Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

She sounds very rude

Obviously there’s always two sides to every story OP but it does sound as if there is a problem and I would never again buy clothes for your grandchildren. It’s very rude of her to express gratitude to others and not you. Good enough for free childcare but not beyond that, eh?

Having said that, I have a complex relationship with my MIL and I’ve been told her version of events over the years … they do not represent the truth as my husband has been present and knows that’s not how it happened. In your specific case however, it sounds like you’ve tried your best over the years and she has a problem with you and not the other way around. I’d distance myself in terms of present giving and contact and focus entirely on your good relationship with your grandchildren and your son. 🤗

Very rude behaviour especially given she is actually polite enough to send a Thankyou and photos to your brother

Think the best thing is a chat. Perhaps with your ds first. Tell him your observations and ask why she treats you so differently

I think she’s taking advantage and treating you like staff
actually no, staff would be treated far better

Sounds like they expect an awful lot of you and you are taken for granted.
I expect you love being so hands on with your grandchildren. It must be tying and exhausting though.
The situation must limit what you can do in terms of days out and holidays etc.
Maybe give vouchers for favoured stores or ask what toys/ books they’d like for gifts. Could some things stay at your home? If in school they are old enough to make or “ sign” little thank you cards.
She may be jealous of the time that you get to spend with her DC but it doesn’t excuse her behaviour.

Omg you’re the dream mother in law, I’m sorry this is happening to you

Do you mind the children in your house?
can you buy them gifts that stay at your house.

I think your dil is frustrated that you are providing the support she actually needs from her husband. She must be quite lonely and overwhelmed when he is away so much.
Try to be patient with her and enjoy the time with your grandchildren.

It’s very odd. can you tell us more about the gifts? eg if it’s chocolate maybe she doesn’t like them being given sugar. you may be inadvertently annoying her if she’s previously asked for less sugar. It’s a tough dynamic when you’re providing free child care as it’s such a huge favor. it makes me wonder if she feels like she has to bite her tongue a lot, and you therefore have no idea what she’s thinking, meanwhile resentment is building on both sides.

my other thought is your DS was being a bit of a dick with the “talk to the boss” comment. Perhaps she is trying to push back against him for offloading the wife work/ mental load onto her. she may not do this with your brother because she doesn’t need to interact with him as much. with you, there is likely a lot more interaction and so she could just wish your DS handles it.

i think you should try to talk to your son anyone, but in a non confrontational way.

Thank you!
I have tried to be strictly accurate in my reporting.
I don’t see her enough to offend her. It’s only ever quick drop offs and pick ups. I genuinely think she is a great mum and I admire her success at work. The children know this too. She does really well juggling it all with a dh who is away for long stretches. I always follow her directions because I want an easy life.
It’s only recently since these things came to light that I’ve realised that she does communicate with other people and it might not just be her way.

I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I need to have a good think and maybe re set my parameters.

She sounds very thoughtless.
I’d be tempted to say you’ve noticed you never see the kids wearing or eating your gifts, can she send a list of what they like/ need or would they prefer vouchers?
Also your son sounds very hands off/ disinterested in his own family. I wonder if she’s got a bit of disdain for him and it’s being directed at you.
do you enjoy/ want do to so much childcare ? It seems like an awful lot. You’re basically doing your son’s share of his parenting.

I understand your worry about having contact with your much loved grandchildren restricted - but think about it. That would then leave them in a massive hole without the free childcare they take for granted. You have more power in this situation than you realise though I get that you don't want to flex it.

I would say, very cheerfully, next time she's there 'oh, I saw the lovely photo of the kids with their gifts you sent to my brother. I'd love one of them with their gifts! Could you send me one please?' It's not an unreasonable ask.

I wonder how their marriage is going? Like pp said there could be some resentment from her that is really about her husband and marriage. And that whole “ask the boss” would piss me off - and also concern me.

She sounds insufferable
what an unpleasant woman

Are you giving off the attitude to
her and your ds it was because she works that you had to provide care? As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job.. What was your son doing while she’s at work?

You look after your grandchildren so your son can have a full time job. Your son is thanking you for the gifts. If they are being sold, take it up with your son. Your son isn’t sending you photos of the kids. When he says “ask the boss” you tell him to find out and let you know.

Clearly we are all supposed to hate your DIL and your son with his big, important job can do no wrong.

And what @BoredZelda said too…. Ds obviously a hero with shrew of a wife 🙄

Maybe she thinks you're to much you're seeing her kids more then she is. You are essentially the main parent so i assume you are setting the rules and shaping them as people and she probably feels threatened 5 days a week is a lot . Is there not things you would rather do with your life

The children have very healthy diets which I follow to the letter.
However they are allowed Easter eggs and chocolates on special occasions.
I do stick to her food rules as it’s what I did with my own daughters and son.
Just traditional toys eg dolls, dolls clothes, train set, craft kits, collectible soft toys. Decent quality things which aren’t heading to land fill!
Nothing contentious or offensive.

As a MIL with a SIL, she sounds like an entitled, rude cow, who is one of life's takers.

However, you have gone above and beyond and itnsounds as though you have allowed her to treat you as a doormat. I suspect she views you and your ds as a package and that you pick up what he should.

I think you need a frank and open discussion with your son.

This is a good idea.

You sound lovely op. Unless your perspective is way way wrong then it sounds like this is DILs issue.

Giving her the ( massive) benefit of the doubt. I wonder if it's one of several things.

General exhaustion, resentment as being left as the main parent while also working full time. She knows she can trust you and seem to enjoy doing a lot for then children so doesn't feel like she needs to thanks you. In other words she is taking you for granted which would explain why she tries harder with others because she thinks she doesn't need to maintain the relationship with you.

It's also possible that she feels guilty not being as present with the children and because you have stepped into that role, you remind her of her guilt.

The clothes selling thing seems suspect however and I would bring this up. I would ask outright, DGS says you are selling the gifts that I buy them, is this true?

You hold power here. You do sooo much for them, you must have an amazing relationship with the GC that they will remember forever. I don't think it's too much to gently push back. It might make it worse. It might open up a deeper conversation. Pp strategy about asking for photos with the gifts is a good one if you wanted a very softly softly approach.

She either dislikes you or is indifferent to you. Doesnt have fondness for you but that is ok but she is disrespectful and yes you are being treated like staff. You give up 5 days of your life to support the life she wants where child care prices are premium. There is no need to bend every which way to keep the peace. Start stepping back no arguments
or listening to backlash or manipulative statements from him/ her for the help you have provided. A day or two a week if they insist. Give less and you get more respect back.

I wonder if she is jealous and resentful that you get to spend time with her children and she doesn’t. I don’t mean to suggest that it justifies how coldly she treats you but I can see how difficult it must be to see someone enjoying time with your children whilst being in boring teams meetings etc.

I do think perhaps you are being a little unfair to suggest you look after your grandchildren so she can work. Why is it not so your son can work? Generally speaking you do sound like a kind and thoughtful grandparent and both your son and DIL are lucky to have you supporting them. If you don’t feel appreciated and it’s upsetting you then it’s within your power to end the arrangement. I’d certainly start by consulting your son rather than your DIL about things to do with the kids. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t be more involved in arrangements anyway. With regards to gifts I’d ask your son what to get or just ask the children themselves.

Both the son and daughter-in-law benefit from the free childcare. If the DIL is the one who sees OP daily, then DIL should be the one saying "thank you" for the free babysitting, clothing, any other gifts.

What the son should NOT be doing, is talking to his own mother as if she's just an employee and DIL is her 'boss.'

OP is being used badly and it is the fault of both her son and her DIL.

Yep, pretty much this. If she’s not holding a grudge from something that happened back in the early days of their relationship then she’s probably just resenting the hell out of her husband for being gone so much and putting so much weight on her to carry.

Start putting the burden on your son instead of her. Ask him for pictures, insist that he takes part in planning. It sounds like he’s opting out and she’s rightfully fed up.

No amount of frustration justifies extreme rudeness. The fact that DiL thanks OP’s brother and sends him photos (and he’s neither a grandparent or looking after them) shows she’s doing it deliberately.

Maybe she just sees it as your son's job to communicate with you? After all, you are doing him the job of making it possible to be away for long stretches at a time with his work instead of being around to do his part of the childcare, and she is doing everything that you aren't doing (since he is away) on top of her job, so she probably thinks that she's doing enough of the family labour without adding 'managing the mil' to her to do list?