OP. I know it feels this way to you at the moment (I still feel that way and I’m 15 years older), but remember is that your dear son will see you modelling how relationships are not supposed to be. Being strong enough to walk away when they are not healthy.
That disrespecting someone’s no is unacceptable and that a strong woman knows her own mind and knows how she deserves to be treated. That means you don’t settle for less than you know you deserve. Even if it hurts and you have to walk away. You are enough. A relationship with another man does not define you or show your son what’s right and wrong. You do that. By making the right choices for you both, by being honest about those choices and offering guidance to him when he asks.
You will be showing your son how to step up in his own relationships further down the line. Especially if his relationship with his father is sketchy, you are and always will be his main role model.
My DC are nearly 20 now and their father was always absent in their lives due to his work choices (long story). He takes them for a meal maybe once or twice a month since we separated when they were 15. . My son never receives birthday or Christmas gifts (doesn’t ask), his sister does, but she has to ask and tell her dad what she wants. In fact he forgot their last birthday altogether.
Sadly he showed himself to be a narcissistic, lethargic parent who was so full of his own self pity he refuses to see the wood for the trees. (And yes, I was replaced quite quickly after I asked him to leave). He’s not a monster either, but he is self-centered and selfish, while also capable and very charming. He is also manipulative, but even now I struggle to believe it is conscious manipulation. More like a learned behaviour as to how he achieves the easiest life for himself. I so wanted him to be who I thought he could be, but all the love in the world can’t make it happen. He has to make the changes himself. it did take me a while to realise that. It’s amazing the peace you find when you finally realise it is not your job to fix someone.
You already know this, you have said it in a previous post I think. Really knowing, however, is truly believing it.
Going through the divorce now is hard work because I am still expected to do the lions share of the work with the solicitor. I don’t speak to him any more at all. Initially I tried to stay friendly, helpful, it just meant I was enabling him to stay in his chaos. It had to stop.
I know it’s hard to stop contact. It’s fresh and you still want to support him in a small way because maybe you feel you’ve forced him to stand on his own two feet now and sort out his housing for him and his children. He is an adult and that has always been his responsibility. Not yours. Please be aware, once he realises you will not take him back - he may well get nastier again. Filtering his messages and replying to only the necessary ones as a previous poster suggested is really good advice. For your huge tender heart and for your peace. 🌸🙏