Sex, middle aged. Can’t be bothered.

[HollyIvy89]

Am 45. Am likely peri menopause
I am just not fussed for sex. I also can not abide being groped or stroked lol
I can get into sex once we get going but I feel annoyed about the expectation that the kids aren’t here so we will get going. I hate waking up to someone’s hand wandering my way.
I don’t live with my partner but he stays a few times a week and really do enjoy my own space but love his company, hanging out and totally fancy him. But I can take or leave sex.
My life if full on and very stressful with issues with my teen so quite often I am really not in the mood.
is this all normal at this age? Do men just expect more than a Middle Aged mom can muster enthusiasm for.
how do I deal with not making him feel unwanted

Op says they don’t like physical intimacy at all. They’d rather not hug. Hand holding is as much as they are wanting.

@FieryA @ForTipsyFinch
Both of these are good and valid points.

Though I will say there is a lot more to a relationship than sex.

My wife is perimenopause and her drive has gone. From almost insatiable to nothing very quickly and that is fine.
The last thing I want is for her to feel like she has to do something and I would absolutly hate being with her if she doesnt want it too.

The single most important thing is communication. And from my side that was really difficult to do in a way that puts zero pressure on her. We managed it though and talk about it when needed. I know one day it may or may not return. For now snuggling and talking about our days, whats going on in the world. Where we can go. Sharing troubles and going on fun dates are what makes our relationship work just as well.

Deciding on friendship or relationship is a big thing too. My wife is my best friend so until anything changes. That is our relationship. She is who I want with me always for everything. And together we can overcome anything. We have overcome a lot so perimenopause is just another challenge for us to face together and figure out the best way through it for both of us. If that means no wandering hands or pressure then thats the least I can do as i'm not experiencing even a small percent of what she is going through.

I assumed she meant no touching with the expectation of sex, rightly or wrongly. No touching at all, then my answer doesn’t fit. It was just loose advice from a randomer on the internet, not instruction, she can use it if she wants.

I actually think this is a lot more normal than we think it is, people just don’t openly talk about it. We’re made to think everyone is having sex and wanting sex all the time but for a huge proportion of women their bodies have been battered and bruised by childbirth and menopause and whatever else and sex feels like another chore / thing to do. I don’t want my body being messed about with anymore. I’ve had a lot of sex in my life and I’m bored of it now (I am 45). HRT makes no difference to me because it’s how I feel in my head. It’s like a switch has gone off and I’ve got zero interest now, coupled with a lot of bladder and bowel issues which make it uncomfortable. Would rather go to bed and read a book. Been married nearly 20 years and dh is thankfully understanding but we did have a thing a few years back where I said look I just don’t want sex anymore and you’re welcome to divorce me / find someone else (and I really meant that) but he’s decided to stay and accept it and we’re happy with that but I would literally rather be on my own otherwise.

Would you consider an open relationship?

In my experience stress is a huge libido killer OP as well as awful to live with and bad for your health.
Maybe you should concentrate on how to better handle the stresses in your life as a first step as that can only be a good thing.

I'm not sure that's true, certainly not for me. I often feel horny and I'm female. In fact I wouldn't be wanting to have sex if I didn't feel horny.

Thank you for sharing this

I think its a very different case between a decades long marriage and a shorter term partner you don't even live with. It sounds like OP is in the latter camp.

I'm female, in my 50s, and havent had the long marriage. If I had a partner I was "dating" and we weren't together all the time, then yes I would probably want/expect sex at the times we are alone together. If I didn't then tbh I would be questioning the whole relationship. Equally I wouldn't stay with someone who wasn't interested in sex. It's a young age to say right that part of my life is over.

Been celibate over four years now aged 41 and honestly I'm just not bothered. I kind of see it like running. I have to REALLY be in the mood, which isn't very often and even when I am I've had enough after five minutes!

Yep- just another chore

Late 40s here.
Sex improve for me after DH stopped his porn addiction. & started focusing on what I wanted/needed. I would like more sex but 3x a week is about all we can squeeze in around work/sleep/kids.

I don’t understand how “totally fancying” someone is compatible with not wanting to have sex with them.

I’m 30, single mum and cba

Because it’s just another chore regardless.

41 here, i coukdnt be without it. Apart from the pleasure I love the feeling of closeness and connection I get.
We do it daily, if not twice a day.
2 young kids, busy lives, jobs, house etc. Sex makes me less stressed 🤣
I think it helps my partner is very helpful around the house, hands on with the kids, very affectionate at all times, complimentary, cheeky we still flirt etc. I cant get enough of him

Speak for yourself.

I feel the same, at 34. With a toddler and a baby I just want to sleep!

However I do think it’s important to maintain that intimacy in our relationship and I do enjoy it once we’ve started. It helps me to arrange to do it the day before so I’m in the right frame of mind when we get into bed.

I’m 64 and we had the same conversation 5 years ago-i feel identically as you do - I wasn’t helped by finding out by accident an old emotional affair of his 12 years before - and a big ongoing online hardcore porn habit ( virtually daily) — it kind of killed that aspect of our relationship mentally stone dead for me - I like him, I care about him, I just don’t want a physical relationship anymore and I made all that very clear

I need to give more I hear. It does feel like a chore like some of you feel. I think that is because I feel so stressed and busy and always on edge waiting for the next disaster with the kids. He knows how hard the kids are. He cares very much about it all. He is most definitely a touchy person and I am just not. I do not think I can change that. I do not think it means we are incompatible. His last relationship didn’t work and they were both touchy.

"it's really unfair on your partner, if he does still want it. "

"unfair" - this is rapey language.

NO ONE OWES ANYONE SEX.

No matter whether you're married, had sex thousands of times, or because you really really really want it.

Sex should be given freely and enthusiastically. Otherwise it's unwanted consensual sex at best (and that is very psychologically damaging over the long run) and coercive rape at worst.

If you've respectfully and kindly discussed your wish for more sex with the lower libido partner and nothing really changes, you have 2 choices: accept it, or leave. Anything else is coercive.

I’m 35 and I only feel in the mood about once or twice a month!!

Im 45, a woman in a heterosexual relationship, and it’s him with the low/nonexistent sex drive. I’d do it all the time if I could. I don’t thinks it’s necessarily an age thing. Lots of my friends who are completely off it now, had very low sex drives in their 20s and 30s.

It makes me really sad, I love him so much and otherwise we are perfect for each other. It makes me feel undesired, unloved, not cared for ☹️

Thanks, I will. It’s a chore.

Empathy doesn't cost anyone a penny.

Pray you don't wake up in a few years feeling the same because believe me, it hits you out of the blue and it's nothing to do with our partners.

We are all slaves to our hormones. Like it or not.