How do I get over affair partner? No closure.

[PinkyBrain290]

I don’t even know where to start with this, but I feel lost, torn and expect to get flamed (rightly so).

I’m married, kids, long-term relationship, kid 30's. In December I met someone through work at an event. It wasn’t meant to be anything, but it turned into a connection, a one night stand and us messaging constantly for 3 months straight. He lives 120 miles from me but we are both remote. He landed a job in a town by mine and said he wanted to continue meeting. We met for a drink in January, kissed but nothing more than that. We have only slept together once, and for me that wasn’t casual, I've been with DH for 18 years. AP did initially tell me he was single, but it then unraveled he wasn't and had always been with the mother of his children. When I found out he apologised, said he was scared of what I would think etc "because he liked me".

What messed with my head is that AP was very hot and cold towards the end. One minute it felt like there was something real there, the next he’d pull away. He was also in a serious relationship with 2 children. I think that inconsistency made me want it more.

It all came to a head when I ended up telling his wife. He told me they were planning a wedding... and didn't have sex anymore. I told his wife because I got fed up of the hot and cold. We were supposed to be meeting up in March and when it got to the day of him travelling over, he said his manager wanted to take him out and he wouldn't be able to see me until about 10-11pm at night, but that's when it dawned on me that to him it was sex only. He was in my area for two nights, the first night we could have met for a drink but it was the day before his first day at work and I did feel like it was just general excuses.

Anyway telling his wife to be was a huge reaction on my part and I regret how I handled it. Since then, he’s blocked me completely. No closure, no conversation, nothing (obviously). I blocked him on Instagram and he blocked me on all other platforms.

And now I’m just… stuck with it. It's been over 4 weeks and I'm just not over it.
I can’t message him even though it was wrong. It's like a drug. I can’t get answers. And somehow that’s made it worse. It’s like my brain keeps going over it, trying to make sense of something that’s already done.
What’s confusing is I know I wouldn’t have left my family, and he wouldnt have either.

Ive told my husband everything. Hes upset and wants to make it work with me, however now I’m grieving something that was never really going anywhere.

It’s been hitting me in waves. I’ll be fine, then suddenly I’m crying. It's been over 4 weeks and I've done nothing but secretly cry all weekend.

Ive stupidly looked at his partners social media and it looks like they're staying together so I don't know what rubbish he has told her, however I know I'm wrong.

I guess I’m asking:

• How do you get over someone when there’s no closure?
• Is this just a case of time doing its thing?
• Has anyone else had something like this that felt huge at the time but eventually just… disappeared?

I feel ridiculous even writing this but I'm spiralling and I just want to speak to him - it's bonkers.

"I am still getting a niggle to message AP and ask him why I meant fuck all though"

Because your relationship clearly meant fuck all to him, and this should not be a surprise to you. He is married. He has a wife. I suspect what's irking you is that you didn't get to be the "winner". I imagine you felt quite superior, being The Chosen One over his poor unsuspecting wife - the one he was with because he wanted to be rather than because he had to be - and then, when the chips were down, he dropped you like a hot potato and you had to face the reality that you were never going to be the winner.

I am still getting a niggle to message AP and ask him why I meant fuck all though.

OP you are a grown woman. Do you really not understand how some adults can have s*x and it means nothing? Really? You were a drunken one night stand. He kept messaging you because it gave him an ego boost. You feel rejected and it stings but you will get over it in time.

You really need to be focusing on your marriage now. People in happy marriages dont cheat. They alos dont become love sick and obsessed with a one night stand. I believe you love your husband but I dont think you are in love with your husband. Does he even care about your affair? Was he angry? Jealous? It seems he was too quick to forgive and forget. And you seem to not care at all about the damage you've done to your marriage. Or maybe neither of you care enough about each other for an affair to matter?? You sound like a couple who are only together because its comfortable amd youre both too scared to split up and be alone for awhile.

Yes it's such self destructive behaviour, why why would anyone even consider asking someone why they meant 'fuck all'?!

I can tell you it's a bowl of soup but it won't make any difference.

I should have told him to piss off when he tried it with me, but I was weak. I don't know why I fell for it. I must be unhappy deep down. I don't know why I get obsessed in all honesty. My husband is naturally distraught and I don't want to lose him.

You are still playing the victim ("I fell for it") instead of taking responsibility for your own actions.
If you don't want to lose your husband, get yourself into therapy NOW.

Thing is no matter what the OP says or does it her DH wants to see her as the victim he will.

When my affair imploded I was blamed, my AP was 'lost' and I 'preyed' on him.

People will only see what they want to see. And if OP and her DH want to depict her as the victim of her own affair then in my experience they will, quite happily.

But does her DH know she is still pining after her AP?

I'm willing to bet he doesn't.

Totally agree. Course not. He'll have been fed the 'i made a mistake' 'he meant nothing' 'he came on to me' nonsense.

But even if @PinkyBrain290 is unprepared to tell him the truth, she needs to start telling herself the truth. Otherwise this will all just happen again with someone else. (Although maybe that's what she actually wants deep down.)

Yes, you're probably right. I totally agree she needs therapy.

If you cared about your husband and felt had you wouldn’t give a flying fuck about this other man you wouldn’t want to know or need to know why he dropped you because you wouldn’t care about anything but your husband but there’s more emotion when you talk about the affair. I’d leave your husband because the next man that wants to sleep with you you’ll go.

“I should have told him to piss off when he tried it with me, but I was weak. “

Here’s where you put the full stop. Yes you should have, and yes, you were weak.
But why? Find out.

“I don't know why I fell for it.”
Why? Find out.

“I must be unhappy deep down. I don't know why I get obsessed in all honesty. “
Why? Find out.

“My husband is naturally distraught and I don't want to lose him.”
‘Distraught’ barely covers what he’s feeling.
If you genuinely don’t what to lose him, you need to find out the answers to your ‘why’s.

If you don’t explore why you did this, or why you were ok with lying, deceiving, gaslighting and obsessing, you are still susceptible to the next idiot who provides whatever it was that this sudden recognition, validation and flattery provided.
Hand-wringing and declaring that you ‘don’t know’ keeps you stuck where you are.
You seem to want a magic wand, not advice.
Getting into a mess like this takes years of gradual sliding and avoiding. If you don’t know the answers and aren’t prepared to do the work to find out, you won’t get any happier. It’s going to take a lot of personal work, introspection and self awareness to turn this around, not a bunch of random opinions on Mumsnet. There just aren’t enough of us monkeys on the typewriters to magically come up with the entire works of Shakespeare for you.

If you really don’t want to lose your husband, read this. It’s by an American poster called “DaddyDom” on the Affair Recovery website, he had an affair and it’s about what a betrayed spouse who wants to stay in their marriage really needs from the unfaithful spouse in order to heal. This guy made a mess of trying to fix things after his affair and realised why. He knew he finally needed to get honest with her and with himself.

“My spouse had no part in this. This was my shit-show the entire time.
Part of "the lies I told myself" (a great book title, no?) was that my spouse had anything at all to do with the affair, the aftermath, or the recovery. No, my spouse was the victim, collateral damage, and she was simply doing her best to stay alive after being stabbed in the back and left in the gutter, by me. This was my show, from the get-go. There was nothing my wife needed to "get over" or "forgive" or do or say for my benefit. I spent years trying to manipulate her actions and decisions in order to achieve the outcome I wanted. The truth was, my behavior during reconciliation was in many ways the same as it was during the affair. I was dictating what I wanted/needed from her and doing all I could to make it happen, she was just responding to my continued selfish behavior. Her actions were responses to my actions. I continued to be selfish, and so she continued to be hurt by that. As long as I continued to be selfish, she continued to be hurt, and internally pulled further away from me. I had no idea that I was still "driving the bus", and convinced myself that just being worth me is what she wanted. All she really wanted was to stop hurting, and for me to stop being the one hurting her.
Takeaway: Your spouse doesn't need your love, your apologies, your excuses, your reasons. What your spouse needs is your honesty, your integrity, your remorse, and your empathy. More than anything, they need for your selfishness and "the fog" to go away. There is nothing that your spouse "needs to do" for your benefit. In fact, if there is to be any hope or reason to build a new relationship together, it must come from you to begin with. Your spouse feels as if they trapped in a meat grinder and are doing everything they can to stay away from the blades. You can help the most by simply turning off the grinder, which is you.”

The fog he refers to is the shroud of self-protection and victim mentality of the betrayer.
Get your head out of the fog and get honest with yourself OP.