Husband has to copy everything I do

[stopcopyingmeplease]

Husband has annoying behaviour. He's quite competitive and if I happen to say I'm going to do something he has to tell me all about the time he did the exact same thing.

For example, if I sit down at the piano and have a bit of a tinkle, he'll get his guitar out and start to play stuff. We're both very poor at playing, it's not a serious endeavour.

I wanted to relax, so I set up some acrylic paints and painted a small picture. It's not very good, but it was relaxing to do and I was proud of it in my own way. He then brings one of his past paintings down and starts telling me all about it 🙄

All I want to do is have a go at a couple of hobbies and yet there he is, trying to compete with me. It's stupid and pointless. I feel like it's not worth doing stuff as I have to tolerate his tedious thoughts about whatever it is. He's also quite bossy and will try to tell me what to do and how to do it. I'm nearly 60.

He also copies me if I have a cold, headache, am tired, have a sore leg etc. I don't tell him things, but sometimes something might be revealed then he's on it. He's also a massive martyr and gets butthurt and huffy over things. It's exhausting.

I can't, I love my little house and garden too much. I have three cats.

So what if he copies you? If you want to paint, paint. Why let him put you off?

I'm not sure ill-health is the best reason to stay - is he actually looking after you?

I have been doing more things by myself lately. He moaned he was in pain overnight and used to get out of bed and sleep on the floor like a martyr so I moved into the back bedroom.

That's pretty awful. He's trying to connect and you don't even like him but don't want to leave because you're getting older and have health problems. Leave him. He may end up leaving you anyway so why waste any more time living like this.

I get tired of listening to him droning about how I should do things and then him showing me his stuff. I don't know what I can say. It's boring and pointless. I've seen it and heard it all before. He doesn't look after me but I'm not moving into some miserable flat with no garden or my cats. I'll just have to try and zone him out.

I don't believe people should try and connect using such a miserable method. It's soul destroying.

Another take ? You’re encouraging him to try new things too?

What hobbies do you do out of the home? Perhaps book something new you can go to on your own?

Yes he can do new things. Me and ds encourage him. He's older than me. He does do the odd thing.

It just seems like a miserable way to live your life, pretty much hating the man you live with.

What if he deteriorates health-wise, are you going to be his carer, despising him all the while?

You've got another couple of decades in front of you, have you seriously looked at what options you might have if you sold up and split up?

Then get a nice flat with a garden and keep your cats 🤷‍♀️. Why does in need to be “miserable”

it sounds miserable living with a bloke who annoys you, you don’t like and spend time and effort avoiding. For both of you.

he’s not caring for you so what do you lose.

or suggest he moves into a nice little bachelor pad.

is it really worth spending the next 20 years making each other miserable?

He sounds awful, OP. Can't you encourage him to go and meet other people e.g. by playing golf or something? It's going to be a really long retirement otherwise.

Could you try copying him when he does stuff and be super annoying about it? To be honest though that sounds like a faff. Can you shut yourself away?

If you've started to separate physically in the house,what is it stop him putting in for divorce? Esp as it sounds like he might be more settled without you.

The situation sounds bleak. I'd start getting ducks in a row as I couldn't face potentially 30 odd years or so of it getting worse.

I don't want to do any other hobbies. I can't socialise as I'm autistic. I can't join any groups or anything. I used to paint pots and pebbles and he didn't bother me then either. Perhaps pictures are more than he can cope with.

Stand up, give him a round of applause and reassure him that he is indeed so much better than you could ever hope to be.

This is what I do. Constantly reassure him. It's like having a small child producing fridge pictures. I've done all that I don't want to keep doing it.

This! I feel your pain though. My STBXH is the same with illnesses, even when I had morning sickness. It’s attention seeking behaviour for him

You're crazy to stay. Why have you decided you can only have your cats and a garden with him?

He sounds both competitive and desperately seeking validation.

I think the sticker chart with some gold stars is the way.

I'd validate him cleaning the bathroom and does he cook? Set him onto learning how to cook your favorite cuisine.

I don't think the problem lies with sharing a joint hobby so much as his one-upmanship every time the OP tries something new. He always has to go one better. Ditto the competitive illness thing.

are you both retired?

This smacks of two people spending way too much time together!!

Noise-cancelling headphones? 🤔

I think you're the problem here, not him. You sound very unkind, and you're just using him. If you don't want a relationship with him, just be honest and end it. Let him find someone who loves him and wants to do things with him.

How long married? Can’t imagine your kids enjoy visiting. Must be able to cut the tension with a knife

Why not encourage HIM to join the local U3A. It is for anyone not in full time employment. Lots of self help interest groups, outings, discussions etc depending on your area. If he doesn't drive there might be some groups within walking distance or bus routes.

To find out just put U3A and your town name in your search bar.