Husband has to copy everything I do

[stopcopyingmeplease]

Husband has annoying behaviour. He's quite competitive and if I happen to say I'm going to do something he has to tell me all about the time he did the exact same thing.

For example, if I sit down at the piano and have a bit of a tinkle, he'll get his guitar out and start to play stuff. We're both very poor at playing, it's not a serious endeavour.

I wanted to relax, so I set up some acrylic paints and painted a small picture. It's not very good, but it was relaxing to do and I was proud of it in my own way. He then brings one of his past paintings down and starts telling me all about it 🙄

All I want to do is have a go at a couple of hobbies and yet there he is, trying to compete with me. It's stupid and pointless. I feel like it's not worth doing stuff as I have to tolerate his tedious thoughts about whatever it is. He's also quite bossy and will try to tell me what to do and how to do it. I'm nearly 60.

He also copies me if I have a cold, headache, am tired, have a sore leg etc. I don't tell him things, but sometimes something might be revealed then he's on it. He's also a massive martyr and gets butthurt and huffy over things. It's exhausting.

Is it possible he's neurodiverse? It's very possible that he is trying to do it to connect with you. I do it all the time with people I love and care about. I don't do it to show off or compare, I do it to try to relate the person and what they're doing though I do appreciate it can be annoying for people!

What does he have when you have period pain?

Have you tried telling him the response you want instead?

Along the lines of - When he brings out his picture say “[DH], can you not just take time appreciate what I’ve done and not boast about your own endeavors all the time? I know you painted that, you’ve shown it to me dozens of times. This is a new thing I’ve done, give me a fraction of the time and appreciation I’ve given you over the years.”

He does sound intensely irritating.

Why are people calling the OP unkind and feeling sorry for the husband? He plays elevenerife when she's ill and rushes over to insert himself if he sees she's enjoying something. The more she posts the less convinced I am that it's a need to connect. That would be asking to see what she's painting or suggesting they paint their own things next to one another. What he actually does is go and source one of his old paintings to show her for the 20th time. Is no-one finding that odd?! I wouldn't like him either!

Erm yes, what did he do to deserve this. Why didn't the OP go through with the divorce when it was originally mooted.

It must be a miserable life for both.

Noise cancelling ear buds?

Because she clearly doesn’t like him, and is only staying because she needs him to support her.

if she’s that unhappy and dislikes him to the point she doesn’t even tolerate him, but actively ignores him and wishes he wasn’t there, she should do them both a favour and end it.

yes he might be an arse, but she’s no better using him so she can keep her home comforts.

o/p is not even 60, another 20 years of this?

they have a piano to “tinkle” on despite neither really playing. That doesn’t really conjure up a breadline lifestyle- if you have a piano you aren’t living in a 2 bed terrace in Hull, are you?

they should sell the piano and the house, and separate. No one should have to live like that.

I think you're being a bit disingenuous, it's not unusual for couples to stay together for these reasons. He already knows she wants to separate, she made that clear in the past and he dug his heels in. From his behaviour he doesn't like her either, but he clearly wants things to stay as they are, so I'm not sure why you're painting him as hard done by.

I also don't think owning a piano that you like to tinker on means you have abundant funds for your ideal property.

Oh dear god, the replies telling OP he's just trying to connect 🙄
Adults don't connect with their partner by being competitive with them, or acting like a 7 year old going "I can do that too mummy! Look at my painting!" (that they've shown you 100 times before).

If my husband was doing a painting, the last thing I'd feel the need to do would be to go and get a painting of my own to show him and make it all about me. If he was making music I'd only join in if he invited me to. If he appeared less than thrilled about me trying to join in with something he was doing I'd take the hint and leave him to it, not get stroppy. And DH would be the same with me.

@stopcopyingmeplease The only thing left for you to do is actually get angry and tell him to pack it in. Unfortunately it's unlikely to stop him doing it or getting stroppy, but it might cut short his look-at--me performance each time.

There's one or two people on this thread who appear to be enjoying themselves by being deliberately antagonistic and needling towards the OP.

Nasty.

God help you OP, you have the patience of a saint.
Set up your bedroom to be your space, and protect it firmly.
Remove any unnecessary furniture to give you extra space if possible.
Look carefully at things he cannot share.

Or

brace yourself

we disagree with your view and think the op is being unpleasant

My mother has a friend who’s husband does this and he actually did take up knitting when the friend started to learn!
Also, my ex husband used to copy everything I did too, even to the extent of telling our kids about his future funeral plans which happened to match mine🙄

No, I'll stick with the theory that some replies are from posters whose hobby is being deliberately contrary for the sake of it.

Fair enough but got anything to actually add?

This is so so sad! You may be autistic but it’s no excuse to be unkind. I feel sorry for your husband, desperate for some connection and attention. It must be awful for your kids to see this as well regardless of their age. Why did you fall in love with him? What effort do you put into your marriage? What do you enjoy doing together? Do you go away together, cook, walk, sing in a choir, do other community stuff, jigsaws whatever? Why not try this kind of thing and find the fun again.

It sounds like a miserable life.

Ds2 has noticed he does it (he does it with him too) and sometimes we commiserate with each other.

How are you keeping it hidden then?

I already posted upthread. I also managed to read those posts of yours before MNHQ deleted them.
😂

There's been a pattern of this on a lot of recent threads.

Hopefully the bored, goady posters return to school soon.

Be direct OP. Don't appease the behaviour or sacrifice doing what you wish. Next time he talks about his painting tell him straight "zzzzz, I've heard that hundreds of times before, play us a new tune".

Start ballet lessons?

Honestly when can we stop feeling sorry for these poor men who can’t seem to figure out how to interact with their partners without trying to take over and make it all about them? Why are some posters not seeing that? Maybe OP you will have to be more blunt with him so he gets it. You sound very patient so far but you deserve to keep insisting on how you want someone to interact with you. For example “you don’t need to show me how to do xyz, I’m happy learning how to do it my own way.” (or similar) … And you say it every single time.

The OP sounds like she utterly despises her husband, and has completely checked out of the marriage. At least he's still trying. If you hate him that much, for the love of god split up. This cannot be healthy for either of you.

He's also quite bossy and will try to tell me what to do and how to do it. I'm nearly 60.
He also copies me if I have a cold, headache, am tired, have a sore leg etc. I don't tell him things, but sometimes something might be revealed then he's on it. He's also a massive martyr and gets butthurt and huffy over things. It's exhausting

This kind of person will never really be part of a team. Not even with their own spouse. They are on their own side and everyone is a potential competitor and a threat to their fragile ego.

Some people will see your post and think 'awww', he's just trying to join in, but come on. You must have been together many years and I trust you know him by now. I also wasn't remotely surprised when you mentioned that he copies whatever's wrong with your health.

This competitive, covertly narcissist character type can't stand that someone else might deserve some attention, might be deserving of more sympathy that they do.

Just like a bossy, entitled child with sharp elbows, they will elbow their way past someone else to ensure they get the biggest piece of the pie, because that's how they view attention and sympathy you see - just a like a pie, they view it as a finite resource, and if they have to wrestle the biggest piece away from their own wife, they will do that.

This.

It's because some people just aren't very bright, quite frankly, but mostly because so many women are socilaised to look at mean-spirited or dysfunctional male behaviour and go 'Awwww - bless him', as if they're little toddlers, rather than treating them like the adult males that they are.