Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Also, replying to myself to add, his transactional calculated thinking - which is on neon-flashing display for all of us by this point - means that even if he wangles his way back in and keeps his promises for a time, you will never be sure that he won't leave you the minute the transaction becomes worth less to him. For example, if his kids are grown and he finds another woman who offers more of what he wants. Women are interchangeable service providers to this man.

This is not a man who deserves the personal investment of any woman.

You should be prepared for him to end your and your DS’s contact with his DC, possibly abruptly.

Love yourself more than you love him. This relationship was not serving you and you were being taken advantage of and in return you got scraps of attention here and there.

Want more for yourself and remember that this feeling will pass and you will have a better life.

You are missing the person that hasn’t been present by the sound of it for quite awhile.
Soon, being on your own with your DC will be your new ‘normal’ and you will thrive.
The open relationship suggestion is just a kick in the teeth and how can everything be shared when there is no equality?
Anyone who called me a cunt in an argument more than once wouldn’t get a chance to do it again…
I think remembering how it’s been recently, will give you the resolve to shake him off permanently, once the life admin has been dealt with.
You won’t grow old alone without family with just money, anyone who has been as nice as you about the whole thing will always have people that matter, take care x

I've silently read your threads and havent commented but just want to say.

It might hurt for a week or a month or even a year. But eventually you'll wake up one morning and it will just suddenly hit you how much more free you feel. How much more peace you have. How happier you are.

You only get one life and you should strive for happiness more than once every year.

He USED to make you happy. Now he only cares if hes happy. He doesnt care if youre happy or not but you do.

Being happy and single is better than being miserable with someone. It just takes time to mourn what you thought you had and experience what you can actually have.

💐

“Interchangeable service providers” 🎯 that’s exactly what I said to him. I can’t believe you’re already imagining replacing me with some other unknown nameless woman.

Op, the more you say/remember about him, the more vile he comes across. We all see it in your descriptions and in what you have told us about his responses and actions. This is not a good man. You are now in a position to have something good in your life.

He is not that something good.

This is it. I am mourning what I thought we had and what I wanted to have and what he used to be.

OP, How is your son?

Wooohoooo, welcome to the first day of your new life🍸💐

op thinking of you. it hurts like hell and beyond right now but it will get better. the best thing to do is to focus on getting him out of your life. sort the insurance, get his possessions out.

don't rely on him thinking about the kids seeing each other - get the party done with and then cut him off and block him. the type of bloke that calls you a cunt and who's instantly thinking about getting his dick wet elsewhere, is likely to be someone who will use his own kids to emotionally manipulate you. the sooner you can cut him off the better. for you and for your son.

Except he probably never was that person. Remember that - he wanted something from you. Once he got it he was done trying. Thats not real.

I think it’s interesting that his ex still thinks he ruined her life to such an extent he’s still paying child support years later at 50% residency. He did something to her too.

I think you’re actually mourning what you thought your life was. It’s awful and traumatising and sad but it wasn’t ever what you thought. I’m so terribly sorry but I’m so glad you have the opportunity for a whole new chapter. I really, really think he’s deeply unpleasant and quite cruel and you shouldn’t have him anywhere around you.

Panicky, sick to my stomach, yep, sounds exactly right. Thank you posting this again, it helps to read it again. I wanted him to be a different person, the one he was at the beginning. I thought that guy would reappear but he just slowly faded away.

Still at friends house, I’m going to get him now. Just making coffee

Was he nicer, kinder and more loving before he moved in?

They call this stage "spending time in the pain room". It's so tough but so necessary. Hang in there OP, you'll thank yourself later. Sending hugs

This man may be charming and good looking but to use abusive language like you have described, that in itself is enough to end a relationship.
I take it this man was 30-ish when you met? With a tribe of kids, and a tiny flat, and a wreck of marriage he needed to escape from.
And there you are, responsible, good fun, one child you look after brilliantly and space for him and his children.
It is the complete lack of effort in the end which is the killer. And I know therapists say ‘you can’t change another person’ but that also comes with a premise that if that person is damaging you, then you need to leave.
The casual sex remark is to hurt you.
To be frank, if he’s charming and good looking he will find casual sex pretty easily.
But find someone long term, who will take him and his kids on?
He is about to find out how much you have been doing these past few years, and none of it is your responsibility.
You are going to pine, and feel upset, but if you continue this in any capacity you are going to become so damaged by it.
After what happened to you as a child, do not allow that. Any many who calls his partner a c*nt is an abuser. It is vile.
Your child will get used to it. They have their own friends and will now have more freedom.
As will you.
Do not write yourself off, but take plenty of time.
You may think 40 is past it but when you are 60, you will realise it’s still youthful.

Your ex reminds me a lot of my father. Very handsome, sporty, entertaining, very charming, extremely self-centred, feckless, good earner but completely hopeless with money, probably had ADHD, vaguely attentive to his childen, delusionally thought of himself as "an honourable man" - and a prolific consumer of women. Women were there to look after him, sexually, financially, domestically, do all the mental labour: he expected them to run his life smoothly, anticipate his needs and wishes, and in return he would graciously keep choosing them as his preferred service provider (meanwhile he cheated on all of them). When they became less useful (eg they got sick) or started wanting - god forbid - reciprocal effort and care, he'd eventually dump them. He once told his cousin, who had lost his wife to cancer, to stop grieving and find another woman.

He was the ultimate cocklodger/hobosexual (such excellent descriptors) and left a wake of damaged women behind him.

Even if exP is not as bad as my father, you don't want someone who sees women as replaceable appliances. That stuff is baked in and won't change.

You are sending him a screenshot about his lack of care but @PithyBeaker you don’t need to justify why the relationship broke down, you’re just giving him ammunition to use against you if he love bombs you to move back in.
You need to just repeat that it wasn’t working for you everytime he texts you, he’s making you justify why you pulled the rug from under his feet to wear you down. He knows why so don’t get pulled into the blame game.

It didn't take long for him to show his true colours. Honestly, I'd be pleased that his behaviour just reinforces and validates your decision. If he had just continued to express his sadness at your decision, you would probably have started to feel a bit guilty and you might have started second guessing your decision and having second thoughts.

This behaviour will make it easier for you to get over him.

When I married my ex I thought I knew him. It turned out I didn't and he wasn't the man I really wanted him to be. I persisted because I thought he would change, he didn't. Infact he became more himself. I lived with him for years possibly because I just got used to life being a bit shit. Then I left him and my god I have never looked back. I still see him every so often, we have grown up children together and I'm amazed I was so nice and so accommodating and just sort of put up with him. Time is a very great healer OP, you have done the right thing.

Actually being up and dressed and making coffee feels good. Sense of relief is there.

And for a few years after

Absolutely spot on.

This man may be charming and good looking but to use abusive language like you have described, that in itself is enough to end a relationship.

So true. I actually gasped when I read your post about him repeatedly calling you the C word and other names. This is not the behaviour of a good person.

Agree with other posters who advise to stop the long messages to him as these could simply highlight vulnerabilities for him to exploit later.

Also the poster who said to prepare for him to weaponise his children, possibly withdrawing their attendance at the party at the last minute.

Do you trust him to drop his children at the party and leave? I suspect he’ll want to stay and assert himself so plan to ensure that doesn’t happen. Perhaps your sister can open the door to the kids?