How do I get over affair partner? No closure.

[PinkyBrain290]

I don’t even know where to start with this, but I feel lost, torn and expect to get flamed (rightly so).

I’m married, kids, long-term relationship, kid 30's. In December I met someone through work at an event. It wasn’t meant to be anything, but it turned into a connection, a one night stand and us messaging constantly for 3 months straight. He lives 120 miles from me but we are both remote. He landed a job in a town by mine and said he wanted to continue meeting. We met for a drink in January, kissed but nothing more than that. We have only slept together once, and for me that wasn’t casual, I've been with DH for 18 years. AP did initially tell me he was single, but it then unraveled he wasn't and had always been with the mother of his children. When I found out he apologised, said he was scared of what I would think etc "because he liked me".

What messed with my head is that AP was very hot and cold towards the end. One minute it felt like there was something real there, the next he’d pull away. He was also in a serious relationship with 2 children. I think that inconsistency made me want it more.

It all came to a head when I ended up telling his wife. He told me they were planning a wedding... and didn't have sex anymore. I told his wife because I got fed up of the hot and cold. We were supposed to be meeting up in March and when it got to the day of him travelling over, he said his manager wanted to take him out and he wouldn't be able to see me until about 10-11pm at night, but that's when it dawned on me that to him it was sex only. He was in my area for two nights, the first night we could have met for a drink but it was the day before his first day at work and I did feel like it was just general excuses.

Anyway telling his wife to be was a huge reaction on my part and I regret how I handled it. Since then, he’s blocked me completely. No closure, no conversation, nothing (obviously). I blocked him on Instagram and he blocked me on all other platforms.

And now I’m just… stuck with it. It's been over 4 weeks and I'm just not over it.
I can’t message him even though it was wrong. It's like a drug. I can’t get answers. And somehow that’s made it worse. It’s like my brain keeps going over it, trying to make sense of something that’s already done.
What’s confusing is I know I wouldn’t have left my family, and he wouldnt have either.

Ive told my husband everything. Hes upset and wants to make it work with me, however now I’m grieving something that was never really going anywhere.

It’s been hitting me in waves. I’ll be fine, then suddenly I’m crying. It's been over 4 weeks and I've done nothing but secretly cry all weekend.

Ive stupidly looked at his partners social media and it looks like they're staying together so I don't know what rubbish he has told her, however I know I'm wrong.

I guess I’m asking:

• How do you get over someone when there’s no closure?
• Is this just a case of time doing its thing?
• Has anyone else had something like this that felt huge at the time but eventually just… disappeared?

I feel ridiculous even writing this but I'm spiralling and I just want to speak to him - it's bonkers.

I’m curious about the fact you says that you don’t know what “rubbish” he has told his partner to enable them staying together when you and your husband are staying together.

is what you have said to your husband rubbish?

To deal with it you need to work out why you behaved as you did and what you do in future to prevent hurting other people.

Tbh there are a couple of bits that make you sound very unpleasant so may be worth exploring that in therapy.

telling his partner when you had no intention of ever leaving your husband (and coming across as if you knew your husband wouldn’t want to split with you) sounds like spite. You happily hurt her because he hurt you. The comment about him telling her rubbish and that why she staying with him also sounds like it has venom attached.

Best to work that out so you don’t risk ending up in the same position again.

What a mess.

Sort your head out OP and remember there is a man, your husband, in pain probably doing the pick me dance for someone who is sat coldly ruminating online about what a victim she is.

Either work on your marriage or have the decency to leave your DH. He has done nothing wrong.

The other man is a piece of shit and gave you your answer when he blocked you on every level. Of course it was just sex. Did you seriously think anything else?

Leave him and his poor fiancée alone, you won't have been the first and you won't be the last. I hope she leaves him and I hope your DH leaves you.

You aren't even sorry.

Well OP, this is a definite case of FAFO.

Putting aside the fact you cheated on your husband, you had a tiff with OM and the consequence of that was.. you ran to tell his wife.
What did you expect would happen?
Oh I know. You thought he would choose you.

Why do you deserve closure.
You have destroyed two innocent people's lives here and all you care of is finding closure.
Go cry me a river.

What closure do you need? Closure is usually about understanding the reason it ended. The reason it ended was because he stopped giving you the full on attention and he was using you for sex. The end.
As for midlife crisis, you're like so many people who are not receiving the attention from your dh/dw as life isn't always like that after years together. It can become mundane and comfortable if nether of you are making the effort for it to be otherwise. Someone came along and flattered your ego. The end.

What is/was missing in your marriage for this to happen? YOU want closure from something YOU done which was wrong, what about closure for your poor husband? You sound really selfish. You’re upset a married man only wanted sex, of course he did, forget talking for 3 months, cake and eat it springs to mind. You’re both wronguns. I’ll be suprised if your marriage survives this to be honest.

shouldn’t you be asking how you repair, overcome the guilt and shame.

Youre in the wrong place if you want a pity party.

They is and will be no closure. You will have to make your peace with that.

Therapy might help you understand your motivations, and hopefully grow enough not to hurt yourself and others so egregiously in the future.

I wish you well.

I think OP that you are mourning something that never really was. You had feelings for the AP that he clearly didn't have for you and despite the daily talks for months he was basically stringing you along. I also doubt this is his first rodeo, you're probably just the latest in a long line unfortunately.

Your DH has agreed to continue the marriage but if you are this upset, are you sure that's really what you want? Affairs don't just appear from nowhere. There must be a reason you were susceptible. I think you need a long hard think about what you really want. You don't have to stay with your husband out of some sort of gratitude, just because he's agreed to stay married.

The pain will pass with time and it will help if you try to focus on the fact that you are mourning a fantasy, not a reality.

We can all easily make mistakes. It's what you do afterwards that matters.

No. It’s just you being a shitty person and partner. Leave your poor husband. You’re still lusting over the colleague.

Closure isn’t something you receive from someone else, it’s something you achieve for yourself. There’s an awful lot in your post about you and your AP, and almost nothing about your poor DH. How about you start there?

If youve had an affair its generally because something is missing in your own relationship.

I don't condone what you've done and I think your husband is within his right to end the relationship.

I'd book into marriage counselling with an experienced psychotherpist who will work with you and your husband to move forward together if at all possible. And figure out how you ended up walking the path you did.

After many years we can all be tempted but its how you handle that temptation. Being aware, acknowledging ok i feel attracted, seeking private therapy for yourself if needed and limiting or ceasing contact with the person you are attracted to. Then telling your partner, I think in that order. So you are presenting there has been a problem but here is how youve squashed it and you'd like to move forward.

But you've crossed a line here and dont really deserve your husband to work with you through this, you've given away any power as such in this situation with your husband. He holds all the cards and as I say is well within his rights to divorce you.

Youve let him down but also breached your own integrity. So you need to deeply understand why you've done what youve done. And that will take some work.

In the meantime you can try writing a letter that will never be sent and read it aloud to yourself many times. It might be 5-10 pages long that takes you 30-40 minutes to read aloud - by writing the story of you and this other man from beginning to end, with how you felt at each point - every mundane piece of information - then edit it for grammar and spelling and read it and re-read it out loud at least 10 times - this will take you many days or even 1 week and might take the power out of it all for you and help you "close the loop" psychologically. Once you read it and it feels boring then its worked.

Youve made a big error. But you can figure out why and try to put things right. Good luck.

OP - with respect - you need to get help. You sound a but unhinged, and/or naïve; and really not self aware.
Guessing you married young? And didn't have much experience dating? Or are you particularly drained by family life/children? Just trying to understand why you seem to be so desperately seeking a distraction and strong emotions that are missing in your life, apparently.
You should really spend some time with a psychologist trying to get to the bottom of what lead you to seek this, and not to end up at the same place again.

And in parallel - I'd really try to understand why you took this in such a dramatic way and acted like a teenager. You spoke online to a man for 3 months, slept with him once - and attached an overblown dramatic significance to it all.

You are married - all of this was an affair, not a relationship. Yet you acted as if you were a woman scorned - all because, apparently, the man "just wanted sex" - while for you that singular physical expedience "was meaningful"??
This was an affair - for both of you. Distraction from your primary relationships. Not some love story.
You need leave the fantasy of what this was behind and understand and accept the reality.
This would be the closure you need.

But I have a feeling that you still want to live in that fantasy - and want to hear from him that he has grand feelings for you, but life/children stan in the way... This way you can feed the fantasy you constructed in your head...

I think you are grieving, your colleague willfully misled you, in essense cat fished you with feelings rather than looks.

that being said the hot & cold would suggest that he did actually like you & was wrestling head & heart. Men sometimes like the idea of the affair & the excitement because ‘ they love the wife but she won’t have sex with me’. But when it comes to it the act of actually cheating messes with their head. This is not all men some have no morals or regard to how much hurt they cause.

did you tell his wife because you could see a future with this man? That will be part of what you are grieving, he has also given you attention, made you feel wanted, things you aren’t getting at home.

do you think you could in time get those feeling back with your husband because you clearly do not want to live life without them.

Be kind to yourself OP, we are after all only human & want to feel loved

It's all me, me, me, isn't it?

You feel hard done by. Imagine how your husband feels.

If you were to meet the OM tomorrow, what questions would you like to ask him?

What are you wanting to know?

I think closure is going to be a combination of things. I agree with others in that you need to identify what is missing in your life or your marriage. Usually it’s excitement, or desire. In long term relationships, these things tend to dwindle. With affairs, you almost become a different version of yourself, or the AP elicits different qualities or parts of yourself.

I would recommend personal therapy. It’s also a loss, and you are grieving.

Id like to highlight to those with little sympathy for the OP in that affairs are actually quite complicated and layered, they’re not ethically right (of course) but shaming and judging someone isn’t going to help them. It is the same as shaming a drug addict.

To the person who called me unhinged, I don't know, probably? I know my reactions and feelings are NOT normal, hence why I've come onto here to get some advice.

I've been with DH since I was 16. It's the only relationship I've had. We split for a year when we were 22 because he fell for someone who he worked with and it broke me, but he soon came back and I wanted to forgive him. I have forgiven him. Now we're 11 years down the line and I'm doing the same thing but I've some how caught feelings for something that was never real???

I never told AP's partner because I wanted to split them up, I got fed up of him blowing hot and cold. I also told him explicitly that I couldn't keep talking to him if we weren't metering up and he assured me we were. I'm confused, hurt, it's been over 4 weeks with no contact and it's really rearing its head with me emotionally.

My husband - I love him, we have the perfect life but I don't know think hr fulfills my emotional needs. I've told him over and over, I feel like he doesn't really listen. He's really laid back.

No, this isn’t a “mid life” crisis. That is word salad bullshit to excuse your appalling behaviour.
All you’ve managed to do is shit all over your husband and also all over the wife of the dickhead you were shagging. Go you! And yet your post is all about you, poor you!
FFS. Leave your husband and get some therapy before you destroy anyone else. What you’ve done is not ok. And no, you do NOT love your husband!

Oh dear. This is going to be harsh but hopefully constructive.

Honestly? I think you've grown apart from your DH and now he's just a familiar port in a storm to you.

You enjoyed the excitement and attention from another man. Your pretending to feel pleased your DH wants you back. You're not surprised about it and i think you even resent him for it.

I think your DH deserves better. I think your tears are for yourself.

Obvs i'm not telling you to chuck yourself under a bus or anything, but i think you need to pull yourself together, stop thinking about yourself as a victim, take responsibility and put yourself in your husbands shoes and those of APs wife. Both these people are sticking with their cheating partners. AP and his wife are making a go of it. Hopefully he's making it up to her somehow. You're still crying and wanting closure ?

Come on OP. Piss or get off the pot. Make a good go of your marriage, stop moping and redeem yourself a bit or leave your DH and be single for a while.

If it wasn’t to split them up then why did you tell her?

You also sound like you are blaming your husband, which isn’t really on.

The closure is the blocking and the silence. That’s is. It’s done. He’s not into you at all.

I feel really sorry for your husband.

I have NC for this. I’ve read your posts OP but not the others as they always go the same way.

I did have an affair. Pre Covid. I won’t bore you with the details but it was stupid. Really ridiculous. I did confess to my DH. In terms of healing I had 3 lots of counselling. I read a lot of books and listened to many podcasts.

in the end it took time. Just getting through each day seemed unbearable but I did. Of course the world kept turning.

But why did you tell his wife? What was your intention if not to split them up?

I do love my husband. I just need help getting over whatever this affair was

And your husband? How was it for him? How is his “healing”?
I ask because it seems everyone who has had an affair twats on about how it was for them, what they went through, what they felt. Very, very few talk about the impact on the person they claimed to love. Which, in all probability, is what enabled them to have the affair in the first place. Selfish.

In hindsight I don't know what I wanted to achieve by telling her. I wanted him to hurt. It was really spiteful of me