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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Continuing an AIBU …

961 replies

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 19:22

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

OP posts:
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7
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:19

ThisJadeBear · 11/04/2026 10:09

This man may be charming and good looking but to use abusive language like you have described, that in itself is enough to end a relationship.
I take it this man was 30-ish when you met? With a tribe of kids, and a tiny flat, and a wreck of marriage he needed to escape from.
And there you are, responsible, good fun, one child you look after brilliantly and space for him and his children.
It is the complete lack of effort in the end which is the killer. And I know therapists say ‘you can’t change another person’ but that also comes with a premise that if that person is damaging you, then you need to leave.
The casual sex remark is to hurt you.
To be frank, if he’s charming and good looking he will find casual sex pretty easily.
But find someone long term, who will take him and his kids on?
He is about to find out how much you have been doing these past few years, and none of it is your responsibility.
You are going to pine, and feel upset, but if you continue this in any capacity you are going to become so damaged by it.
After what happened to you as a child, do not allow that. Any many who calls his partner a c*nt is an abuser. It is vile.
Your child will get used to it. They have their own friends and will now have more freedom.
As will you.
Do not write yourself off, but take plenty of time.
You may think 40 is past it but when you are 60, you will realise it’s still youthful.

Thanks. I’m certainly not writing myself off but the idea of dating or living with anyone else ever again is abhorrent to me right now.

OP posts:
nolongersurprised · 11/04/2026 10:21

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:17

And for a few years after

Show quote history

So he moved in very quickly? It was a five year relationship, it’s been a bit crap for 18 months and he was good for a few years after he moved in.

I can imagine he was extremely charming and charismatic.

Of course he will try to do it all again with another woman, but the older his kids become the less attractive he’ll be. No one will want to move a man with three teens into their home.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:23

nolongersurprised · 11/04/2026 10:21

So he moved in very quickly? It was a five year relationship, it’s been a bit crap for 18 months and he was good for a few years after he moved in.

I can imagine he was extremely charming and charismatic.

Of course he will try to do it all again with another woman, but the older his kids become the less attractive he’ll be. No one will want to move a man with three teens into their home.

Show quote history

Yea we moved in together after five months. Jus got the below messages

Continuing an AIBU …
OP posts:
nomas · 11/04/2026 10:24

So he has completely ignored the concerns about his children's behaviour,

Hi OP, I’m catching up on your last thread and this one but missed what his children’s behaviours was like. Were they dominating your dc at times?

Also, your child probably got used to having them there because that was his normal, but he will enjoy his new normal with you even more.

Meteorite87 · 11/04/2026 10:26

He is still saying "WE need to make changes". He just will not acknowledge that the problems were caused by him.

nolongersurprised · 11/04/2026 10:29

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:23

Yea we moved in together after five months. Jus got the below messages

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You were love-bombed, weren’t you?

Just remember that, for him, being a family means you looking after his children, in your house. It doesn’t mean acts of kindness for you, it doesn’t stop him calling you a cunt, it doesn’t mean him spending time with your son.

WinterSunglasses · 11/04/2026 10:29

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:23

Yea we moved in together after five months. Jus got the below messages

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Here we go. 'If WE need to make changes..' It's YOU who needed to do that, mate!

Try to ignore these if you can OP. He is taking the predicted line of 'WE could fix things' while still in denial. You were never a family, because if you were, you'd have been able to kindly work on his kids' bad habits. You were the unpaid help, there to pick up and put up without complaining and to amuse yourself while he was gaming.

MachineBee · 11/04/2026 10:29

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:23

Yea we moved in together after five months. Jus got the below messages

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And there we have it in his latest messages. Not what HE’S looking for. Doesn’t want you to kick him and his kids out.

@PithyBeaker I’d suggest you mute his messages for now. Then you can look at them when you are ready (and ideally with a friend). Bonus is that you not reading or responding will drive him nuts.

Don't delete them in case you need evidence of harassment as it’s turning into this quite quickly.

metalstrawsarecoldbutnotsoggy · 11/04/2026 10:31

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:23

Yea we moved in together after five months. Jus got the below messages

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You need to reply… I asked YOU multiple times to make changes and YOU didn’t. Now you’re only interested in change because I’ve asked you to move out. I’m not falling for it this time.

WinterSunglasses · 11/04/2026 10:31

When under the previous circumstances would his kids be returning to your house? I am just wondering if he's hoping he can talk you round in time to reverse the decision before he has to tell them.

PurpleVine · 11/04/2026 10:32

mute and don't respond. the script is that his messages will go from loving to abusive to guilt tripping and back round again. ignore him.

have you got your key back from him?think about changing the locks anyway in case he has a copy.

Candleabra · 11/04/2026 10:32

I see he’s dialling back from his previous “I’ll get someone else” position. He’s seeing what he can get you to accept to get himself back in the house. But intends to change nothing (his immediate words yesterday were the true him). Be prepared for tears, realisations and begging soon - but stay strong, it’s only to get what he wants.

NettleTea · 11/04/2026 10:32

and there are many ways to be a family. My 20 year old sons father has never lived with me - we are both a bit older parents, but I think we both knew that living together wouldnt work. And he wasnt looking for someone to mother him - I had a child to mother.

Wish44 · 11/04/2026 10:33

Op I have been following your journey and I wanted to say a massive well done. Those of us who have been there know how hard it is and how strong the pull is chase the dream that they will be the person you used to know again, and the push to avoid the grief that you will not have the family life you hoped for.

when I was going through this a really helpful mumsnet post that really stuck with me said these men view us as domestic appliances and it all shows when we break a bit. They don’t treat us as a human . They initially shout at us and try and get us working again by trying to change us- when it doesn’t work they simply toss us aside and get a new one. I couldn’t believe my ex already had my replacement lined before we had even split up ( I spent far too much long trying to explain things to my ex foolishly thinking he was having a comprehension problem and if I could just explain right he would see) when he has said for so long he would never have anyone other than me.

good luck op. I am a few years jn and it’s still hard but I 100 per cent know I made the right decision and if I ever waver I imagine him calling me a cunt in front of my kids - which he did at the end of- and how I have saved them from watching their mother be abused .

You are an amazing mum!!!

Happyhettie · 11/04/2026 10:33

And now it starts….. Last night he said horrible things to you and now he is back peddling qt 100 mph.

His language and behaviour towards you is disgusting. You would never call someone you love names or use the c word. I am so sorry that he did that. You are worth so much more.

nolongersurprised · 11/04/2026 10:34

Did he create some sense of urgency that meant he “had” to move himself in after five months?

If so, expect him to come up with similar reasons as to why he and his children can’t move out.

NettleTea · 11/04/2026 10:35

and agree on the love bombing - 5 months is some fast footwork, especially with kids involved. You cannot know anyone after 5 months. Ive heard that the best of the pretenders can usually keep the act up for about 2 years, and thats when they begin to slip into their actual character, when they feel comfortable that their feet are solidly under the table and enough initial groundwork has been done to hook you in for the longhaul.

well done OP.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/04/2026 10:35

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:23

Yea we moved in together after five months. Jus got the below messages

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He's panicking now. He's spiralled through sadness, anger and name-calling to no avail and is now begging. Harden your heart. This is the worst bit as you feel raw and vulnerable and at your lowest moments you will be second-guessing your decision. But his behaviour since you asked him to leave should hopefully validate your decision. You are very strong and brave as you are putting your son first.

Glowingup · 11/04/2026 10:37

Any man who calls you a cunt during arguments is not a good man. Keep telling yourself that on repeat.
As for his messages, fine, tell him that actually you have changed your mind and the relationship is over full stop. No offer of continuing to see each other. Let him find someone else to exploit and call a cunt while they break their back for him.
Also any man who moves his kids in with a new girlfriend after five months isn’t a good dad, just no. Same with a woman who does the same.

hypnovic · 11/04/2026 10:37

Breath work will be your best friend. Meditation. Your favourite music up loud. Some hyper girly new bedding. Now the gurglebogger is no longer around full of phlegm and farts ruining your vibe you get to enter your soft girl era .. keep us in the loop I cannot wait to watch you bloom now 💃💃🌿

NettleTea · 11/04/2026 10:40

there will be a cycle of all sorts of promises lies and threats now. Its a script

Nice and nasty
promising you whatever you had wanted
promising to change
threatening
indicating he might hurt himself (at this point call 999 for a welfare check - they are well versed in dealiong with this sort of shit, and by the time they finish he wont pull that card again)
crying
using the kids
claiming undying love
insulting you
indicating another new woman is on the scene to try to make you compete.

thats just off the top of my head for the cycle. it runs through several times before any genuine talk comes, but by then its far far too late.

and I would say its not working. not for you, not for your son - who in coming years is going to need calm and quiet to study, and have a good example of a healthy relationship, and healthy parenting to be exposed to in the most informative years of his life. And he cant offer that . Your son is your priority

aquitodavia · 11/04/2026 10:41

NettleTea · 11/04/2026 10:35

and agree on the love bombing - 5 months is some fast footwork, especially with kids involved. You cannot know anyone after 5 months. Ive heard that the best of the pretenders can usually keep the act up for about 2 years, and thats when they begin to slip into their actual character, when they feel comfortable that their feet are solidly under the table and enough initial groundwork has been done to hook you in for the longhaul.

well done OP.

I think it was somewhere on MN that I saw it posted 'no one falls in love so quickly as a man in need of somewhere to live'...

lessglittermoremud · 11/04/2026 10:41

Pop him on mute for awhile and give yourself some breathing room.
He’s very quickly gone from
“ i’ll find someone else who does want to share to if WE need to make changes we can”
Maybe he’s realised he isn’t quite the catch he thought he was….

ThisJadeBear · 11/04/2026 10:41

Ah the manipulation begins.
You are not a family now.
Your child is your family.
He is lying in bed on a Saturday morning wondering how he’s going to afford three teenagers and how he is going to deal with their mess.
You are grown up.
Time for him to fucking grow up.
You haven’t ‘kicked’ his children out they don’t live with you!!!!

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 11/04/2026 10:41

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 10:23

Yea we moved in together after five months. Jus got the below messages

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He was only interested in the house for his kids then?

I could see what you saw in him until you said he called you a cunt. I would have binned him off that day quite honestly.