Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Yeah...I am so sorry that you're going through it. Your anxiety must be sky high atm.

OP, please stay strong. Write down all the terrible things he’s said and done on an actual list. Write down anything from this or the other thread that resonated with you strongly. Keep that piece of paper with you.

I think you need a clean break personally but appreciate the children make it complicated. I am guessing though that there is a chance your son would jump at the chance of a birthday party without these children there. Your first post said that they don’t always get along that well. Children are great at trying to please their parents so it’s totally possible he’s just been trying to be ‘good’ and would actually be thrilled to have a party with just his actual friends.

It is absolutely disgusting that you said ‘this isn’t working for me’ and he said ‘fine then, I’ll go sleep with whoever but also we should sleep together. Unless of course you’re housing me and caring for me and then I’ll consider monogamy but actually I’m younger and fabulous and can find loads of other options so maybe whatever’. That’s just gross.

Omg stop, hobo-sexual is the BEST thing I’ve ever heard in my whole life.

I think you gave everything you had, and unfortunately this man isn’t who you thought he was. His values are not yours and he doesn’t see you in the way you see him. That’s going to hurt. As I said above, please be kind to yourself this weekend- gentle activities, maybe treat yourself to something he never liked or wanted you to have, do something nourishing with your son.

In time, this pain will pass. I hope he doesn’t create problems for you to spite you, but I fear he might. Stick to your boundaries- you were never being unreasonable, it’s him who has been and continues to be and who will happily see you in misery as long as he is comfortable. That’s not love, that’s servitude, and that’s what he wants.

Its a bit wordy but when I left my husband someone said to me "the you in 12 months will be so thankful for the you, you are today" I repeated that regularly to myself amost hourly at one point but it really helped me.

I had a terrible time but im pleased with the life I have now, no money, no free time as sole custody(sp?) But jeez so much happier! I often still say well done me to myself, which makes me sound crazy but you will be happier once your heart hurts a little less x

Good morning Pithy . Eeemes post is bang on.
Just breathe today. Look at a big sky . Hug your boy and know that everything is going to be ok . You have done the right thing .

Don’t back track . If he really loves you , he would still want to be your partner living apart.

The children won’t come to the birthday party by the way. He will be all about punishing you now and trying to make this your fault.

love and strength to you

When was it last good though?

You can miss him (of course you do, you’d been in a relationship for 5 years) and still know that it’s the right decision (which it definitely is, given his appalling reaction). Both of those things can be true at once.

Un-mumsnetty hugs, OP. How is your DC doing?

I will get a dog but need to breathe first.

He slept over at my friends house last night (he is mates with her kids and none of them wanted to be parted!) I’ll go collect him in a bit, just bed-rotting and crying for a bit longer.

I don’t know, he already booked the tickets for them to go and he said he will still take them. I don’t think he will not bring them, but I’ve been surprised before. Let’s see.

Honestly hard to remember. Maybe a year and a half ago?

That’s a long time.

Do you feel like you posted on here because you were aware the relationship and situation were draining your life force?

It’s natural to feel sad and scared after such a big change. You will mourn the relationship and the person you believed him to be.

Totally understandable that you cannot block just yet. A logistical clean break as soon as possible will help, though.

Worth getting your cleaner in for a reset.

Just take things an hour at a time for now. You will feel better. 💐

You're grieving, OP. Both the relationship that you had with him and the one you wanted it to be. And that's OK. Take your time, wallow, cry, listen to sad songs. It's so much better to release those feelings and deal with them rather than bottle them up. But whatever you do, don't weaken. His only goal is to make sure that he's looked after here. Not you. You'll get through this and be better for it but that'll take time

Hugely well done to you.
Please keep holding in your mind that picture of your son and you benefitting from the quiet, calm house. You will need that far sooner than you think.

I suggest getting in some help to get the rest of his items boxed up.

Ending up alone? I don’t think that is likely.
I think you might be considered quite a catch as an independent single woman, perhaps to slightly older men in their late forties or early fifties. But no rush.

Just nod along to all his big talk as, after all, you won’t be holding him back from buying a house any more…

His life is instantly going to become much less comfortable, partly because he doesn't have your big house but also because he will miss the essential life structure you gave him. Once he does the math, he may very well use this message as a blueprint on how to wangle/promise his way back in. It's probably better to not give him any more ammunition.

Sending You a massive hug @PithyBeaker of course you miss him he’s been part of your life for years. You have tried your hardest to make the relationship work but lost yourself in the process. It’s going to hurt and take time for you to process. You have put everyone’s needs above your own for so long that you are ground down and vulnerable, an easy target right now.
All his digs will be running through your brain as he intended but you really have liberated yourself! He’s playing on your fears of being alone, told you that the relationship was conditional on him and his DC living in your house, spoke about meeting another woman who will want to share everything she has including her sanity to house him and DC. Then he makes out it’s all about you being mean about money and if he had a sudden windfall he would share it all with you. Now he’s considering FWB but obviously it will be an open relationship because he’s such a catch and obviously if another woman with a house comes along he needs to appear single. His words are carefully worded to hurt you and make you feel guilty with no mention of any love. I’m guessing once he realises that wounding you is not working to break you then he will love bomb you in order to get his feet back under your table.
You are a kind, loving and empathetic woman and the person he is painting you out to be wouldn’t have twisted herself like a pretzel to accommodate him and his DC and tried so hard for so long. Don’t let him tarnish your shine, you are worth so much more than a cock lodger.
He needs someone to mother his children so he can take a step back and also house them all. He gets overwhelmed and can’t cope with his DC on his own nor has the room for them all so yes he will be on the lookout for someone else to make his life easier. God help her!
You are free now to prioritise you and DC and regain your smile ❤️ your home and peace.

Yes definitely

@PithyBeaker I get where you are, I really do. My husband is handsome, sexy, funny, generous and kind (at times). He is also manipulative, quick to anger, passive aggressive and absolutely horrible in arguments. He told me to get the fuck out of his house last year. It wasn’t the first, or even the fiftieth time he’d said this. He also called me lots of lovely names and said I was a fat cunt.

What he did not know was that I’d bought a house. His house is in his name only. So the last time he told me to get out, I did. I left and moved into my new house. He wants me to go back to him. There is absolutely not a chance I’m doing that. Do I love him? Yes. Do I feel like there is part of me missing? Yes. Do I think he would revert to type if I ever went back? Absolutely, there is no question that he would. And he’d make sure he found a way to punish me as soon as I gave up my freedom and went back.

Right now he is manipulating you. You, understandably, are too upset to see that this is your chance for a better, happier life. Of course he has good points. All people have at least some good points. And you wouldn’t have been with him in the first place if he didn’t. However, you can love him but love yourself more. This is going to feel shit. Probably for a while. But you have done the right thing. For you and your son.

This. Smiling and laughing. I realised recently on a call to my sister it was the first time I’d laughed in days. He almost never made me smile or laugh anymore.

He also frequently called me a cunt every time we argued until I told him if he ever called me that again it would be over. Should have acted sooner. The name calling came so easily and instantly to him.

OP, I'm just copying over a few things I said on your previous thread, just in case you need it.

I think, in the end, you loved what he could have been if he had been a different person.

And the fact that one of his first thoughts was that he could find someone else, shows you how quickly he turned his mind to "me me me, what's next for me?"

Please try to remember this when, inevitably, you start wishing things had been different and how much you loved each other. This one is not partner material.

Right now, your brain is in shock and in survival mode, so your heart is leading the charge and is feeding you all sorts of lies. It feels "better" and "easier " that way. It isn't. That way madness lies.

You will cry a lot, and you will start to bargain with yourself. What if he just...? What if I didn't need...? What if he just needs time...? Why don't we just try...?

You need to ignore EVERYTHING your heart is telling you right now. Listen only to your head. If you can't hear your head, let all these wise women on here do the hearing for you.

He will not change.
He will promise he will change.
He won't.
He will bargain and promise, and when that doesn't work he will threaten.
In fact, he has already started to threaten you.
In the first few reactions yesterday, he showed you who he really is. Believe your eyes and ignore your heart.
The person you wanted him to be is either not there anymore or he never was that person.

One day at a time. Think back to how angry you have been, how chaotic your life has been, how unfulfilled you have felt. Is that the life you want to go back to? Is that the kind of life you would want for your best friend or your sister?

You cannot have what your heart is telling you that you want, without also having all those other horrible things that he brings into your life.

You will feel terrible, sick to your stomach, panicky, "what have I done" over and over and over. Until, a few weeks or months from now, you will wake up one morning and it won't be the first thing you think about. I promise you, THIS WILL PASS.

Your story has and is helping many other women in similar situations OP.