How do I get over affair partner? No closure.

[PinkyBrain290]

I don’t even know where to start with this, but I feel lost, torn and expect to get flamed (rightly so).

I’m married, kids, long-term relationship, kid 30's. In December I met someone through work at an event. It wasn’t meant to be anything, but it turned into a connection, a one night stand and us messaging constantly for 3 months straight. He lives 120 miles from me but we are both remote. He landed a job in a town by mine and said he wanted to continue meeting. We met for a drink in January, kissed but nothing more than that. We have only slept together once, and for me that wasn’t casual, I've been with DH for 18 years. AP did initially tell me he was single, but it then unraveled he wasn't and had always been with the mother of his children. When I found out he apologised, said he was scared of what I would think etc "because he liked me".

What messed with my head is that AP was very hot and cold towards the end. One minute it felt like there was something real there, the next he’d pull away. He was also in a serious relationship with 2 children. I think that inconsistency made me want it more.

It all came to a head when I ended up telling his wife. He told me they were planning a wedding... and didn't have sex anymore. I told his wife because I got fed up of the hot and cold. We were supposed to be meeting up in March and when it got to the day of him travelling over, he said his manager wanted to take him out and he wouldn't be able to see me until about 10-11pm at night, but that's when it dawned on me that to him it was sex only. He was in my area for two nights, the first night we could have met for a drink but it was the day before his first day at work and I did feel like it was just general excuses.

Anyway telling his wife to be was a huge reaction on my part and I regret how I handled it. Since then, he’s blocked me completely. No closure, no conversation, nothing (obviously). I blocked him on Instagram and he blocked me on all other platforms.

And now I’m just… stuck with it. It's been over 4 weeks and I'm just not over it.
I can’t message him even though it was wrong. It's like a drug. I can’t get answers. And somehow that’s made it worse. It’s like my brain keeps going over it, trying to make sense of something that’s already done.
What’s confusing is I know I wouldn’t have left my family, and he wouldnt have either.

Ive told my husband everything. Hes upset and wants to make it work with me, however now I’m grieving something that was never really going anywhere.

It’s been hitting me in waves. I’ll be fine, then suddenly I’m crying. It's been over 4 weeks and I've done nothing but secretly cry all weekend.

Ive stupidly looked at his partners social media and it looks like they're staying together so I don't know what rubbish he has told her, however I know I'm wrong.

I guess I’m asking:

• How do you get over someone when there’s no closure?
• Is this just a case of time doing its thing?
• Has anyone else had something like this that felt huge at the time but eventually just… disappeared?

I feel ridiculous even writing this but I'm spiralling and I just want to speak to him - it's bonkers.

for me there was a person i thought i was building a friendship with, but got mix communications about the views of the friendship towards the end no specific reasons why they were saying yes when it seemed they wanted it to be a no, rumour's were i was just a tool for them to use.

sometimes you just have to metapholoically tie it off and accept that you will not get the truth and basically walk away and go cold Türkiye.

yes its not easy but then for me i refocus on my other friendships and build them instead.

but then you were risking destruction of your own marriage too, ?

It's all very cliche isn't it? I think counselling is a good idea so you can decide what you really need and want. I suspect you don't really want your husband but you are clinging on in fear. Closure is a myth you move on by putting things in place to fill whatever gap this man did and keep moving forward.

You did your self a huge favour by blowing it all up and telling his wife as it forced his hand and now you can see that he was never really that into you. He would have continued to keep you on the hook for a long time as nothing more than a bit of an ego boost.

I'm not judging you it's all very sad and a tale as old as time.

No. You don’t. Love does not include doing things that you know, in your heart of hearts, will destroy that person. That is NOT love, it’s bullshit with a pretty label on it.
And your “hindsight” is bloody awful. Where, in all of this, was your thought for his wife? You told her for what? To hurt him, so she was just collateral damage? Did you even consider her? Or your husband?
You wanted to hurt him, but yet again, you gave no thought to anyone else but you.

You do need help op. Because you have a “you” problem.

As soon as his marriage was at risk, he blocked you. I think that tells you all you need to know.
I'm shocked you're pining over him rather than focussing on repairing your own marriage.

excatly so much for sisterhood among women

Yes you told her out of spite to punish him for not wanting more with you. That was a horrible thing to do and you’re still doing it, saying you don’t know what rubbish he told her, when your husband is staying with you, if indeed you did tell him and I’m not sure you did.

you are clearly jealous of her, and wanted this to be a full blown affair at least, very likely dreaming of a future with him, and when you realised he didn’t want that, you tried to split them up.

You obviously don’t love your DH or you wouldn’t have had an affair. If I was your DH, I’d have kicked you out. It was a 3 month fling - you’re sounding like a teenager with her first crush.

I agree. If you needed closure then it is right there. You lashed out to force him to react and respond to you. If he had feelings for you he wouldn't have been able to stop himself getting in touch to express his hurt at your actions. But he wasn't hurt because he had no real feelings for you so blocking you in an instant was very easy for him. He isn't missing you or torturing himself about closure, he's praying to god that you don't turn bunny boiler and he never has to cross paths with you again.

You’re even stalking his social media now to check if they have split up. When he made excuses not to spend time with uou you should have kept your dignity,

stop stalking them on line, you can’t talk to him, he was never into it, he was just flattered and it was sex. But he didn’t want to be with you, he’s marrying her and yes of course they have sex.

you need to move on and deal with your marriage which I also don’t think you want to be in, you’re there for the lifestyle and fear of leaving.

If you really loved your DH you would not have risked losing him OP. I'm speaking with a little experience here. With 1st husband. I'm not judging you .

I think to heal you need to admit this to yourself at the very least.

Once you can see it and admit it you can make decisions about moving forward.

Not much of an attraction if you only slept together once! You were hardly all over each other!

For a start stop lying to yourself you don’t love your husband it’s just the easier option because if your affair partner was still game so would you be and your more cut up now about loosing your affair partner than you are about hurting “ the love of your life” who is apparently “ perfect” but not enough to not be cheated on or have his partner long over someone who only wanted to fuck and have some attention.

You are both in a relationship you clearly had no intentions of leaving
you made a mistake
both partners are aware and have clearly forgiven each of you
now is the time to draw a line under it and move on

end of

I mean not even, it was one time, I assume after some booze was consumed, the second time they met it was a kiss, and the third time the bloke never turned up. He’d two evenings to see her and was making excuses.

he’s paid the price though and shouldn’t have led her on. He must have known she was serious about him,

The fact you told his wife, even though you barely saw this man, shows just how invested you were in having a relationship with him. This was huge to you and all consuming.

im not sure you’re being honest when you say you wouldn’t have left your husband, I think you’d have ran at the chance, you’re now checking her social media to see if they split to see if he’d reach out to you again, and you want to speak to him to see if you can get him back.

he will keep you blocked as it is so unhealthy, bordering on obsession. And you may need help yes.

It’s called karma.

You should be focusing more on how much you’ve hurt your DH, rather than having closure over the affair.

This is why people should always end the relationship if their partner cheats (even if they eventually take them back).
Because as you’ve proven, you have no remorse about the affair and would still jump back into bed with the other guy if he gave you a whiff of attention.

I agree with that but she doesn’t love her husband either way seems to me like he doesn’t furfil her needs so she needs to be more honest with herself and work on herself and her own neeeds/wants before thinking or worrying about other men. I guess she deserves more for her own life too than feeling like this.

We’ve all been there at some point in relationships I’m sure x

This isn’t my thread so it’s probably not relevant really.

He was incredible. He didn’t want to split. We sort of got stronger but obviously I wouldn’t recommend it. It wasn’t just hysterical bonding. Things changed in our lives at that time anyway (bereavement/illness).

this is gonna sound crazy, but watch todays episode of Emmerdale

without going into detail, Rhona explains her feelings that may be similar to what you are experiencing here. Might give you a jolt /thought about things

Have a read up on limerance. It’s not excuse for what you’ve done as will power should override when you are married and have other people’s feelings to consider. But if it is limerance then it’s not real feelings, it can be hormonal driven and obsessive. It will calm down. You need to think of your husband and kids now and be thankful you were forgiven.

I’d like to know his take on it. He paid a heavy price for your choices, whether you want to face that or not.

You found something to distract yourself from your life/problems and now it's gone. You're back to having to face it all. You have two choices, find something else to distract yourself from your life or, accept your life and make changes, so that you feel content and grateful with what you have.

You are in grief OP, you are grieving. Grieving a fantasy. Grieving something that never existed. But the grief, pain and heartbreak that you feel are all real. To get over this, you tell yourself what a lucky escape you had, how lucky you are that your DH wants to stay together, how lucky you are to have your family; you cry in secret; you put it behind you; time will heal.

But you crossed the line in reality though - and that needs dealing with: you need to get to the bottom of why you allowed this to happen, why you wanted it to happen. Maybe your marriage is over but you haven’t been able to realise that yet. Good luck OP.

No it isn’t! Don’t blame your stupid decisions on anything other than having absolutely no moral
compass. The way you are feeling is surely karma for your continued stupid and selfish decisions. Shane on you.