Sex, middle aged. Can’t be bothered.

[HollyIvy89]

Am 45. Am likely peri menopause
I am just not fussed for sex. I also can not abide being groped or stroked lol
I can get into sex once we get going but I feel annoyed about the expectation that the kids aren’t here so we will get going. I hate waking up to someone’s hand wandering my way.
I don’t live with my partner but he stays a few times a week and really do enjoy my own space but love his company, hanging out and totally fancy him. But I can take or leave sex.
My life if full on and very stressful with issues with my teen so quite often I am really not in the mood.
is this all normal at this age? Do men just expect more than a Middle Aged mom can muster enthusiasm for.
how do I deal with not making him feel unwanted

Who said that?

Yep as I said below, it’s not always a matter of can’t being arsed. I have a similar record to you too and having been in relationships from 15 onwards I suddenly found the thoughts of it made me actually feel quite ill and I just suddenly found it all repulsive

Probably. Because what you have now is a platonic friendship and not a romantic relationship. I don’t have dc with my DP, and I do love him very much. But the idea of never having sex ever again is awful.

At the moment it is infrequent, with long gaps between, usually about 6 weeks. I think once it was 4 months.

Same here, very content with it.

Why are so many women disinterested? Is it the decades of hormonal contraceptives?

I can’t be bothered either. The whole thing seems ridiculous to me now. A messy palaver.

If I actually wanted an orgasm I could do that myself perfectly well anyway with the added bonus of then not having to sleep on a wet patch or to fake enthusiasm for a preliminary blow job but I prefer a good book and a cup of tea.

At my age (58) I feel my poor fanny has earned it’s retirement after years of having a male appendage banging away at it.

I think biology plays a part ie we are no longer fertile but also age and experience brings the wisdom that so many men are shits.
It tends to put you off having anything to do with them.

Imo it's the sudden drop in oestrogen that happens from mid/late 40s onwards. If that isn't replaced, at least vaginally, then you will gradually lose sensation and lubrication and elasticity. Also, your clitoris will atrophy. Not only will you not feel like sex, but if you attempt it, it will be painful and your orgasms will be diminished so you're not really going to be up for it. I can only assume this is why some women don't want much sex as they get older.

That's without taking any relationship problems, resentment lack of attraction to your partner into consideration.

I don’t play the tart for Jerry anymore, like previous posters have said the very thought makes me feel quite nauseous, and yes all down to hormones post menopause for me, Tom Hiddleton could do his Rasputin dance just for me and I would just tell him he’s getting in the way of the telly. Many women say and I agree with this that we have a personality change after menopause, it’s hardly surprising our sex drive changes as well.

I think everyone here speaks for themselves.

As per PP, post menopausal women have to FORCE themselves to have sex? Seriously?
Let the man look elsewhere or walk, don't do what you don't want to do!
Also this HRT advice and sending ladies to a GP - fuck that.
Let the men take some synthetic hormone to reduce their pointless libido.

Women don't take HRT just for libido FGS!!!

I'm 65. Was so violently opposed to sex that I couldn't even read about it without feeling ill. Last partner was a lesson in aversion-therapy, he would never cuddle or kiss or make any physical contact unless it was sex, which had to be porn-like and was, in the end, painful.

I don't use HRT but started on vaginal estradol pessaries for VA and have to say that my libido has started cautiously to reemerge. I think the painful sex I'd been having pre the end of my relationship, had done a number on me. However, I have no desire to be in a relationship again, not because of the sex but because I can't bear the thought of having to deal with the other aspects of having a man in my space!

Very normal OP.

I didn't suggest they did.

Mw ex wife once said ' she was looking forward to all this being over ' referring to menopause, and the end of sex. I was gone within the month. Simple.

Agree.

I think a lot of men are FUCKING SHIT at sex, which is why women go off it.

If their husbands could make them cum more than 25% of the time, then more women would be up for it.

Bet you’re shit in bed.

I am probably perimenopausal and frankly would love more sex. Except my husband has put on several stone, grown a beard that I hate and find deeply attractive. Despite honest and grown up conversations about my dislike of the beard (which he has known for a long time since before he had the beard) and that I think he should lose weight, he has done neither of those things, so what am I supposed to do?

And yes, I do make a considerable effort with my weight and appearance. Your post resonated with me - I think my husband doesn’t seem to think that I need to find him attractive. It’s like we are married and that’s good enough - or at least that’s what it feeels like.

I’m 44 and enjoy it once me and DH get going but the urge to actually do it went a couple of years ago.
I have sex around twice a week and make sure I initiate it every now and then, just because I’m aware if I didn’t we’d probably end in divorce and I don’t want that.
I am aware that what I’ve wrote is not great, but it’s the truth.

This is one of the nicer things I have read on MN.

I think this is spot on, and a significant part of the problem. Men are often the cause of their own problems…

I also feel that years of hormone based contraceptives have something to answer for, with men generally not taking any responsibility for that side of things.

I need to make a better effort. I had a run of bad utis and it was the last thing I wanted.. on vagifem now. Im 53

Lots of men are completely useless in bed and to make it worse you can’t be honest with them about it. My DH knows what he’s doing but I remember with an ex years ago.. He’d spend 10 minutes rubbing my inner thigh and then exclaim, did you cum.. Erm noooo!
They all spout, be honest and tell me where I’m going wrong and the second you do you don’t hear the bloody end of it for all the boo hooing that creates, ridiculous.

Read the whole thread