How do I get over affair partner? No closure.

[PinkyBrain290]

I don’t even know where to start with this, but I feel lost, torn and expect to get flamed (rightly so).

I’m married, kids, long-term relationship, kid 30's. In December I met someone through work at an event. It wasn’t meant to be anything, but it turned into a connection, a one night stand and us messaging constantly for 3 months straight. He lives 120 miles from me but we are both remote. He landed a job in a town by mine and said he wanted to continue meeting. We met for a drink in January, kissed but nothing more than that. We have only slept together once, and for me that wasn’t casual, I've been with DH for 18 years. AP did initially tell me he was single, but it then unraveled he wasn't and had always been with the mother of his children. When I found out he apologised, said he was scared of what I would think etc "because he liked me".

What messed with my head is that AP was very hot and cold towards the end. One minute it felt like there was something real there, the next he’d pull away. He was also in a serious relationship with 2 children. I think that inconsistency made me want it more.

It all came to a head when I ended up telling his wife. He told me they were planning a wedding... and didn't have sex anymore. I told his wife because I got fed up of the hot and cold. We were supposed to be meeting up in March and when it got to the day of him travelling over, he said his manager wanted to take him out and he wouldn't be able to see me until about 10-11pm at night, but that's when it dawned on me that to him it was sex only. He was in my area for two nights, the first night we could have met for a drink but it was the day before his first day at work and I did feel like it was just general excuses.

Anyway telling his wife to be was a huge reaction on my part and I regret how I handled it. Since then, he’s blocked me completely. No closure, no conversation, nothing (obviously). I blocked him on Instagram and he blocked me on all other platforms.

And now I’m just… stuck with it. It's been over 4 weeks and I'm just not over it.
I can’t message him even though it was wrong. It's like a drug. I can’t get answers. And somehow that’s made it worse. It’s like my brain keeps going over it, trying to make sense of something that’s already done.
What’s confusing is I know I wouldn’t have left my family, and he wouldnt have either.

Ive told my husband everything. Hes upset and wants to make it work with me, however now I’m grieving something that was never really going anywhere.

It’s been hitting me in waves. I’ll be fine, then suddenly I’m crying. It's been over 4 weeks and I've done nothing but secretly cry all weekend.

Ive stupidly looked at his partners social media and it looks like they're staying together so I don't know what rubbish he has told her, however I know I'm wrong.

I guess I’m asking:

• How do you get over someone when there’s no closure?
• Is this just a case of time doing its thing?
• Has anyone else had something like this that felt huge at the time but eventually just… disappeared?

I feel ridiculous even writing this but I'm spiralling and I just want to speak to him - it's bonkers.

Probably seek a couples therapist - you married young - maybe your marriage does not bring you happiness as it once did - you want different things - hence the affair - I am not going to berate you - we are all human - maybe its time to go your separate ways.

Read about limerance, thst will be what you’re feeling, it isn’t real.

Well I’m not going to get him on the thread so I don’t think that’s going to happen.

It was awful. My decisions were selfish and pathetic.

as I said - there were things that helped.

Now my husband and I get on great, have a laugh together and have shared future goals. Maybe he’s playing the long game and will fuck me over but I’m not going to waste time worrying about it now. Time has passed.

What does closure look like in your head? Surely you got closure when you told his partner and he blocked you. You really need to get your head round the fact that was only interested in sex with you.

It sounds like you feel lonely OP ...hence missing his daily contact. Try and remind yourself he was lying so the contact was fakeness. Never a true thing.
The Samaritans used to have an email service so you'd could pour all this out if the service still exists. Maybe journal. Ask your husband for time to talk and closeness. If money allows go for massages or something that reconnects and soothes you.
Work out what's missing and try and solve that problem. He was never the answer...he's no good

I just…. when will people understand there’s nothing “real” about affairs? It’s an affair. A fantasy. A selfish action to give you some butterflies to make you feel special for a few hours every now and then. You looking for something that simply doesn’t exist.

You told his wife, but what about your husband?

I think this sort of thing is pretty common when you've been together since a very young age.

Take it easy OP, it sounds horrible.

Are you seeing a counselor? I think that would be a wise step.

I don't think it's closure on the relationship with this other man that you actually need. You have that - you know that neither of you were intending to leave your partners and he didn't want a deep relationship with you.

I think what you need to do is resolve your guilt about your own behavior and then really dig into your feelings about your marriage. Focusing on how someone wronged us is an easy way to avoid grappling with guilt and shame. But it sounds like you're also unhappy with your own marriage and need to face that; you made a series of choices that very well could have blown up your own marriage and it's time to ask why. Consider the possibility that some of your feelings right now are actually coming from frustration and disappointment with the prospect of your DH and you just moving on and going back to the status quo... those feelings can coexist with relief even if it seems like a contradiction. Find that deep place where the impulses you don't want to say out loud live and ask whether you wanted a reaction from your husband beyond forgiveness and putting it behind you. A counselor is a good place to do that.

What does closure look like? Sounds like you have dopamine addiction. You need to come back to earth as this Cheaty McCheater is not a catch.

I would start by analysing why you are attracted to a known liar. He lied about being single as he assumed (wrongly) that you would find a attached man unattractive / a bit of a saddo.

Analyse why you continued with this knowing he was a liar and no doubt spinning you the boring old married men lines ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ 😂.

What part of you said it was okay to do this? You have a but in your fidelity. I am faithful but not if it’s a work do. I am faithful but only one shag doesn’t count. I am faithful but it’s okay if husband doesn’t know. Why?

what part of you allowed you to overstep the boundary? How did you justify it to yourself at the time. ‘It’s okay husband is laid back and won’t care’ or ‘it’s okay, I have always been faithful and everyone is shagging about’ or ‘I do everything at home I deserve this’. Something in you said it is okay.

Ususlly the ability to cheat stems from poor character traits - people pleasing, low self esteem, requirement for external validation (smoke up the bum), belief you deserve more, addictive tendencies, okay with lying. Can you identify why you gave yourself permission to overstep? It was thousands of tiny choices that led to the one night stand. It wasn’t an accident - you gave yourself permission. Why? You don’t need to answer but you should ask yourself these questions.

You were getting dopamine hits from this affair and that is what is causing your current issue. Have you ever had other addictive tendencies? You need to research this, loads on line about it.

relevant-connections.com/the-neuroscience-of-affairs-why-cheating-can-be-a-chemical-addiction/

The book - by Glass - ‘How to help my spouse heal from my affair’ is a great starting point.

Cheating in a nutshell by Mitchell may help you come back to earth with a bump.

Be aware your husband may change his attitude soon. That’s why the books should’ve read asap. Shock may lead to anger and then to disgust. It often takes 3-5 years to steady the ship and then the spouse often realises there is a huge issue as the personality traits of the person in front of them aren’t great. Infidelity can cause a form of PTSD called PISD. I know two people who committed suicide as betrayed spouses - it’s serious.

Do not trickle truth. Don’t contact cheaty Mccheater at all. Stop going into his SM (this will prolong the feeling). All will likely destroy your marriage further.

As for closure your were duped by a cheating cheater. It’s what happens. They lie to get laid. It’s a ten a penny cheat who wanted a shag but chose his wife when it came to the crunch. The difference is YOU KNEW he was a liar, who was happy sneaking about putting his spouses sexual health at risk and you believed his patter. Have you had a HIV test and all other STD check done? You should as not all STDs have symptoms.

Work on yourself and make yourself a good partner. Love is an action, it’s what YOU do, it’s not about how someone makes you feel. That’s limerance/addiction.

This is me venting now so apologies in advance if this makes no sense (exhausted). I don't have one night stands or just sleep around, this is why I'm hurt so much. I thought there was a connection honestly, then he would pull back. Then I'd pull back and he'd come back !!! Regardless, I wanted more than sex. After the ONS he was the one constantly messaging me. I've had limmerance a long long time ago and I feel it's happening again now. I do also have an addictive personality. I don't know how I've got so far in life. I have done really well, but there are a few dark secrets I have with regards to dopamine hits.

it is almost an obsession - I want to reach out to him but it's wrong and will not achieve anything, and most importantly it's not fair on my family

Closure is a made up concept. Unless your husband literally went to get some milk and never came back, in that case you need closure to know if he died or left you. Otherwise you don't need it. You know what happened, that is your closure.

Episode 58 of the podcast Ask the unfaithful

Pinky - keep digging with the dopamine addiction. Why? When? Since when?

You may also want to examine if you lie to your family and yourself to get dopamine hits.

you dont need to answer of course!

Op in all honesty it sounds like you need to get yourself along to some good, reputable counselling to help you work out what's going on here with your emotional regulation, your behaviour and your need for dopamine.

A lot of what you are saying here is contradictory which makes me think you haven't really properly processed any of it, and possibly some deeper rooted issues as well.

OP - you have your closure. You and other man had your fling (and that is all it was - mainly emotional with a ons thrown in). he kept messaging as men love the thrill of the chase, it was not anything more.

You were never meant to tell his wife and he never had any intention of leaving her. You broke the rules of engagement and he has blocked you for doing so. That is your closure.

but now you need to understand what you have done to your marriage.

I know you don’t want to hear this but I really think it was only sex for the man. The only way you can get over this is complete cold turkey. It was a mistake and perhaps filled a gap of something you didn’t know you were missing.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and complaining about closure. Your husband is being flipping decent to want to work through this, you need to put your relationship first if you value it. This will be your only chance to get it right I think.

Closure is when you live in a happy marriage and this man will be but a distant memory.

I think your anger is misplaced. You should only look to yourself OP for answers and not AP or his wife. And what of all the children caught up in this. What a mess.

You can’t seriously be surprised you’re blocked.
For him it was just sex no more no less.
You need to accept that, there’s no more to it.
There’s no more to the story, it’s that simple.

Leave your husband for his sake. Respect him enough to give him the chance to find a woman who isn’t wanting another man and someone who will love and respect him properly

Once again op, this is all about you. What you want, what you thought, what you need. Can you stop, take minute and try to think about the other people involved? His wife, for a start. Where is she to you in all this? Your husband? How does he feature? And this knobhead that you’ve shagged? Can you look at this in the clear light of day and see what and who he is? He had all the excitement, all the flirtation, shagged you…then fucked off? You’ve been played and you still can’t see that?
Your closure is…..you’ve been an absolute fool. Some cock addled twat spun you a line, and you fell for it. You now need to work out what the actual fuck is wrong with you, to behave in such an awful, immoral, disrespectful way. You need to regain your self respect. THAT is what you should be focused on.

Don’t know what rubbish he’s told her??? Same rubbish you told your DH I expect.

Do your poor husband a favour and leave him. Me, me, me.

You're possibly a narcissist to be able to wreck peoples lives so easily. No, the married guy didnt like you as much as you thought. Maybe youre not as attractive as you think? Shock horror! Poor husband...