Husband has to copy everything I do

[stopcopyingmeplease]

Husband has annoying behaviour. He's quite competitive and if I happen to say I'm going to do something he has to tell me all about the time he did the exact same thing.

For example, if I sit down at the piano and have a bit of a tinkle, he'll get his guitar out and start to play stuff. We're both very poor at playing, it's not a serious endeavour.

I wanted to relax, so I set up some acrylic paints and painted a small picture. It's not very good, but it was relaxing to do and I was proud of it in my own way. He then brings one of his past paintings down and starts telling me all about it 🙄

All I want to do is have a go at a couple of hobbies and yet there he is, trying to compete with me. It's stupid and pointless. I feel like it's not worth doing stuff as I have to tolerate his tedious thoughts about whatever it is. He's also quite bossy and will try to tell me what to do and how to do it. I'm nearly 60.

He also copies me if I have a cold, headache, am tired, have a sore leg etc. I don't tell him things, but sometimes something might be revealed then he's on it. He's also a massive martyr and gets butthurt and huffy over things. It's exhausting.

@EarthSight great posts among others here.
Spare me the "poor little man" posts that make MN so irritating at times.

He like many men is fixated on his wants and needs being met, and it gets worse as they age.

Constantly sticking their nose into what you are doing.

I had to walk away several times whilst cooking and say "fine, you finish the cooking" and stick to it, for the penny to drop.

He wouldn't tolerate me sticking my nose into his business mid task for a minute.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn

Your husband has joined the thread. You were saying? 🙄

Of course he can, @Posner, and when he’s ill I strongly encourage him to. He tends not to look after himself when ill, so I remind him to take medication, make sure he has drinks/food as needed.

When I’m ill and he isn’t, I don’t want him taking to bed or sighing and groaning every time he moves. I want him to carry on as usual, or indeed to look after me when I need it. If I’m ill, he doesn’t need to rest and recover!

He isn’t well attuned to his needs, tends to hurt his back or think he’s ill when there’s a special occasion or change to his routine on the cards.
If I remind him that he’s probably a bit nervous, he generally realises he isn’t ill.
He also always thinks he’s ill if I am, and I have to point out that he isn’t. Doesn’t have any symptoms. Nothing wrong with you.

On holiday we were very very active in the days, right at the edge of my ability to keep up. At the end of the day I’d be absolutely shattered and aching. He’d groan about how tired he was and how much his feet hurt…. then use the stairs instead of the lift to keep his step count up. Meanwhile I was wondering if I’d make it to our room. Bloody annoying. And really isolating for me who genuinely wondered if I’d be able to stand up/walk/make it as far as the room.

You are being very persistent in your assertions that the OP is in the wrong.

Why is that?

There is no right or wrong

A very unhappy marriage. Has been for years. Profoundly rotten to the core.

I don't think he looks at it that way, that he's trying to compete. I think he's just trying to join you not realising that you may just want some lone time now and then.

Good grief he sounds infuriating!

Every time he tries to show off yet again about the same old things how about saying “who’s a clever boy?!” and laughing. Let him huff all he likes.

And every time he spoils something you are doing stop immediately and say “I was enjoying that by myself. I guess that’s over” and walk off.

I'd go to a class, learn the creative hobby of your choice, make new friends and tell him youre doung something he cant join. Maybe you're volunteering at a women's litter picking group to clean up the canal, or at the local women's refuge, address kept secret. ( you can donate to them to calm your conscience!) And tell him about the Men's Shed project for him to meet some male pals too.

But why does it matter so much to you?

My Dad is like this. When my brother had a child (the first grandchild, who was clearly the center of attention when my brother and his wife first returned from the hospital), he was playing around loudly, making lots of comments, on his new iPad, as if his iPad downloading was just as worthy of attention as a brand-new baby.
He can't stand anyone's attention (and especially my mum's) being on anything else but him.

Why waste the rest of your life with someone you don't like?

God, my ex husband used to do shit like this. If I had a headache he had a migraine, if I was a bit down he'd be in the worst depression ever. He even tried to hijack my grief when my brother died.

OP sounds pretty awful too, as she has said she doesn’t like him but stays for financial reasons.
She’s got 2 choices, and we know which one she’s going to choose.

I remember a long time ago when my dad retired my mum found him underfoot around the house. He was generally in front of the tv watching it at high volume or yelling at the rest of the household to relieve his stress. He was so utterly miserable and even 30 years later he is still the same.

I haven't read all the comments, maybe I should, my situation is the same as yours! I am 10 years oldervthan you, nearly 70, as is husband, and he is exactly the same as your husband. He is an absolute pain in the arse, has to be the centre of attention. When we are out he is, he thinks, a charming raconteur, actually he is boring as hell, and I can see his trapped listeners shifting in their seats. In the past I tried to get him to shut up, but now I just to wander off. I tell myself God sent the listeners along to give me a break, and it's their fault if they started to talk to him. At home, he is better than me at everything. So, I have stopped loading the dishwasher and vacuuming. The windows need cleaning, and when he mentions it, I just say, "yes, it's on my list", but don't clean them. He dies his own washing a d I do mine. We have separate rooms, bliss. The worst thing is that he hasn't got a good word to say about anyone, he complains all the time, and also is far more seriously ill than anyone else. Just like your husband. Divorce is too much at my age, I'm not well either.
You have to find your own way. Don't tell him anything. Make arrangements to go out on your own, or with friends, get a hobby he cant copy, tune him out. I am sure there are thousands out there like you and I, we just have to find each other. Fortunately, most men die before their wives, I'm not sure mine will but who cares xx chin up mydear xx

Sounds like he is a knob and very immature at that and needs all the attention fior himself. You need more privacy

Stop sharing so much of yourself and get a couple of interests away from the house which he cant comment upon.

BUT DONT TELL HIM.

How did his manopause go? I'm guessing he had one while you had your menopause. 🙂 You could always get him to move out, you don't have to go anywhere.

I've got a friend like this, except he does the things I say I'd like to do before I have even done them.

I said I wanted to give paddle boarding a go, off he goes out, buys his paddleboard and waterways license and sends me pictures, I say I fancy a trip to the beach, off he goes sends a pic of an ice-cream at the sea front. It is insufferable and I have to give a wide berth and an information diet which is hard for you to do with your husband seen as you live with him.

Are you able to join any hobby clubs away from him or have friends over for a girls night of crafting, no men allowed sort of situation?

@stopcopyingmeplease My DH was like this. I'm autistic, he's ADHD / AuDHD. It drove me up the wall and nearly broke our marriage, along with his endless "helpful suggestions" too. It can be a neurodivergent way of trying to connect. Our lives improved after marriage counselling, him realising that we were actually two different people with different interests and different ways of doing things, and him developing his own interests and friendships too. We get on really well again now.
Good luck, I know it's exhausting!

Are you 95 years old and not okay with modern slang?

Why do people have to be so rude? What's wrong with addressing the topic instead of putting forward your strange linguistic preferences, beforehand?

OP - it sounds like he's trying to show you that you two have something in common. Is he clingy? Maybe doing your hobbies "off-site" would assist, as others have suggested, even though you really shouldn't have to resort to leaving your own home.

Have you said to him that you'd like to do these things on your own and just ignored his behaviour? Maybe he needs a little bit of training and maybe you need to be okay with making people uncomfortable when you claim your boundaries.

I think @ChangeAgainAgainAgain has a point, although not kindly put.

Has it ever occurred to you that your DH may have ASD? I ask because DH behaves similarly to your DH and he does. It isn't that he's competing, it's that he's seeing something he can join in with. If I start humming, he starts humming (a different tune!). If I do a jigsaw puzzle, he might join in.

I have ASD and ADHD and there are times that I feel completely suffocated by my family. It isn't their fault. My brain is so full of thoughts and lists of things that need doing, etc., that even a small question can feel like an overwhelming imposition. It's a warning sign to me that I need to reset.

This isn't good for either of you. You need to find a different way of dealing with it.

If you read a book, least he’ll read one in silence

When we had tests before IVF mine was keen to show me how much quicker his blood came out than mine. They’re weird when they are overly competitive.

Recently I started Duolingo chess - he joined me and I started getting notifications about how many matches he had played. I stopped playing soon after.

It's probably already occurred to you, but you could have a lot of fun with this friend. You could tell him that you:

Are going to learn how to snorkel / ride a unicycle / pole dance.

Have decided to buy a Harley Davidson motorbike.

Will be having a skull and crossbones tattooed on your left shoulderblade.

Are going to be sewing thousands of pearl buttons on your best outfit having discovered that you are descended from Cockney Pearly Kings and Queens.

Your next activity holiday will be brass rubbing in Canterbury Cathedral.

You love honey so much you are taking up bee-keeping and have ordered a beehive for your garden.