How do I get over affair partner? No closure.

[PinkyBrain290]

I don’t even know where to start with this, but I feel lost, torn and expect to get flamed (rightly so).

I’m married, kids, long-term relationship, kid 30's. In December I met someone through work at an event. It wasn’t meant to be anything, but it turned into a connection, a one night stand and us messaging constantly for 3 months straight. He lives 120 miles from me but we are both remote. He landed a job in a town by mine and said he wanted to continue meeting. We met for a drink in January, kissed but nothing more than that. We have only slept together once, and for me that wasn’t casual, I've been with DH for 18 years. AP did initially tell me he was single, but it then unraveled he wasn't and had always been with the mother of his children. When I found out he apologised, said he was scared of what I would think etc "because he liked me".

What messed with my head is that AP was very hot and cold towards the end. One minute it felt like there was something real there, the next he’d pull away. He was also in a serious relationship with 2 children. I think that inconsistency made me want it more.

It all came to a head when I ended up telling his wife. He told me they were planning a wedding... and didn't have sex anymore. I told his wife because I got fed up of the hot and cold. We were supposed to be meeting up in March and when it got to the day of him travelling over, he said his manager wanted to take him out and he wouldn't be able to see me until about 10-11pm at night, but that's when it dawned on me that to him it was sex only. He was in my area for two nights, the first night we could have met for a drink but it was the day before his first day at work and I did feel like it was just general excuses.

Anyway telling his wife to be was a huge reaction on my part and I regret how I handled it. Since then, he’s blocked me completely. No closure, no conversation, nothing (obviously). I blocked him on Instagram and he blocked me on all other platforms.

And now I’m just… stuck with it. It's been over 4 weeks and I'm just not over it.
I can’t message him even though it was wrong. It's like a drug. I can’t get answers. And somehow that’s made it worse. It’s like my brain keeps going over it, trying to make sense of something that’s already done.
What’s confusing is I know I wouldn’t have left my family, and he wouldnt have either.

Ive told my husband everything. Hes upset and wants to make it work with me, however now I’m grieving something that was never really going anywhere.

It’s been hitting me in waves. I’ll be fine, then suddenly I’m crying. It's been over 4 weeks and I've done nothing but secretly cry all weekend.

Ive stupidly looked at his partners social media and it looks like they're staying together so I don't know what rubbish he has told her, however I know I'm wrong.

I guess I’m asking:

• How do you get over someone when there’s no closure?
• Is this just a case of time doing its thing?
• Has anyone else had something like this that felt huge at the time but eventually just… disappeared?

I feel ridiculous even writing this but I'm spiralling and I just want to speak to him - it's bonkers.

I’m really not sure what you mean by your comment about him and his partner staying together… you and your husband are also staying together! You’ve both fucked up and you’re both now talking rubbish.

Your closure is that it was an awful mistake and it could have cost you your marriage and family, that really should be all the closure you need. Beyond that if you are still desperate to talk to him then you need to leave your husband rather than even let him believe you want to stay. He deserves better.

Do the decent thing and leave your husband. You don’t love him.
of course your affair partner only wanted sex.

Mid 30's that should say *

You're married, what are you playing at. You don't want to leave your family. He doesn't want to leave his. You've now told his wife and your husband and you're both very lucky they appear to be willing to try move on from it.

He was obviously only using you for sex and just not that into you. What sort of closure do you need or think you deserve from this absolute shit show?

Maybe stop thinking about yourself and start focusing on your marriage and making amends with your husband. If you can't do that then leave him to find someone who will treat him better.

I’m sure that you can find another almost married man looking for an affair.

Or you could concentrate on your family. Work on the reason why you decided to cheat on your husband and children. That would be a good distraction.

Can someone please tell me it's just some kind of mid life crisis

It's just consequences isn't it. Yes I'm sure you're a bit upset but if involved with a cheat they will mess you around too as well as their dp.

What about work, friends, hobbies? Can you try a bit of distraction? You're fantasising about a relationship that wasn't anything. Just draw a line, try and focus on your dh before he gets sick of the situation. Do you want to stay with your dh?

You’ll get crucified here and I’m not going to comment on the rights and wrongs but the hot and cold dynamic and intermittent reinforcement is a hell of a withdrawal. Given you only slept together once and he went hot and cold, that was him winding it down gently but keeping you on tap when it suited him. Having withdrawn from that dynamic myself, without the affair part, I’d say it took me six months to get over it. Part of it is accepting that that is their manipulative behaviour and you have to do what’s best for you. Especially since he lied about his situation.

To be fair you telling his wife is the closure, that is a nuclear closure option especially as he had gone hot and cold. Blocking each other is about as much closure as you are going to get. Were you trying to force his hand when you sensed his uncertainty? I’d highly recommend chatting through with a therapist as you’ll have a dynamic where you are grieving something which was profound to you but can’t discuss it if you decide to stay in your marriage.

Closure isn’t really a thing in my view, and it’s not something you are entitled to. What it sounds like is you want it to stop hurting. It hurts because it is incredibly painful to put yourself in such a messy situation and to get the completely predictable outcome that happened.

Tbh I don’t know what answers you want that you don’t already have? He wanted sex with someone outside his marriage for some reason of his own, he got it, he values his marriage more than a one-off sex date, you won’t see him again.

I had a situation seven years ago. I still think about him every day but it stopped hurting a long time ago. The pain will go away after a while. Distract yourself with something less messy and shameful. Friends? The pub? Couch to 5k? Work?

Your closure should be that you love your husband, you’ve realised what an epic mistake you’ve made, and you want to spend every waking moment ensuring you don’t lose what you have because it’s worth more than a three month dalliance that’s mostly in your mind.

It doesn’t seem like you are there. And I think that’s the part you need to address. The brain is really good at just wanting something that immediately feels good, however harmful - that’s why people drink and take drugs and gamble. But as with the recovery for anything that feels good as is harmful, you have to own it, look it in the eye and choose every day to do better and be better.

That’s the only way you move anywhere isn’t it? You look at where you are and decide to make better choices because the future, however hard it is to achieve, is better than where you are right now. Why can’t you or won’t you make them? What’s keeping you in this place?

Grow up and act your age. Your behaviour is appalling. Do your husband a favour and leave. He deserves better.

Time will heal. You are undoubtedly one in a long line of past and yet to be OW. I know someone who only left her H after the FOURTH OW contacted her.

‘ I never told you about xyz because I like you so much’ has to be one of the oldest lines in a manipulative, lying man’s handbook.

Hopefully in time you will see this man for the small, lying man he is.

You and your H have a rocky road ahead of you.

Oh dear OP. Be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes and seek happiness in the wrong place sometimes. Or most of us do anyway if we live long enough. It will take you a lot longer than 4 weeks to get over it I think. He's blocked you so you'll have to take that as your closure. You fell for him, but he wasn't what you needed him to be in the end. He was just a shit! Try and mend things with your husband if you want to stay, but wanting another relationship was maybe a sign the marriage is over? Be honest with yourself.

well maybe a therapist could?

maybe you need to see a therapist individually and together with your
husband. Tbh you might have ended up with no choice but to leave your family so you’re lucky your husband is being understanding. You’re clearly not happy on some level, even if you’d say you want to stay with your husband. You need to focus on what is real.
the affair partner, his persona, any fantasy future you played in your head… it’s not real. He’s shown you that. You know that. What is real is your family and marriage. You need to find a way to either stay together happily
or separate purposefully to find what you’re looking for/missing currently.

Sounds like a bit of a shit show. Your affair partner was a liar and a cheat. He wasn’t even honest with you about his wife/long term partner. He undoubtedly does this sort of thing a lot and it sounds like you saw it as far more than he did.

closure is the acceptance that you are both going your separate ways.

Thank you for all your replies. I will read through them all properly shortly, I just want to add, we spoke every single day for 3 months from the day we met. I think that's why it hurts so so much.

You only found out he was happy with a dp at the end?

You're crying because you feel regret for what you did. It's the most painful emotion it's possible to feel, that's why in medieval depictions of hell and purgatory, regret is compared to physical torture.

However, you're not alone. Lots of us have done it and survived the torture of guilt and regret and the pain does fade.

My DH bought a book about recovering a marriage after there's been an affair. I wish I remember what it was called and who by. It said that the person who did the affair has to work hard everyday to regain that trust. It described trust as a heavy ball you carry up the stairs and when you drop it you have to go all the way back down to lift it up again.

Lots of mumsnetters will say it's impossible to rebuild the marriage but it isn't. It's very very hard though and you will rightfully have to do 95% of that work.

I'm not taking any pleasure in your upset op but it never ceases to amaze me when fling partners are surprised when the cheats then treat them badly too.

What about your dh, how are you making it up to him?

Probably not as much as your husband and rhe other wife are hurting.

I can’t get answers.

He's a cheat who told you a pack of lies. That's about it really. What other answers could there be? The whole thing was a charade on his part. It sounds like you believed everything he told you and are now shocked that it's turned out he was lying to you as well as to his long term partner?

I mean this kindly - you've been very, very foolish and are lucky your husband is willing to work on your marriage. Do you realise that? I think you need to face the fact that the other man has played you like a fiddle and it's time now to completely reassess everything that you think happened.

I havent thought of the AP for years, which is huge progress from the beginning when it was a torturous invasive thought that would pop into my head. But just the other day I thought I saw him in the distance when DH and I was in a bar and I felt barely a flicker of curiosity... you will get to that place one day. It can be done.

Closure comes from within. I have this a lot with OWs, wanting closure from the MM. You'll never get it. You could try individual therapy to process the affair.