased genetic diversity. At that time we were probably never meant to have a long term pair bond beyond child rearing years. The men were meant to change their partners for younger ones ( some still do this ). Although who were the younger men meant to impregnate ? Perhaps there was a hierarchy, like silver back gorillas.

I believe loss of libido to be a natural phenomenon. Mine dropped off a cliff a few years ago ( I’m in my late fifties). No warning. I do sex sometimes because I’m married. It’s becoming a rare event. PIV actually hurts and leaves me feeling tender inside afterwards ( tmi - even when it seems there is plenty of natural lube ) and it’s the perfect storm really as nowadays DH can last a very long time. We do other things than PIV and also all the affectionate kisses, cuddles, hand holds.

If something happened to DH I would get another cat but not another man.

This is not talked about enough and this is a very important thread. I have enjoyed reading all PPs’ comments.

It did take a fair few months, although I was trying to reverse anaemia at the same time due to fairly erratic and heavy menstrual bleeding. I was always very fit and quite muscular before peri hit which completely drained me and added a load of central 'android' fat to my midsection. The oestrogen definitely helped level me out and after a few months or so if having T added I was back to training really intensively again with masses of energy, the fat dropped off really quickly and my libido returned. I think getting my figure back also helped a bit with my libido as my peri body didn't make me feel remotely sexy!

Yes I feel like others do. Sometimes Im just worn out work home and demanding elderly mother. I need a rest lol.

I’m glad it’s worked for you but for the sake of the thread wanted to say I’ve tried this - mainly for the hope of extra energy more than anything else - and it made absolutely no difference whatsoever to my sex drive. None. So it’s not a wonder worker for everyone.

Thank you. I'm glad it's working so well for you. Did you get any negative side effects from the testosterone? I'm currently using oestrogel but I'm so tired at the moment.
Do you need to use it every day? Or is it a few times a week thing?

Yes, I was always tired and much less sharp/on the ball. I had a blood test to check my T levels and they were at the lower end of the spectrum. They prescribed Testogel sachets, exactly the same as they prescribe for men but obviously at a much lower dose. I make one sachet last 8 days as prescribed, which translates roughly as a pea sized amount, that I rub into my abdomen. I've had absolutely no negative side effects and have only seen the benefits.

I find this thread so sad.

One of the few pleasures this short life brings and it seems like so many missing out.

The problem with saying that loss of libido is a natural stage, is that women like me feel ike freaks when it doesn’t happen. Somehow we are the issue, over-sexed or something.

I think it is just different people. And ageing. As I’ve said my DP is mid-50s and male and it is his sex drive that has plummeted.

I don’t really appreciate being made to feel like a weirdo because my sex drive hasn’t gone.

I’m not missing out on anything thanks! What an assumption. I’ve had plenty of orgasms in my life but I’m so bored of it all now.