Page 39 | Continuing an AIBU …

PithyBeaker · 2026-04-10T18:22:28+00:00

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Beachtastic · 13/04/2026 23:14

MrsMcGarry · 13/04/2026 21:37

I am going to disagree here as someone who had 1 "meh" therapist, one truly awful one and one that quite honestly saved my life.

Whilst AI can do the pattern spotting, that's really just the tip of the iceberg. I absolutely knew what my patterns were, spent an awful lot of my time and energy beating myself up for not being able to change them. Proper, life changing therapy doesn't just explain why you keep going wrong.

For too many people, their issues are because of only ever having bad relationships. Or, and especially if there's been abuse in childhood, not having any real relationships at all, because that would involve trusting someone and being vulnerable with them, and when you do that leave you because you aren't good enough. Or die in horrific accidents, but that still feels like leaving because you weren't good enough to stop it happening. Or abuse you, because you really aren't worth anything more.

If that's been your experience, no amount of pattern recognition is going to help you to heal. (Almost typed fix you, but as I am healed I know I never needed fixing). You need to learn how to have a relationship - and doing that with AI - or anonymous women on the internet - isn't going to work. It wasn't the things I talked about in therapy that helped me heal, it was that I learned to trust my therapist and built with her one of the first healthy relationships I'd ever been allowed to have. And once you've done it once, it's easier to do it again.

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I appreciate what you're saying, but I think we can learn from relationships with all sorts of people. For example, I learned a lot about what a decent man behaved like from one of my bosses. It blew my mind that he was concerned about me overworking and expressed dissatisfaction mildy, with humour, in ways that didn't involve rage and humiliation. That was quite an eye-opener.

The big thing - and such a cliché to say it, because it's so true - is the relationship we have with ourselves, and I suppose we all heal that in different ways. Mine was to withdraw completely from human contact for almost a decade, but it wouldn't suit everyone! 🫣😬😁

CautiousLurker2 · 13/04/2026 23:54

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:48

I know. I don’t want my son thinking that’s how you treat women. Wish he was getting to see it being done right but I guess maybe that ship has sailed in this lifetime.

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Try to be reassured that this is not the case - you model how relationships work in all your interactions with your son and how you interact with his dad, your sister, your friends. This all helps him see a confident, positive and loving woman and teaches him how to communicate, show love and be respectful and supportive. He doesn’t need to see you with a romantic partner to grow up into a lovely, loving young man. You know he’s almost there already because you’re a great mum. He’ll be fine, so park that unnecessary guilt.

MrsMcGarry · 13/04/2026 23:58

Absolutely beachtastic. I wouldn't have even started third batch of therapy post divorce if it wasn't for new man patiently but firmly telling me I needed to change my patterns (I kept on dumping him, but because I wanted to do it before he dumped me, pretty much every time we disagreed on anything).

Holdinguphalfthesky · 14/04/2026 06:47

I feel a lot better now after lots of therapy, with different people over the years. Internal family systems and compassionate inquiry have been the most helpful. But to be honest the best thing I did was be single for five years. Once I stopped the adrenaline-dopamine rollercoaster of seeking approval, I started to not only see the red flags but also act on them, I stopped thinking of men as ‘good enough’ when they weren’t and stopped overlooking their (terrible) flaws. I realised how nice it is to live on your own and make your own choices.

i am married now, to a man whose behaviour was so far away from anyone else’s that I’d been out with as to be on a different planet. Who really saw me as a person and didn’t try to change me, and who took responsibility for his own decisions and emotions. I didn’t have to take care of him. It’s amazing, and I got here because I learned to be with myself.

But living alone is my secret fantasy, it’s his too actually so we both share our daydreams and make space for each of us to have alone time 😆

Beachtastic · 14/04/2026 08:22

Holdinguphalfthesky · 14/04/2026 06:47

I feel a lot better now after lots of therapy, with different people over the years. Internal family systems and compassionate inquiry have been the most helpful. But to be honest the best thing I did was be single for five years. Once I stopped the adrenaline-dopamine rollercoaster of seeking approval, I started to not only see the red flags but also act on them, I stopped thinking of men as ‘good enough’ when they weren’t and stopped overlooking their (terrible) flaws. I realised how nice it is to live on your own and make your own choices.

i am married now, to a man whose behaviour was so far away from anyone else’s that I’d been out with as to be on a different planet. Who really saw me as a person and didn’t try to change me, and who took responsibility for his own decisions and emotions. I didn’t have to take care of him. It’s amazing, and I got here because I learned to be with myself.

But living alone is my secret fantasy, it’s his too actually so we both share our daydreams and make space for each of us to have alone time 😆

Gosh your life seems to have followed a similar trajectory to mine!

Thinking about therapy, I suppose we all have different learning styles when it comes to personal growth. For me, I like the impartial anonymity of AI because (apart from DH#2) I find human interaction somewhat stressful, even (or perhaps especially) professional sympathy. I'm more "Just give me the facts and let me deal with it" 🤣

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 14/04/2026 08:59

CautiousLurker2 · 13/04/2026 23:54

Try to be reassured that this is not the case - you model how relationships work in all your interactions with your son and how you interact with his dad, your sister, your friends. This all helps him see a confident, positive and loving woman and teaches him how to communicate, show love and be respectful and supportive. He doesn’t need to see you with a romantic partner to grow up into a lovely, loving young man. You know he’s almost there already because you’re a great mum. He’ll be fine, so park that unnecessary guilt.

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This was so helpful to hear. Thank you 🙏

also: posting the new thread again below icymi x

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Continuing AIBU thread 3 | Mumsnet

More of the same, and thanks for your support

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3

OP posts:

Cornucopia55 · 14/04/2026 09:07

I haven't posted on this thread before but have been reflecting a lot on it. I was desperately in love with my ex-H, who wanted large family life but barely lifted a finger in the house because he was too stressed or depressed, and I wanted to rescue him from his unhappy youth too.
I grew up walking on eggshells and "contorting myself into a pretzel" as PP said, trying to keep very difficult parents happy in a chaotic home, desperately trying to make it peaceful, then graduated from this rescuer academy into the adult role of bending over backwards attempting the impossible task of rescuing their father from himself.

Lots of fault on my part as, in our family, I brought the chaos, having grown up immersed in it. My drive was to fix my childhood by rescuing and nurturing and making other people feel better.
Anyway @PithyBeaker , I realised that he wasn't good for me. It didn't matter how much I loved him - he wasn't good for me, and that was all the reason I needed.
For years I couldn't even imagine having another relationship. But now I have been seeing a lovely man for several years who shows my kids how to treat your partner with real care and respect. He proactively makes changes without me asking; it seems like some magic power, but I think it's because he is actually a grownup and he doesn't need or want me to rescue him.
We do not live together, partly because I can see that MY family would be too chaotic for HIS peace. We spend most nights together, but having our own separate homes feels so important when you have your own children who are not shared. I know that if we lived together, my life would be easier, but his would be harder. That's not right.
My children are mostly adults now, and I used to worry about the impact on their relationships of what they'd seen growing up - me dancing attendance on their dad's mood. But at least when we split up, they were not seeing that, but instead seeing that no relationship was preferable to a bad one. They saw me freed from a relationship that wasn't good for me.
It has been a wonderful thing to see three adult sons having healthy relationships and treating their partners well.
Sending hugs @PithyBeaker ,and thanks to the many wise women who have posted on this thread.

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2026 12:17

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:22

I know he really wants to avoid having to tell his X and deal w fallout w kids. Once Friday passes I think he will back off bc the worst for him will be over.

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Of course he can tell them all any time. The Friday deadine which to you means freedom is an illusion. He can lie to them after friday too and keep hope alive. People who are avoidant can get very creative.

AngelinaJoyless · 18/04/2026 12:36

@PithyBeaker I have been following your threads and have been holding you in mind all week.
I do hope you have managed to draw a final line under your previous relationship, even though the hurt will continue. You seem very grounded and realistic and this will stand you in good stead.
My respect and best wishes to you and your DS in your calm and peaceful future life.

marcopront · 18/04/2026 13:24

There is a new thread which is very inspiring.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 18/04/2026 14:21

AngelinaJoyless · 18/04/2026 12:36

@PithyBeaker I have been following your threads and have been holding you in mind all week.
I do hope you have managed to draw a final line under your previous relationship, even though the hurt will continue. You seem very grounded and realistic and this will stand you in good stead.
My respect and best wishes to you and your DS in your calm and peaceful future life.

Thank you for these kind wishes! Things are ok, here is the latest: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

xx

Continuing AIBU thread 3 | Mumsnet

More of the same, and thanks for your support

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

OP posts: