How do I get over affair partner? No closure.

[PinkyBrain290]

I don’t even know where to start with this, but I feel lost, torn and expect to get flamed (rightly so).

I’m married, kids, long-term relationship, kid 30's. In December I met someone through work at an event. It wasn’t meant to be anything, but it turned into a connection, a one night stand and us messaging constantly for 3 months straight. He lives 120 miles from me but we are both remote. He landed a job in a town by mine and said he wanted to continue meeting. We met for a drink in January, kissed but nothing more than that. We have only slept together once, and for me that wasn’t casual, I've been with DH for 18 years. AP did initially tell me he was single, but it then unraveled he wasn't and had always been with the mother of his children. When I found out he apologised, said he was scared of what I would think etc "because he liked me".

What messed with my head is that AP was very hot and cold towards the end. One minute it felt like there was something real there, the next he’d pull away. He was also in a serious relationship with 2 children. I think that inconsistency made me want it more.

It all came to a head when I ended up telling his wife. He told me they were planning a wedding... and didn't have sex anymore. I told his wife because I got fed up of the hot and cold. We were supposed to be meeting up in March and when it got to the day of him travelling over, he said his manager wanted to take him out and he wouldn't be able to see me until about 10-11pm at night, but that's when it dawned on me that to him it was sex only. He was in my area for two nights, the first night we could have met for a drink but it was the day before his first day at work and I did feel like it was just general excuses.

Anyway telling his wife to be was a huge reaction on my part and I regret how I handled it. Since then, he’s blocked me completely. No closure, no conversation, nothing (obviously). I blocked him on Instagram and he blocked me on all other platforms.

And now I’m just… stuck with it. It's been over 4 weeks and I'm just not over it.
I can’t message him even though it was wrong. It's like a drug. I can’t get answers. And somehow that’s made it worse. It’s like my brain keeps going over it, trying to make sense of something that’s already done.
What’s confusing is I know I wouldn’t have left my family, and he wouldnt have either.

Ive told my husband everything. Hes upset and wants to make it work with me, however now I’m grieving something that was never really going anywhere.

It’s been hitting me in waves. I’ll be fine, then suddenly I’m crying. It's been over 4 weeks and I've done nothing but secretly cry all weekend.

Ive stupidly looked at his partners social media and it looks like they're staying together so I don't know what rubbish he has told her, however I know I'm wrong.

I guess I’m asking:

• How do you get over someone when there’s no closure?
• Is this just a case of time doing its thing?
• Has anyone else had something like this that felt huge at the time but eventually just… disappeared?

I feel ridiculous even writing this but I'm spiralling and I just want to speak to him - it's bonkers.

He cheated and you cheated but somehow you still think sympathy ought to lie with you.

Decide whether you actually want to be with your current partner or you don’t? Either way is fine but just don’t continue to live like you’re a victim with no agency in your own life. You are inflicting more damage by playing some sad, pining heroine. If your life isn’t right, own it, be honest and make plans to move on but stop trying to shit in other peoples nest because it won’t end well

Agreed ,self pitying nonsense abounds.

You really need to concentrate on your marriage or you might find while you are fretting over this tawdry tale your husband is getting his ducks in a row

I feel really sorry for the woman whose life you dropped a bomb on. It’s grim. Grow up.

Is it not you’re not reaching out as you can’t he has blocked you on everything rather than you’re being noble?

it was clear you wanted more. It’s also clear he didn’t. It sounds to me like he got caught up and had a one night stand, likely after some booze at a work event, and then as much as there was chatting, nothing further happened. Past a kiss at a meet up. You kept trying to force him to meet with you and progress rhis.

I’m not sure I beleive some of the stuff you’re writing. For example I don’t beleive for one moment you told your husband. I don’t think he knows, and I think you just are desperately trying to think of a way to get him back even stalking their social media hoping to see signs they split.

I think she did the right thing telling his wife. She did it for the wrong reason. But the wife needs to have STD checks asap and by giving her agency she can now do that.

Tbh it’s probably the only good thing in the sorry situation as Mr Cheaty may be a serial cheater with an STD.

I agree that the wife should know what a kind of man she is married to.

But doing this out of spite and for her own gain is just another level of deceipt.

Who says Karma is not a thing.

Agree. What an absolute me me me self pity party she’s throwing for herself. I’m always for the wife knowing she’s married to a cheat night OP has only done it to be vindictive and to throw a grenade. If he’d continued shagging her on demand she wouldn’t have said a word to the wife.

Agreed. She didn’t tell the wife to be a good girls girls or was worried about STDs. She dod it because he wouldn’t respond and wanted to hurt him and force him to do so.

Completely off topic..

How did you edit your post?

I cannot for the life of me figure out how to edit. It is not an option when I click those three dots anymore.

I made a spelling error in my post, and I just know the Spelling Police are going to go after me 😶

"Addictive Personality". That old chestnut. You messed up OP, own it, move on, and have some sympathy for your husband.

I have done really well, but there are a few dark secrets I have with regards to dopamine hits.

Are you a high-functioning cocaine user? If you already have tendencies to limerence, that drug is the last thing you need.

it is almost an obsession - I want to reach out to him but it's wrong and will not achieve anything, and most importantly it's not fair on my family

Be honest with yourself though — if he were still up for being reached out to, would you set aside what’s fair on your family?

I think individual therapy might be of help to you. Or at least livingwithlimerence.com.

Oh god this sounds so familiar. His name wasn’t Ian was it?

So just to recap. A man that you knew had a partner and kids only wanted you as an obliging bit on the side and you were surprised? You then told his partner because you wanted to be spiteful and teach him a lesson? He then drops you like an insignificant stone and you were surprised again? OK.

Three dots on right hand side of your post. Can only edit for a short while though, then the option goes.

Thank you. But that option is just gone for me. How strange. Even right after posting, I was not able to edit.

Anyway, OP although I don't think the thread has gone the way you think it was going to, I hope you are able to take some of advice given.

No worries :). How strange? I click the top three dots and the edit button is at the bottom. 99% I do it for spelling too! I think there might be a bit of a time limit though as I think you have to do it almost right away or the option isn’t available?

OP, you need to stop trying to find an easy answer to this, like 'mid life crisis' or 'addictive personality '. I'm sure you're feeling absolutely wretched and I have some sympathy. But you need to get yourself into therapy - you need professional support to understand your own thoughts and behaviour.

You say yourself you have a dark history involving dopamine hits. You have to understand what is behind that, including this recent behaviour, which could have wrecked several people's lives. There is no such things as pushing a button marked ''closure' and then moving on. You have some hard, painful work ahead of you, and you need to make a start

The other man just used you for a shag. He's a lying cheater and he's worth nothing. You need to invest your energy in yourself and your own family

In telling his partner, you knew you were ending any budding romance. It was a vengeful, nasty move intended to cause pain and give you a moment of power having felt he'd robbed you of it. Of course he wants nothing to do with you now. Be grateful your partner still does and focus on that.

I went for an STD check a few weeks ago and it's clear. I just want the pain to stop. I agree with you all it's unfair on my DH. I was stupid to think the other man ever had feelings for me, despite him telling me he did & drunk messaging me saying it's not fair I'm with my husband blablabla. In hindsight I think he has form for cheating, but so do I after this.

Logically I knew ALL of this wrong, but it was almost like I couldn't help myself which sounds absurd.

'Logically I knew ALL of this wrong, but it was almost like I couldn't help myself which sounds absurd.'

THIS is what you need to unpick in therapy. What was it that compelled you to act in this way, that meant logic went out of the window. I've been in therapy for a long time on and off. Its been bloody hard work, but I understand myself so much better, I am so much kinder to myself and to others, I have so much less shame and blame and judgement towards myself and others now. I can't recommend it enough

I do think you would benefit from a bit of counselling to find out what is at the root of all this. It would also serve the purpose of showing your DH that you are taking this seriously.

It's a beautiful day, I've got this week off work to be with my DC's over Easter, and I'm sitting in the garden welling up yet again. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just want the pain to stop. I'm so scared to start therapy but I know it's needed.

From the outside my and DH are really successful and have the most lovely life which I know anyone would kill to have, yet on the inside I'm crumbling. This has really triggered something off and I don't get it. I will start therapy and I'm so scared what it will bring up.

You’re doing great so far in admitting that you need therapy even though you’re scared of it.

Think of it like fitness for the mind. Before you get into it, it seems daunting. Once you start to feel the benefits you’ll wonder why you ever let yourself get unfit.

You are asking a lot of yourself to get over something that intense in a few weeks. It may not have been going anywhere, but it’s triggered emotions in you that need unpicking. Therapy sounds like a good idea.