It isn’t ’almost an obsession’, OP, it is an obsession.
Addictive personalities can get into affairs and it quickly becomes a drug, (because nearly all affairs are just that, a huge dopamine hit which adds secret excitement to everyday life) which is hard to give up.
The affair was propping you up and making you feel good and now it’s gone, you’re left with an empty void which you were using the affair to fill. You miss the excitement, having something to think about. He represents the feelings, the infatuation, the fantasy. You don’t miss him, he could have been anyone you found attractive who flattered you, you miss how the whole thing added a thrill to your life. You relied on this to make you happy each day instead of relying on yourself to do so. Daily messaging for three months was part of the obsession. Now it’s abruptly gone. You are effectively in withdrawal.
From the Emotional Affair Journey website:
“So, what is affair withdrawal?
Affair withdrawal is the emotional and psychological distress that occurs after ending an affair. Similar to breaking a chemical addiction, it involves a detox period where the brain and body adjust to the sudden loss of intensity, secrecy, and stimulation.
Affairs spike your brain with dopamine—the same reward chemical triggered by gambling or drug use. Ending the affair cuts off that supply, leaving your brain confused, foggy, and craving the connection—even if it logically makes no sense.”
You can’t get ‘closure’ from this now, because it was never a real relationship and he’s gone for good.
Considering what you both did, you are very fortunate to still have your spouse and him his fiancée. The nearest thing you got to closure, was when you decided to tell her and he blocked you. It was more of a slamming shut than a closure to be honest and there was never going to be any other outcome than an abrupt about turn by him.
I think you just don’t want to feel this way any more, obsessing pointlessly (this really is pointless) over something that was actually but a huge connection, it was a bloody terrible thing for you both to do to your husband and his fiancée. You’re adding huge insult to injury for your poor husband who I bet has no inkling that he’s still mentally being sidelined and thinks this is all over and that you’ve re-committed to him. Mentally you haven’t, you’re still elsewhere.
You’re mooning after a fantasy, both he and it were not what you’re dressing it up as.
OW do this a lot on here, in denial about the true, actual part they’ve played in the cheating man’s life and astonished, despite knowing he’s a liar, that he’d lie to them, too. They thought they were chosen, more special to him than his wife, his saviour and soulmate and other such crap. They are reeling with the shock that everything they were worried they might have become, every doubt they ever had but pushed hastily aside, has come true. They are more often than not a bit-player, an extra, superfluous to the plot of his real life and whose removal does nothing to alter the course of it and was never going to, no matter what his script was.
There could never be a real connection because that wasn’t on his shopping list, he wanted something that meant nothing to him other than an ego boost, easy novelty sex and a boredom killer before he got married.
The bollocks he’s told his wife will be right up there with the bullshit banquet he fed you.
He just doesn’t want to know, just like the vast majority of cheating men when they get found out, you eventually or abruptly get dumped, no matter what he’s told you. You’re left with the limerance/ obsession and wondering how the hell he can just block you like nothing happened. He can block you because to him, nothing much happened and he hasn’t lost anything that he really cares about. He’s made his choice, although to him there never actually was one.
Stop wondering, he’s probably furious with you for telling his fiancée and feels that he’s well rid of you. Nobody wants to hear that they got played, but this guy was playing a game. Lure you in, succeed in getting you to have sex with him, then retreat when it looked like you wanted a romantic connection, to show you that what has started isn’t a relationship that can go anywhere. When you go quiet, he enjoys this game so pursues to make sure that when he snaps his fingers you’ll be there. It’s all a game to him. I think you knew that when you told his fiancée. Nothing but rejection and anger could ever have come from that, the second you did it you got closure, your knew there was no way back.
You say you love your husband and have been honest with him. Mooning about what has ended isn’t being honest, he’d be devastated to find that out.
If you really love your husband you’ll treat this like a drug withdrawal and put all your thoughts and energy where it always should have been, with him.
You don’t need closure OP, it’s over. You need to accept that and move on, showing your husband that you can be trusted and that this other man has been left in the past.
There’s no magic wand, just remove the drama from it (it’s not a huge romance, or lost love) you messed up badly and had extra marital sex with a guy who wanted nothing more from you and has exited your life. That’s it, nothing more. The messages etc were just part of the fantasy and game you wee both playing.
Nobody here can say anything to remove these thoughts from your head, you’re the only one who can do it.
Ask yourself if you really want to though. You don’t seem to want to ask yourself, you’re asking randoms here to give you a way to stop it. It’s your responsibility to stop the obsessing.
I think you’re afraid of stopping the obsession, because you’re scared that the reality is that you have nothing in your real life to replace it with. This isn’t your husband’s problem or a marriage problem, it’s a you problem. You have a void within you that needs exploring and filling with healthier things than dopamine hits from drugs, alcohol, sex with strangers or whatever your choice is.
Discuss what you and your husband want from the marriage going forward and get honest with yourself about whether or not you really do want him. He’s your husband, not an optional extra to fill the gap where a real, loving, honest relationship should be.
Don’t look to him to meet all your needs, no one person does. We should all meet our own needs and support our partners to meet theirs. Nobody can be all things to all people or even all things to one person, so if you are unhappy don’t automatically blame him or the marriage, look within first.
You are responsible for your own happiness, your husband isn’t. Time for some introspection and self awareness OP. The longer you keep up cold turkey, the sooner this will fade, but cold turkey also means getting on with your life and getting self-aware, without navel gazing about a cheat you slept with who is long gone.