Continuing an AIBU …

[PithyBeaker]

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

No advice to give as you've had plenty on your last thread so I'm just another cheerleader wishing you peace and happiness going forwards. You deserve it

OP you are a force. You must feel spent beyond belief, but in the lead up to today and today itself he has shown you who he is. Remember this. His response was not that he will miss you, that he loves you. It was - but if I had a lovely house I would let you live in it. It was all about him, not about you. Well he doesn’t have a house.. We can’t exist on ‘what ifs’. He has what he has and even with that he failed to prioritise you and show you how special you are.

I am sure you feel like you’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. You will look back on today and feel pride at your strength and resilience in standing firm, putting yourself and your child first, and not being worn down. Sending you strength as the emotions flood in, and hope you have no plans this weekend so you can take the time for yourself.

I followed your last thread all the way through. So glad to see you had the strength to carry through, it must be so tough but you are doing the right thing for you and your son. Take care x

Joining you here OP, with no more advice right now but massive props for the strength you've shown today. A friend of mine once said in the middle of a very bad time for me 'I don't know how you're still standing up' and you may not know that about yourself right now, but you've done it. He's started to show some of his selfishness and nastiness more clearly in the relentless 'it's all about me' focus of the past 12 hours. Probably the easiest option is to ignore the bait, don't engage with it, and walk away. I really hope you're peacefully alone or with your son in your own home now. 💐

Home now, was at friends. Turning in. Ton of bricks is right, I’m shattered. You wouldn’t believe the messages I got from him this evening. I quote: “I’m not against something casual on the side in an open relationship but it’s not reasonable to ask for that as an exclusive relationship.” Verbatim. I’m not worth exclusivity anymore, apparently, without the house. So it was the right decision. Night all, you’re the best x

There you go. He's making it easier for you. Showing you that you were right not to waste another second on him.

Wow!
He's shown his true colours.

I'm sorry OP you must be so angry.

You should thank him really, for showing you how utterly right your decision to have him leave was.

You know, so often on Mumsnet over the years, women have posted about their terrible men, and been told to LTB, but then they've forgiven him, or played down the problem, and then they come back months later with more complaints, and sometimes that cycle has carried on for years. I was one of those women once.

But you! You post once, and get handed some hard truths, and called a doormat, and handle it with grace, and listen, and then LTB within a week. That is som boss ass bitch as my daughter would say. It's weird to feel so proud of a complete stranger but I do.

Sleep well. you deserve all the calm and happiness that I know will come your way now.

Not against something casual?!

Cheeky bastard! You are well rid.

Stay strong, OP. The love bombing/upset kids will be along soon

He just said (and I quote): that’s not the kind of relationship I want. I want to be with someone where we share everything.

When I read this, I thought...wow, proof you are doing the right thing. He could be with you 9 days out of 14 (I think you were OK with having the children at the weekend), but he doesn't want that. If he really wanted what's best for you and loved you..that's a really reasonable compromise.

You were right.

It is both sad and a blessing to have your gut proved right.

You bravely opened a thread because of a niggling feeling something was off.

You were right.
This was about him and his convenience.

Overwhelmed my arse.
He's just another selfish avoidant parent taking advantage of a nice woman.

He could have wasted another decade of yours but you got rid of him.

His first thought is to message you a situationship that might suit HIM

Selfish prick.
Well rid.

So glad to read you’ve done it OP.

Sadly it often comes down to money in the end. My now deceased DH once accused me and our DD of ‘milking him dry’.

Proud of you @PithyBeaker

So, for him, it was only ever transactional.

You get him, in his cock-lodging glory, but in return you have to be “a family”. Being a family means he can try to get your child out of your house, but you look after his 3 under-parented children, including the one who is hostile to your child.

That must hurt, but at least you know.

He really thinks he’s the bee’s knees, doesn’t he? That he’s worth your house, your space, your parenting resources yet you aren’t worthy of small acts of affection like walks, morning coffee.

I keep saying this and I’m sure you are sceptical - I too thought parents were exaggerating about the teen years - but 3-4 teen children is a lot. His children with ASD/ADHD are more likely to struggle and he’s not a great dad, is he?

He’s not a catch. He’s probably got 2 years max to try to convince someone else he is, until the upcoming teen storm. And when that passes in 10+ years’ time (assuming they leave home) he won’t be so young and handsome then, will he?

Holy crap! He really does think a lot of himself, doesn't he? Sleep well, @PithyBeaker, and many congratulations!

So his thoughts are "I've lost the house and the home comforts that go with it. Hmmm, wonder if she'll 'no strings attached' still shag me?". And I'm sorry if this hurts, it also shows that he's already looking to line up your replacement, thus the 'no exclusive'. What a bawbag!!

Sweet dreams of Freedom, @PithyBeaker . Your new life starts tomorrow and it's going to be just grand!

His reaction just proved everything you though/what people here have said is true.

Any man who was in this relationship for genuine reasons would be shocked at what you’ve said to him, would be upset and begging to try and save the relationship and asking what they could do to make it better.

But his reaction just shows how calculated he is and that he knew he was pushing his luck the whole time and that he was just waiting for you to see the light and get rid of his sorry ass. He was in this relationship for all the wrong reasons.

Well done @PithyBeaker stay strong.

Wow, I can’t believe he said that. No, ‘I miss you, you’re the love of my life and we’ll find a way to make this work’, just, ‘Well, I’ll still shag you, but I’m going to shag other people too’. Good of him 🙄 Still no acknowledgment of your generosity, your unhappiness, or your attempts to resolve the situation before it got to this point. Proof, if proof were needed, that you did the right thing.

He has a very high opinion of himself, doesn't he?

Regarding your son, just remember that there's a reason children aren't legally allowed to make big, life-changing decisions. It's natural if he wants the familiarity of what he already knows. It's natural if he questions whether you've done the right thing. You don't need to convince him of your reasons, just convince him that it's permanent. Remind him that he has other people in his life that care about him. And for yourself, you can rest assured that your ex would have caused a lot of friction as your son enters the teen years and naturally becomes more independent. Things would have got worse as your son becomes a man.

Wow! He's certainly shown his true colours hasn't he!

You're doing so well though OP. You've taken the wrong things from that though, it's not that you're not worth exclusivity, it's that you're too intelligent to undervalue yourself for a second longer.

My one suggestion would be not making any big decisions or dating at all in the next 6-12 months. You're going through a lot, the dust will take some time to settle and both you and your DS may wobble some days, so now is time to recharge and reset. A few months to just adjust, then a few months to reflect and think about what you do really want next, then a few months to just start on those plans.

You've got a teen who will grow and change and that throws up new and unexpected challenges, but also, in a few months, as he is growing in independence, think about something you can do each week just for yourself.

Eventually, if you want to, you'll make time and space in your life for another man, but now it's time to just recover and look after yourself. Wishing you all the best.

What a narcissistic twat. I'm snickering a bit at his self-delusion.

He'll likely keep coming back with this rubbish. It'll mess with your head and stop you from recovering. Maybe you should think about blocking him?

Wow well done OP!!! And why do these wankers think it’s such a crushing blow to insinuate that we will end up alone? What, you mean I get to live my life in peace with my friends and some pets in my lovely calm home that I own doing what I want, when I want to? Oh dear that does sound spectacularly awful. I would much rather spend my emotional and financial resources on some lump who can’t even be arsed to go for a walk with me from time to time, puts his own needs above mind constantly and makes my life infinitely harder. I mean seriously, being “alone” is a dream.
Society has done such a fucking number on us to make us believe that marriage/cohabitation is what we should aim for. Awesome for the men and their kids who get fed and clothed and housed. Less awesome for us.
Especially when they would NEVER do the same for us and many of them wouldn’t even piss on us if we were on fire.

Wow, he just kept getting worse with everything he said.

@PithyBeaker If all of his crap is out of your house now, there's no reason for you to be disturbed by his messages. Don't hesitate to block him as soon as it suits you.

You have been amazing in what you have done 🌟

Rest as much as you can (I appreciate you have your DS to look after). Whatever helps you find your peace, do it freely 🥰

What a piece of shit!

Is all his stuff removed? I would block him now to be honest.

I understand you will feel sad, but the relief will hit you soon enough. 💐

Hope you are OK OP.