Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

Does your MIL do five days a week full time childcare for your children? Because if my MIL had done that I think I'd be able to bring myself to say thank you occasionally, rather than leave it to my husband.

I don't utterly avoid my MIL, we do see each other when I visit with my husband and if she gave me a gift face-to-face, of course I'd say thank you in the moment. I also say to my husband, 'say thanks for X' if she's done something nice and he's seeing her before me.

But I don't tend to text her and I wouldn't be keen to, say, go out shopping and get to know each other. Obviously, if there's an emergency I'd be there, I wouldn't be like 'sorry too shy to take you to hospital! bye!', haha.

I do thank-yous to my own parents, that's completely different - but they do gifting face-to-face, not via others, and my family don't really text each other. I'm awkward, not mean, so of course I see the point of gratitude and thank-yous...but would consider a thanks via my partner to be perfectly OK.

I just tend to avoid getting too close to/embroiled with my in-laws and keep them at a slight distance. Courteous rather than close, so as not to accidentally screw it up. I'm a second wife and they have a very different communication style to me, which adds to things! Does that make sense?

The reason for my comment was to outline a different possibility - it may not be any kind of malice from OP's DIL, just reserve or awkwardness.

@Samamfia tha is for answering! Yes I see that you have your way that works for you & your family. And like you say you do acknowledge gifts & would do if face to face & in the moment.
Shame OP hasn’t come back on to share some more.

I wish you were my mother in law, I'd spoil you.

I’m sorry OP but do they take you for a mug? You kind your grandchildren 5 days a week and you don’t get a present on your birthday nor do you get paid?

I picked up on this from @Fallenfairy

@Fallenfairy is looking after the grandchildren so that DIL can work. Maybe DIL knows that @Fallenfairysecretly thinks DIL should be at home looking after the children? If not, why isn't @Fallenfairylooking after the grandchildren so that son can work?

I dont think DIL likes @Fallenfairy

No idea why. Son will never tell his mother the truth as he appears whipped.

Sit down with DIL and talk it out? <shrug>

First off I want to say you sound like an angel of a MIL and your DIL and DS are very lucky to have you.

Im going to try and be diplomatic here..

Maybe she doesn’t send the photos to you because you are with the grandchildren 5 days a week and just doesn’t feel it necessary and doesn’t even know that it bothers you.

Maybe she doesn’t like the clothes that you buy and that’s why you never see the children in them. in future you could try giving a gift card for the shops that she likes instead?

Not saying thank you for gifts… that is rude but it your DS said thank you in person, then again maybe she doesn’t feel it necessary to say thank you herself. Personally if it were me then I would always say thank you myself, especially if I were face to face with that person on a daily basis.

MIL and DIL relationships can be so complex and I have an awful MIL so I do tend to jump to the conclusion of it always being the MIL’s fault, which is wrong of me. But I can’t see any fault in anything you have said and it seems to me like your an incredibly
hands on and respectful MIL. However There are always two sides to every story and you may have done something to upset her and you haven’t even realised.

Like others have suggested, I would talk to your DS as the first point of call.

I'm really sorry you are being treated like this, you sound very sad. These situations can evolve through thoughtlessness but it can also be that your DS/DDiL are exceptionally selfish and taking advantage. I would suggest you have a heart to heart with your son and explain how sad you are with the situation, find out why this has developed and how it can be resolved. I would also start focusing on and spending more time with other members of your family and more importantly on yourself.

Sounds like an absolute cow, wish you were my MiL.

You sound like a perfect grandma but your DiL sounds like a really awful woman who uses you and takes advantage of your good intentions.
I think you should book a really nice holiday for yourself and give them plenty of notice so she can't complain.
Also you could think about taking up a new hobby/class/yoga/join gym etc on one of the days you normally have the children so she can sort out some other care that day or she can reduce her working days to care for her own children a bit more.
Again, give her/your son plenty of notice. You really be should think about letting your son know of your hurt feelings and her lack of respect. Especially about the texts if you can get him in his own. I doubt they can afford to stop you seeing the children if they've never paid you childcare. Take care of yourself. There is more to life than being a free babysitter. 💐

You are simply now the Grandma on the father’s side 🙄🙄. Grin and bear it. The kids will grow up and be even more fond of you. Keep close to your son. You can’t make his wife do or be anything she isn’t. Just leave her but no more gifts

Do you want to do all this childcare? It sounds exhausting. And tense. she might not particularly like you - but why would your son allow presents from you to be sold? I would ask him about it. He is a parent here too - you seem to have painted him as a hero. Is that true or rose tinted glasses?

I do think there is also a lot on your DIL here. Things might be tense in the marriage if your son heads off for work for weeks on end and leaves his wife to run everything. On the thank you, it sounds like you are placed the wife work burden on your DIL. Lots of women have stopped managing communications for their husbands - is it not enough that your son says thank you? Does your some send thank you photos to his in laws - probably not!

i’m so sorry you are being treated like this, she sounds like a really horrible person. she should be on be bended knee to you, for all that you do for her family. what does your son have to say i wonder ?

You sound like an absolute god send when it comes to looking after the children. Especially saving thousands on childcare.

I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. You wanted some acknowledgement that they got the presents and that they’re okay.
im the same. If I buy a family member something I always say, oh did so and so receive it? Was it okay? If not I can take it back and get something else?
but if she hasn’t acknowledged the gifts and just sold them on. I would be upset by that because you’ve put in a lot of thought and time into these gifts.

personally if it was me, I would take a step back for a few weeks. Just say, I need some time to myself. To be honest, it seems like you have those kids more than their own parents.

it’s not nice to feel unappreciated and it maybe time for them to see how much you actually do. You’re not being over sensitive. You’re hurt and your feelings are valid.

the right thing would be to sit down with her and express your feelings. Then explain, that you think it’s best that you take some time to yourself.

they can’t stop you seeing the grandchildren. That would be unfair. You just need some you time which you’re entitled too.

you’re doing too much and not being appreciated. It’s time to look after yourself now.

They sound thoroughly selfish. I think cut down the childcare, join some womens groups, some exercise classes, take some day trips, painting, read, relax. Tell them you will do one day a week. Selfish f*#cks so they are not even getting you some nice gifts for you as a mother and as a grandmother and not even worthy of responding to a text.

See how they get on without their free childcare, been incredibly lucky and theyve shown you no gratitude. Good for her with her fancy job but shes done it because of you, same with your son working away. None of that would be possible without you.

Id send both of them a link to this thread so they can read how selfish they are.

You sound lovely OP, your DIL however sounds plain rude and lacking in manners. If I were in your shoes I would be taking a giant step back in the childcare department and find a few activities for yourself.

You're a willing horse. Stop being one for this ignorant taker.

Tomorrow, tell her that from 1st May you will not be available, Monday, Thursday or Friday. Text her the message and don't offer an explanation and don't engage.

She won't appreciate the water until the well runs dry. You're in charge of the well.

Interesting that most of the onus is put onto DIL here. What about your son?

They may have relationship problems you have no idea about. It wouod be hard to.feel warmth towards you in these circumstances.

This is some reach even for mumsnet.

Stop presents, open accountants in each childs name, set at date 18, 21 etc, when they reach that date the money is theirs and presents stop, apart from special occasions that you choose. Build the relationship with the kids.you cannot win every battle, but a draw is a decent result.

I’d imagine this also. That said, she should definitely respond to your messages - is she actually receiving them?

Sorry to say but she’s completely taking you for granted and probably views you as her husbands ‘responsibility’. She’s definitely selling the gifts - kids never lie about such things! I’d cut down on ‘working for them’ every day. Even if it was only 4 days and give yourself some time back. I’d also speak with your son and honestly express your disappointment and lay out your expectations- ie a response! It may come to light that there’s an issue there but she just sounds bloody ignorant arse tbh. It’s all very well admiring her and her achievements but at what cost? You really are going above and beyond and it wouldn’t kill her to put them in the outfits she doesn’t like to please you. It’s a sign of gratitude and consideration and basic respect for someone who does so much for them.

I would have a word with your son about it. How you don't feel appreciated, that the gifts the children get are also not appreciated and maybe been sold. I would add in that you now don't even get treated on mother's day or your birthday. Tell him you think it is best to take a step back and take some time for yourself or helping other family members instead for a while. Think he needs to realise how much you do for not much thanks.
I couldn't imagine not replying to my MIL ever especially when it was questions about my children she was looking after. It is not normal at all.

It's difficult to comment without hearing the other side of the story, but I'm not sure some of these behaviours are down to rudeness - they're possibly the result of being overwhelmed. If your son is away with work often and your DIL works a demanding job, is she also covering all childcare (outside of your contribution which is presumably when she's working). What about home care, errands, cleaning, cooking, extra-curriculars for the children etc.?

Modern families need two full incomes to survive, and work/life balance is worse than ever (not to mention the general horrors of the economy and sociopolitical landscape and the drain that has on people). Does she have personal time or a social circle or is she relying on the kids being in bed to get down time (do they actually sleep through the night?). What portion of that 'down time' is actually spent on activities rather than relaxing (washing, eating, resetting school bags and lunch boxes, connecting with her husband)?

One of the first things to go when people are burnt out is interactions with close family - it's likely she sees you as a constant, while there is more pressure to send a quick 'thank you' to distant relatives. She may also just think that your son is doing this, as you're his mother (does she have her own family / siblings to do this for and if so, would your son be the one saying thank you or would it be her - if so, it's reasonable to split this type of communication).

I'm not saying it doesn't come across as rude, but it might be easily explained if you consider those points?

Oh, also, just to add - is it possible the gifts are duplicates? My MIL and Aunt have an uncanny knack of buying things my child already owns or something we've already put away for a gift, as they know them so well. My husband gets quite worried about offending his mum by saying we don't want it so we do have to donate or regift things occasionally (if duplicates can't be sent back to Grandma's house to be used there). After a few years of only receiving duplicates we now use Pinterest boards where we store gift ideas and family choose something from that, or ask if we already have x,y,z...

It's the same with clothes - we ask grandparents to buy at least a size up as I'm a planner, so always already have at least the next size of wardrobe ready (along with the next two years of gifts, usually!). We have a relative who buys the most gorgeous designer clothes for birthdays, but unfortunately gets small sizes (age 2-3 for 3rd birthday when our child is 99th percentile), so they can only be squeezed into once, if that.

We massively appreciate it when it's something we need, but not so much when it's the fourth raincoat in that size (though the thought still counts!).

If she actually is selling them, then they may genuinely not be needed, but she's unwilling to offend you (but doing so anyway). Maybe ask your son what they'd like for their next gift or ask for a list?