Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

@FallenfairyI would love to have a mother-in-law just like you! Mine absolutely hated me, made my life a living hell, and broke up my marriage.

Could you open savings accounts for each of your grandchildren? You could add to them for birthdays, Christmas, and Easter and give them the funds for driving lessons, university, that kind of thing? You could just let the children know. Or your son. Maybe even say..Tommy said mummy wasn’t keen on the gifts I chose for the children, so I’m saving for their futures instead.

Hi have you considered jusy sending vouchers on their birthdays and for christmas? She does come across as rude and slightly ungrateful. I wouldn't text her anymore and just stick to messaging your son, he can pass the messages on. Xx

I couldn't agree more

A few hours she's looking after them 5 days a week. If thats to cover them working full time its likely she has them 7 until 7 then the parents see them for an hour and put them to bed of course op is the main carer

On a personal level I did always dress my kids in clothes sent by family and take a photo and text it on.

however the clothes weren’t always to my taste (or to my kids taste and they started having Viewsst about 2) so often didn’t get worn much.

i did also do regular clear outs of stuff they had outgrown and sell bundles of clothes (to afford the next lot which usually came from a nearly new sale).

it does sound like your son says thank you and sends photos, and if he’s regularly away for weeks at a time and she’s got a full time job and young kids I feel heartily sorry for her.

yes, ideally she’d reply to your texts and send photos etc etc, but poor woman. She must be run ragged.

I would bet money this is what is going on.

The 'speak to the boss' is actually offloading work onto her which should be jointly his. It should be your son sending photos of the gifts you send. You're HIS mother. Why isn't he?

Even if he's away quite a bit presumably he does see his children sometimes.

Whilst it should really be him communicating with your brother too, as his family, because it's less of a close relationship I can see why your DIL has picked up this task if she knows otherwise it won't get done.

You need to talk to your son, who appears not to be doing his fair share of parenting or family communication even when present.

I have exactly the same. When i was looking after them, the clothes are put unworn on top of a pile of charity shop clothes. Left where I can see them. I now give money to my son for their birthdays and Christmas and don’t buy thing at other times. On the surface she is very pleasant but there is something underneath. In the early days they invited us on holiday a few times and we all got on really well.

The children are Teens now and I am too disabled to travel . My son and the children visit but I have not seen my DiL for 4 years.

i have 8 grandchildren and 3 children, we consider ourselves close. She has cut herself off from my other two children too. I don’t know why but I cannot worry about it. My conscience is clear with regard to how DH and I have behaved around her.

She’s being really unkind to you OP and rude. I’d raise it with your son politely as you have here. You do an outrageous amount for them! She would be absolutely stuffed without your support (which is amazing of you) and this is not ok. It’s also really not ok for your grandchild to have noticed it enough to be commenting on it! What on earth if she is selling the clothing and toys? She’s rude and nasty.

I find this a poor take as someone whose husband is gone 90% of the time. And I don’t get any support from my MIL as she lives too far and has to work full time.

I ALWAYS say thank you to her for anything she sends, have my children call and send photos of them using the items or wearing them. My husband being away means that does naturally fall to me and I’m fine with it.

This is so rude of the DIL who would struggle without the amazing support she gets off her MIL and she’s being shitty in return. It takes moments to say thank you or to send a picture to someone helping their family stay afloat!

DIL ignoring OP's direct texts to her is very rude and unkind. Would she treat a paid nanny so badly? She seems to have no gratitude for all the childcare that OP has done and continues to do now that the children are at school.

OP's DIL seems to resent being beholden to her MIL who is facilitating both her son and her DIL in working full time.

Why don’t you ask for a group chat rather than separate texts. I don’t think my DIL (who I adore) would send a separate text to my son, but we have a group WhatsApp where we share photos and messages.

If she feels her husband should do the nesssging of “his” family, why does she message her husband’s uncle?

Perhaps the OP should be telling her DS to pick HIS own kids up from school and stop taking advantage (assuming the childcare is free - the OP hasn’t stated either way).

she sells your gifts?
i would do as above and set them up a savings account,
or give cash for their birthdays.

i agree, make a group chat.

Well it depends on the messages. If its something like “will drop off at 5pm” then it doesn’t actually need an answer, I’d probably just “thumbs up” but not everyone does.

If its family admin stuff which she could just as easily ask her DS then possibly the DiL is frustrated with being assumed to be the family encyclopaedia on all subjects, most of which her DH can answer.

We always used to manage the comms and questions with our own sides - both busy, both working full time, I was actually doing the longer hours usually. The fact that occasionally I might send something to his family or he might send something to mine did not negate the arrangement.

If the OP has provided years of childcare for free, she has done more than enough for her DGC but its her DS she should be talking to rather than presenting the stretched DiL as the beneficiary.

DS here is benefitting from the unpaid labour of two women who both seem to be frustrated with the other rather than looking at his shortcomings.

I mentioned in my original post that I do not want to be paid.
My son works away for long periods.
When he is home he takes over and does all the child care. He does thank me for what I do. He sends me photos too.
Although my post wasn’t about being thanked.
My two points were briefly:-
1.Is it normal to ignore texts relating to day to day childcare issues?
Eg May Pat take a book into school tomorrow?

2.Is it a usual thing to dispose of birthday presents etc. Even when I checked first and they are the type of thing she buys.

No and no.

He’s working away for long periods.I ask him when he’s here.

I would be delighted with a thumbs up, any response at all. Even an up yours would be more acceptable to me than all this radio silence!

1. no, not if it's a question. That's does seem rude. Although if you are sending then when she is in work it's acceptable to ignore them until home I think, and presumably at that point you are seeing her to hand children over so she can answer in person? When you see her for handover of children do you say 'Did you see my text?'. Perhaps ask if she would prefer communication about the children in a different way. Maybe she would rather you ask her son.

2. I think it's fine to sell / give away things they are never going to use, better someone gets used of them. But weird to always do it. if it's a pattern, and you have been asking her first, maybe you do need to discuss with her - maybe use telling her what her ds said to open the conversation, not in a telling her off / confrontational way but asking her if there's a problem?
   Edited to add actually maybe ask your son if there's a problem, might get a more honest answer. And presumably he also knows what you gave and therefore that it wasn't used.

Taking everything you have written as a whole, OP, the thing that stands out to me is that you talk as though everything you do for your son's family is for your DIL's benefit, not for his.

As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job.

Not a mention of the fact that your son works away for extended periods, enabled by both you and your DIL! Similarly the thanking you and the sending photos - if he is doing those things then indeed I would not expect her to duplicate them.

Perhaps she is overwhelmed by solo parenting for long periods and struggles to keep up with messages, so prioritises your brother (the less close relative) and believes that your son is communicating with you? Perhaps that is the agreement between your son and DIL?

Why are you asking if Pat can take a book? Could you rephrase: "FYI, Pat said earlier he'd like to take a book tomorrow." If she doesn't/can't reply, send a message that doesn't need one.

I think your entire approach to this is being coloured by the idea that you are doing a massive favour for her instead of realising that what you're actually doing is plugging the gaps that your son isn't fulfilling (as evidenced by your own admission that he does lots of childcare when he's at home). When they had children did he tell her that you'd support her while he was away, and is she finding your messages and extra chore instead of seeing them as general chit chat?

I guess my question would be - trying to think of your DIL's motives and behaviour in the very best possible light, what is YOUR assessment of the situation? Are you posting because you want to understand her and continue your good relationship with her?

I wonder if she’s receiving a banal text from you about Pat and a book whilst she’s in the middle of something important at work and inside her head is screaming ‘ask your own effing son about this bs’ . My first thoughts to your op were ‘goodness, that’s quite rude of them’ but the more the thread goes along, the more I’m imagining a mother completely fed up of doing everything whilst her husband enjoys weeks away from it all, receiving texts and just wanting to scream in frustration.
your son lives rather a dream life for a parent of young kids tbh. Away at work, no responsibilities whatsoever for his children, free childcare through his own mother doing a fabulous job whilst he pockets all his earnings, and little problems scooped up by his wife who is also trying to work full time. He returns home to happy kids and all he has to do is play with them at his convenience.
I wonder what the DILs pov is.

This is a much better description of what I was trying to say!

She sounds rude and ungrateful ... but so does your son for letting this go on as well.

You have been literally saving them thousands of pounds over the years, and she's treating you like dirt, and your son isn't much better.

She sounds rude and horrible, I think her and your son are taking advantage of your good nature. I would be cutting back on the free child care you are providing.