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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Continuing an AIBU …

961 replies

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 19:22

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
eeemes · 11/04/2026 07:13

He could have said…I’m hurt, but I can now see it wasn’t working for you. I love you and want to understand which parts were you unhappy with? The gaming over doing things together? I’ll now only game when you’re out and we can plan more things together. The stopped bringing you coffee in bed? I can’t believe I didn’t think how that would have felt to you, I want to be more thoughtful and will find ways to show you I care. Not paying rent when I’m giving my ex money? I understand that’s not a fair long-term arrangement. I will talk to my ex and agree to reduce this gradually and let’s get a fairer arrangement in place. My kids chaos? I will take them to stay in my flat during the week and we can plan fun family things together at weekends. The cleaning? I will make more of an effort every day and teach my kids to put their things away each day and help out when we stay here. I want a chance to show you how I feel, but I’ll move out in the meantime and we can build a new relationship together where we’re both happy, would that work for you?

But no, instead it’s…I want to be able to carry on just as we are and if you won’t put up with it, then it can only be a casual sex thing, so that I can look for someone else who will just put up with it.

His reaction tells you everything OP. You have been strong and amazing. The hurt will pass and you will start to feel very relieved and free. Enjoy that feeling when it comes.

Velvian · 11/04/2026 07:41

Followed your previous thread @PithyBeaker. So pleased that you are DS are back on your own with control of your home.

Take care of yourself and DS have lots of quality time together and keep talking. .

My DFriend describes her ExP as a 'hobo-sexual' as an alternative to cocklodger. 😅 I think your P may be hobo-sexual too.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 11/04/2026 07:58

How are you feeling today, @PithyBeaker ? You have been so strong- I hope you have the space this weekend to be gentle with yourself and treat yourself kindly. It will help.

Your now-ex is a shit. Does he see the house as your dowry or something, that adds to your value to match his like he’s Henry VIII!?

Living alone is wonderful. I am fortunate to be in a happy relationship now (my first healthy relationship, it started when I was 42!) but if it ends then I will be delighted to live alone again. It’s pure freedom without compromising, and some people never get to appreciate it. I’m sure you will, and I hope it comes to feel like a blessing.

FinallyHere · 11/04/2026 08:04

Good morning @PithyBeaker sending you strength to be gentle on yourself

Enjoy life with your DC

NervouslyWatching · 11/04/2026 08:05

@PithyBeaker hope you are feeling ok, I can imagine it must be really hard for you but he sounds like he just wanted things his way where you do it all. You need to prioritise your child or yourself.

MeridianB · 11/04/2026 08:07

Wow. Just wow. I read every one of your posts on the first thread and my heart sank lower each time. I’m so proud of you for seeing him for what he is and taking action.

The two things that jumped out were him pushing for your son to be at his father’s more and this…

He has never forgiven me for not buying the house with him, harbours resentment and says I stopped him from being financially better off (by being able to contribute to a mortgage on a place he lives in).

His malignant influence was almost palpable.

And as others have said, he has shown his true colours very quickly now you’ve taken back your power.

Really well done for being so strong. Please don’t worry about your son missing kids - it won’t last long and he may never tell you how relieved he is to have a calm home back. Most of all, he deserves so much more of your time, energy and headspace.

My only suggestion is to stay strong and not let him creep back or seduce you into FWB. A good way to do this is to block him. 🪷

MeridianB · 11/04/2026 08:09

Oh, and to reassure your son and enjoy quality time together in a million little ways. 🎈

eatreadsleeprepeat · 11/04/2026 08:19

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 23:55

Home now, was at friends. Turning in. Ton of bricks is right, I’m shattered. You wouldn’t believe the messages I got from him this evening. I quote: “I’m not against something casual on the side in an open relationship but it’s not reasonable to ask for that as an exclusive relationship.” Verbatim. I’m not worth exclusivity anymore, apparently, without the house. So it was the right decision. Night all, you’re the best x

Show quote history

Wow! Through all the tiredness and sadness you now have two things to hold onto, you have been brave and strong and stood up for yourself and he has illustrated clearly what his priorities are. I so hope that these will give you strength in the next few days and weeks.
You will need at some point to do a list of people you must tell etc. But at the same time look after yourself.

Cottagecheesepls · 11/04/2026 08:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:42

RoyalPenguin · 11/04/2026 07:09

Hope you are OK OP.

Not really. Woke up crying. Miss him terribly.

OP posts:
Dozer · 11/04/2026 08:43

His words and actions since you asked him to move out confirm you made a good decision.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:44

He is dumping me. I have said I still want to continue the relationship living separately. He only wants the kind of relationship where “we live together and share everything”

OP posts:
OhFeyreDarling · 11/04/2026 08:47

He wants the relationship where he and his kids live in your house and drain you dry. See him for what he is saying, let him go OP you'll be much stronger in the long run

Sending 💐you got this

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:48

MeridianB · 11/04/2026 08:07

Wow. Just wow. I read every one of your posts on the first thread and my heart sank lower each time. I’m so proud of you for seeing him for what he is and taking action.

The two things that jumped out were him pushing for your son to be at his father’s more and this…

He has never forgiven me for not buying the house with him, harbours resentment and says I stopped him from being financially better off (by being able to contribute to a mortgage on a place he lives in).

His malignant influence was almost palpable.

And as others have said, he has shown his true colours very quickly now you’ve taken back your power.

Really well done for being so strong. Please don’t worry about your son missing kids - it won’t last long and he may never tell you how relieved he is to have a calm home back. Most of all, he deserves so much more of your time, energy and headspace.

My only suggestion is to stay strong and not let him creep back or seduce you into FWB. A good way to do this is to block him. 🪷

I can’t block him. We still have loads to sort out, so many logistics (car insurance, etc) and loads of his stuff still here and I still want his kids to come to my son’s bday party next week, bc my son would be so disappointed if they didn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:49

OhFeyreDarling · 11/04/2026 08:47

He wants the relationship where he and his kids live in your house and drain you dry. See him for what he is saying, let him go OP you'll be much stronger in the long run

Sending 💐you got this

Ok but feels impossibly lonely right now.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 11/04/2026 08:49

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:44

He is dumping me. I have said I still want to continue the relationship living separately. He only wants the kind of relationship where “we live together and share everything”

Sounds like he's confusing 'need' with 'love'.

georgebungleszippy · 11/04/2026 08:50

@PithyBeaker I have followed both of your threads and unfortunately this is going to be the time that he ramps up his manipulation of you. He is only interested in what he wants, which is to live in your house. Without the house he no longer wants the relationship. What does that tell you?

2gumsonly · 11/04/2026 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

WinterSunglasses · 11/04/2026 08:51

Just get through today as best you can OP. It's going to be hard but you've done the first bit. This is the road to it getting better. Be really kind to yourself today. Make your own coffee and remind yourself he'd chosen to stop doing that and he was wrong because you are worth it. ☕️

NoelFieldingsLeftSock · 11/04/2026 08:53

PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:44

He is dumping me. I have said I still want to continue the relationship living separately. He only wants the kind of relationship where “we live together and share everything”

Please be strong, do not undo all that you have done so far. It feels weird, you feel like you miss him but you're adjusting to the new life you now have. I left a coercive controller and went back after a week as it felt strange without him in my life and I thought that it meant that I had made the wrong decision to leave. It took me another year to leave him again, during which time he ran up debt in my name and was cheating. It took me another year to get him out of my house and sell it as I felt sorry for him and allowed him to stay whilst it was being sold. He took the key off the estate agent and wouldn't allow viewings... They will do anything and everything to get their own way. Please be strong, you've got this FlowersFlowers

SillySeal · 11/04/2026 08:54

OP, I haven't commented before but read the thread last night and I have just caught up. Just wanted to say how wonderfully strong you are. It can't have been easy.

What stood out to me is that 1, he's all about sharing but he's not really bringing much to the table to share and 2, not once have you mentioned him being shocked by what you have said to him. Not once have I read that he's upset that you feel how you do, that he's asked how to make things right, that he has tried to make any effort or that he's even thought of your feelings. It has all been about him and his wanting to share. He has not l, from what I have read, fought for the blended family he says he wants. That speaks volumes. He is more sad about losing a home and security than the love of his life.

Maybe he will find someone else but I am not sure many women would put up with this and it sounds like he was saying his chances are better than yours but I dont think thats true at all. You have far more going for you. Just remember why you are doing this and it is for your son and his happiness and also your own.

pictoosh · 11/04/2026 08:56

Try to focus on the fact that your home isn't about to be filled with someone else's THREE children.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:56

eeemes · 11/04/2026 07:13

He could have said…I’m hurt, but I can now see it wasn’t working for you. I love you and want to understand which parts were you unhappy with? The gaming over doing things together? I’ll now only game when you’re out and we can plan more things together. The stopped bringing you coffee in bed? I can’t believe I didn’t think how that would have felt to you, I want to be more thoughtful and will find ways to show you I care. Not paying rent when I’m giving my ex money? I understand that’s not a fair long-term arrangement. I will talk to my ex and agree to reduce this gradually and let’s get a fairer arrangement in place. My kids chaos? I will take them to stay in my flat during the week and we can plan fun family things together at weekends. The cleaning? I will make more of an effort every day and teach my kids to put their things away each day and help out when we stay here. I want a chance to show you how I feel, but I’ll move out in the meantime and we can build a new relationship together where we’re both happy, would that work for you?

But no, instead it’s…I want to be able to carry on just as we are and if you won’t put up with it, then it can only be a casual sex thing, so that I can look for someone else who will just put up with it.

His reaction tells you everything OP. You have been strong and amazing. The hurt will pass and you will start to feel very relieved and free. Enjoy that feeling when it comes.

This was so extraordinarily on point that I just edited it and sent it to him. It’s exactly how I feel. Thank you 🙏 from the bottom of my heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 11/04/2026 08:57

pictoosh · 11/04/2026 08:56

Try to focus on the fact that your home isn't about to be filled with someone else's THREE children.

I know, I just miss him. When it was good it was great.

OP posts:
Whacker · 11/04/2026 08:58

Its a terrible shock when you realise someone is not the person you thought they were, be very kind to yourself now while recovering from this break up, its not easy. Some people would drift along knowing deep down that this would be the outcome when setting normal boundaries but they are doing themselves a disservice and missing opportunities to have relationships with decent and honest people. You are a strong, capable and honest person be proud of that. Get the dog!