Sex, middle aged. Can’t be bothered.

[HollyIvy89]

Am 45. Am likely peri menopause
I am just not fussed for sex. I also can not abide being groped or stroked lol
I can get into sex once we get going but I feel annoyed about the expectation that the kids aren’t here so we will get going. I hate waking up to someone’s hand wandering my way.
I don’t live with my partner but he stays a few times a week and really do enjoy my own space but love his company, hanging out and totally fancy him. But I can take or leave sex.
My life if full on and very stressful with issues with my teen so quite often I am really not in the mood.
is this all normal at this age? Do men just expect more than a Middle Aged mom can muster enthusiasm for.
how do I deal with not making him feel unwanted

A lot of this sounds familiar. If a bloke knows his wife is struggling with libido, making sure he's showered, manscaped, nails clipped, teeth cleaned, would give him a better opportunity. But if she's not keen, and he slides into bed a bit sweaty and less than fresh, I'm afraid he's really partly of the problem. (Been there with 2 of my exes.)

I'm not saying he's totally to blame. But you're more likely to get lucky if you've made an effort.

I'm 48 and still want sex regularly, at least a few times a week if not more but realistically its a couple of times a week most weeks. Been with my husband for 30 years now. I'm curious if the women here who are no longer interested might be interested in someone other than their DP or if its just sex with anyone they aren't interested in? Do you find other men sexually appealing?

For me it’s sex in general. The whole idea of it gives me the complete ick now. Not remotely attracted to anyone else. Just like my own space, my own body and I don’t want anyone else being that close to me.

So

Having declared that sex is going to be on an infrequent (and presumably unpredictable) basis (once a month? If he's been a good boy? I saw once a quarter mentioned earlier), your husband is nevertheless still expected to keep his junk immaculately manscaped at all times, ready there for you just in case you decide tonight is going to be the night.

Was on Gransnet lately reading about them complain about lack of sex in their 70s!

It was a surprise.

Grateful to this thread for making me feel more normal

I strongly detest your accusation of using language that promotes rape. Don't twist my words into something I did not say or mean at all. If you don't understand what I have written, that's not my problem but don't go making such strong statements about others. And stop being patronising and teaching me about consent.

You ask how to deal with him feeling unwanted. There is absolutely no requirement for you to force yourself to be intimate with this man. I think he sounds like a great friend and support system to you, and will understand when you tell him how much you value your platonic relationship, and that you would like it to continue in that vein.

That is all fair enough, i agree no on is 'owed sex', but in that case OP should accept that her partner will very probably and not unreasonably look elsewhere.
I'm in my mid 50s and been married for almost 25 years and if my dh announced sex was off the table I would find it very, very difficult to cope with. I love my dh very much but in this scenario if sex was offered by someone I found attractive I'm not 100% sure I could resist.

I do think it’s important to acknowledge that it isn’t all women though. All I ever read is about women over 40 losing their sex drive. That hasn’t happened to me. And the same for men, some men lose their sex drive in middle age and that isn’t acknowledged either. I think sweeping generalisations on either side is unhelpful.

I do think there must more complex things at play than hormones or age, otherwise it would be more universal.

100% agree. This is precisely why I advocate for OP to be frank with him so that he can make an informed decision about where to invest his emotional capital. OP is currently framing her relationship intentions to him as romantic when her intentions are actually platonic. It's breadcrumming.

"If you've respectfully and kindly discussed your wish for more sex with the lower libido partner and nothing really changes, you have 2 choices: accept it, or leave. Anything else is coercive."

Why should it be the higher libido partner who leaves? It's the other partner who has changed their behaviour.

Why not say "separate"? You seem motivated to blame/shame the person who wants to continue having sex.

This would obviously be a kind thing to do. But kindness isn't really a priority.

I think that in most cases, people who "can't be bothered" having sex with their spouses are basically quiet-quitting their marriages, and don't want to admit the truth, which is along the lines of "I don't love you (any more - ??), but I can't be bothered dealing with the fallout and logistics of actually getting divorced".

This "breadcrumbing", as you so accurately describe it, helps neither partner. Rare and infrequent sex, which the low-libido partner dreads, and wants to get done with a minimum of fuss, heaving a sigh of relief when it's over, and the clock has been reset on how long it's been since the last time.

The high-libido partner is thankful for getting anything at all, and therefore sees a glimmer of hope that the relationship is perhaps not all that bad and might improve in future, but confused as to why there is again no interest whatsoever for weeks/months afterwards.

I totally went off sex in my marriage. But it was a reflection of the fact that I didn't love or even much like my ex husband anymore.

As soon as I was free, I had a lot of fun NSA sex and am now in a LTR with a lovely guy. We have a lot of fabulous sex. I'm mid 50s. So for me, the drop in libido was due to the person.

letshearitfortheboy I really hope you're not suggesting that all women (or men for that matter) that experience a complete or partial drop in their sex drive as having a 'can't be bothered' attitude? That is seriously gaslighting people.

It's entirely possible, for somebody to go from having a very high libido to having a non existent one purely because of their hormones. From your POV, I assume you've never had the misfortune to experience a hormonal drop in libido so can't relate?

Omg I just posted a similar post!!!
I wish I knew how to make him feel wanted too so will be following this

That is such a lovely post. You’re wife is a very lucky person

44, and also can't be arsed. On HRT and asked GP for testosterone as it's not fair on DH and I still fancy him but just have no desire.

Had my best sex in my 40s, now just can't be arsed. I'm done and dont miss it.

Your gentle wisdom literally made
my day Sir. Thank you.

I think this is a biggie - in my case when I was late 40s it wasn’t a matter of couldn’t be arsed, sex actually made me recoil, I just suddenly hated the whole thing, it was a ginormous case of the ick and wouldn’t have mattered who it was, it wasn’t the person or not being arsed. It was the actual act ( or acts) and I didn’t find it remotely pleasurable anymore

No I don’t want sex with anyone. I’m 60 and have not wanted sex for 12 months. I feel sad about it but the thought of it makes me fell ill. Almost the same reaction as a 10 year old would have! That’s how I explained it to dh. He’s been and still is extremely understanding but I’m under no illusions that one day he may decide he doesn’t want a sexless marriage. We still hold hands, hug etc etc.
I am on HRT but am unwilling to look into other things, after decades of periods, 2 pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, an horrendous perimenopause, I’m done with anything to do with my vagina!!

I agree, a lovely post.

Yep I’m exactly the same.

At no point did I suggest it was all women.

If you'd read the comments I was replying to, you'd see that this was a direct response to their doubting or blaming.

My point is, none of us choose it. As with eg PND, it is a hormone driven lottery that some of us suffer and some of us don't.

I lost interest at about 39, which was 12 years ago.
DH has been kind, caring and patient, but in the last year I think he has finally checked out.
I can tell he doesn't love me the same and I'm sure that's the main reason.