Husband has to copy everything I do

[stopcopyingmeplease]

Husband has annoying behaviour. He's quite competitive and if I happen to say I'm going to do something he has to tell me all about the time he did the exact same thing.

For example, if I sit down at the piano and have a bit of a tinkle, he'll get his guitar out and start to play stuff. We're both very poor at playing, it's not a serious endeavour.

I wanted to relax, so I set up some acrylic paints and painted a small picture. It's not very good, but it was relaxing to do and I was proud of it in my own way. He then brings one of his past paintings down and starts telling me all about it 🙄

All I want to do is have a go at a couple of hobbies and yet there he is, trying to compete with me. It's stupid and pointless. I feel like it's not worth doing stuff as I have to tolerate his tedious thoughts about whatever it is. He's also quite bossy and will try to tell me what to do and how to do it. I'm nearly 60.

He also copies me if I have a cold, headache, am tired, have a sore leg etc. I don't tell him things, but sometimes something might be revealed then he's on it. He's also a massive martyr and gets butthurt and huffy over things. It's exhausting.

Love this idea. Also, the headache story made me laugh. Bravo @changedusernameforthis1

But she’s not going to. She’s just going to live in misery, continuing to pour scorn on him, until the day one of them dies. What a miserable way to spend one’s precious years on earth.

So true sometimes its like they kinda get a kick out of it.
No point in commenting on some threads like this.

I'm keen on Transactional Analysis. This thread's a fantastic illustration of the most famous Game People Play, Why don't you .. Yes, But!

https://ericberne.com/games-people-play/why-dont-you-yes-but/

You're getting something out of this, OP. Perhaps you want validation of your personal image of yourself as Saint Patience, stoically putting up with a clingy yet unappreciative husband. However have you coped with this for decades of miserable married life? You deserve a plaque or something!

.... And you can't conceive of living without this self-imposed role, can you.

I wonder which game the pair of you are playing between you? The same dysfunctional behaviour enacted month in, month out, year after year, is definitely a 'Game' that serves both your maladapted needs.

You could give this a bit of thought - you could even get H involved, one-up each other for useful insights into the way your marriage works and whether you'd wish to change it.

I don't suppose you will.

Exactly

imagine what a family Christmas looks like in this house??

None of my responses are deliberately antagonistic or even slightly nasty. Perhaps I just see things in a different light and have a different opinion. And no, I haven’t been socialised to look and say “awww poor men”. I’m a survivor of child SA and lived with an abusive controlling male parent. I’m aware of what men can be capable of all too well and generally tend to be more sceptical of the male. It’s OPs blatant coldness and the obvious disdain for her husband that makes me think there’s more than one side here. Her husband may well be a pain in the arse or socially inept but at least he doesn’t seem cruel and cold. It’s not a black and white.
Whatever is going on isn’t healthy for either and the marriage needs to end.

@GarlicFind You'd be better off getting some of the other posters on the thread to do that.😂

🙂Don't worry, it wasn't you I was thinking of. xx

^This.

What a tragedy of a life to want to continue living with someone you don't even like.

Just get a huge headset. Makes it clear you aren't listening to him.
And keep up with the traditionally woman hobbies.. Crochet the fucker a noose...

Why should anyone have to live like this though? Both him and her.

if dh got himself a huge headset and made it clear he wasn’t listening to me, I’d be telling him to leave.

she shouldn’t hate the person she’s married too so much she needs a huge headset so she cannot hear him.

it sounds like a thoroughly miserable situation all round.

i know o/p has said she can’t afford to leave, but she’s probably better getting out in front of it. If he decides he’s had enough and leaves, she could be left in the shit with bills to pay and have to sell the house anyway.

You Don’t even like him so time to call it a day. You sound like you are adding nothing to each others life. Probably be happy on your own.

Apparently there are ballet lessons for older ladies, Silver Swans. How would he look in a tutu?

To be brutally honest, the main impression I get from your post is that you despise him. I doubt there’s anything he could do that you would react well to, at this point.

I do think he probably really is just trying to find common ground with you. But you don’t actually want to have any common ground with him because you don’t like him and are only still in the relationship because you’re ’not in the best of health’ and presumably relying on him for support of some kind.

OH does this and even comments on others efforts - EVEN WHEN HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA - so I just take the piss now and laugh out loud - Oh you must have learned that when you did your art degree, whilst you were doing your medical degree and playing in the philharmonic orchestra or something?

And then we both have a good laugh and he shuts up 😂

I think you need to have a straightforward, honest conversation with him if you haven’t already. Not as a reaction to him copying in you in the moment, but at a time when you are both relaxed and can discuss it properly.
‘OH, I’m finding it really irritating and draining when you feel the need to copy everything I do. When I play the piano, you get out the guitar. When I paint, you paint. I need to be able to have hobbies to enjoy on my own. Please respect that and my need for space or this is going to continue to be a big problem for me’.

The marriage sounds pretty much dead if you say you don’t even like him. And no wonder- he sounds like a big baby; needy and annoying beyond measure. But I do get why you don’t feel you can leave.
Is there a shared interest you can find together or an existing activity you do together that you could spend a little more time on? Maybe walking, or gardening, or similar? It’s difficult though if he is craving connection and you are already checked out.

Same here, OP. I had therapy for depression and stress a couple of years ago and, as a result, decided I needed hobbies outside work so that my identity wouldn’t be shaped entirely by my job. There were three different things that I decided to do and my husband decided he would do all of them with me. I’ve given up now. I just wanted something that I could have to myself rather than having to be with and consider other people all the time.

Do you do anything fun together? It sounds like you have very "elderly" hobbies despite only being 60. You could go out for a boozy brunch? You could book a holiday somewhere exotic? Go on a pub crawl? I am only 3.5 years younger than you and couldn't imagine crocheting!

Read all the OP’s posts.

This couple won’t have had “fun together” probably since their first couple of dates decades ago.

It’s really frustrating. I like DH most of the time but he has some really intrusive ways that wind me up.
I short circuit most of it now with- …’and no, I don’t want to hear about your painting.’

I just very plainly state what I see.
‘Why have you turned off the oven while I’m cooking?’
Why are you having a rest/taking paracetamol/going to bed early? You aren’t tired/ill!

I’m fairly sure he’s autistic and is doing his version of empathy, but it’s really annoying. I try and do some cooking/gardening or whatever and he joins in- or rather interferes. It then becomes necessary to micromanage him instead of just quietly getting on with it.

He just retired and I’m staying on so he has to set up his own routines without dragging me into it. Otherwise he’d be leaning over my shoulder the whole time. He literally stirs pans I’m cooking with, and turns them off if he thinks it’s done. Infuriating.

We can all read the OP's posts. The same cannot be said for all of yours.

I just very plainly state what I see.
‘Why have you turned off the oven while I’m cooking?’
Why are you having a rest/taking paracetamol/going to bed early? You aren’t tired/ill!

your husband can rest, take a paracetamol or go to bed early if he damn well feels like it @PrizedPickledPopcorn !!