Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

I would thank you but from her side, with her holding down a busy job and a husband that works away maybe she is just trying to cope and sees you as a safe pair of hands.

Is it worth asking what the kids need for Christmas next time or I was thinking about this, what do you think?

She sounds absolutely horrible.

You're fine to pick up her children (yes I know, and her son's children but this isn't about him) five days a week AND school holidays but she can't even trouble herself to thank you for the gifts you give before she sells them?!

Honestly it sounds like she's on Mumsnet and has completely and emphatically decide to embody the "my MIL is for my husband to deal with". And that's being generous.

I would honestly advise you to stop doing so much childcare - not out of spite, but because you deserve to actually be able to do some stuff during the week without having your grandchildren around - and to ask your son about the gifts and the clothing. Tell him how upset it's making you that she completely ignores you when you text, and that relationships require a bit of give and take and at the moment it seems very one way on her part.

I also dispute the "two sides to a story" thing - because if things are bothering her this much, then WHY is she accepting 5 days of childcare from someone who potentially won't follow her guidelines for her children?

@Fallenfairy I'm no surprised you're upset. I would be too. Your DIL is rude in the extreme and your son is - at best - an absent father who won't take any responsibility; meanwhile, it sounds like you're biting your tongue, smothering your feelings because you don't want to rock the boat - all the while being the person doing all the favours.

Iid speak to your son. Just say dgc said you sell the gifts I buy, is there a problem with them, what could I get that would be better? I’d also ask your son if he can send picks of children at Easter.

You don't think it's rude to not once respond to a text message? Not one thank your MIL for physical gifts let alone daily childcare? Why are you suggesting that the OP needs to do the reaching out - again?

I find this attitude baffling. If this was a friend, you'd readily admit it was rude; but somehow, when it's an adult child and their spouse, it's like the only way to tread is softly lest they rescind any favours of letting you do childcare for them.

Sorry if I have misled you all.
My son is hands on dad when he is home and he takes over from me and I get a break.
He sends me photos when he’s here.
He replies to my texts.

Is your brother childless and are the set to inherit from him?

Could it be that she makes an extra effort with your brother because she feels she needs to, eg to make a good impression because she doesn't know them as well as you?

She doesn't have to impress or please you because you're there anyway, and closer to her family than her dh's uncle.

My dm always buys my golden child brother expensive gifts, pays for when they go out etc and doesn't even buy me a coffee. I asked why once and she said because I turn up anyway!

Still doesn't feel nice though

You don't think it's rude to not once respond to a text message? Not one thank your MIL for physical gifts let alone daily childcare?

but why would the mil be texting his wife rather than her son?

my mum kindly did 2 days a week of childcare for us when our girls were small. The thank you texts, thank you presents etc all came from me, as her daughter. If she had a text to send, she sent it to me. Why on earth would my husband be the one communicating with my mother?!? Which is exactly the same as here, except sexes reversed.

I think she feels guilty - due to internalised misogyny, possibly - about not looking after her own children.

If this were a commercial arrangement with a childminder, she could brush it off - it's precisely because it's not commercial that it triggers her. You are, literally and symbolically, 'mothering' her children for her.

She's possibly also projecting her own mother's perceived disapproval onto you, because you're of the same generation.

She must also know that this has been, and is, a massive sacrifice for you, and possibly resents being forced (by logic - it's obviously so much better for the GC than industrial childcare) to take this gift from you. She may resent what she therefore owes you, at a transactional level. She might also have some unconscious contempt for you for being so 'weak' as to make that sacrifice.

All these feelings are nothing to do with you, and nor can you do much about them. They are irrational - but they may be all the more powerful for it.

Very difficult OP. As ever, the only way to deal with them is to talk openly about them. I think it can be done, but you'd need to think how you did so through very carefully, perhaps with the help of a psychotherapist.

She sounds super rude.. why don’t you start an investment account for the kids instead, gives you an out from buying gifts if they are not well received and also decide what you want to do moving forward and if it’s worth rocking the boat (and if you need a break from 5 days a week childcare!!)

Maybe he could change jobs so that you don’t have to do it all for him?

Not really.I woukd send to someone I don't see. I would send to someone who sees them 5 days a week.

Also the son is thanking you. Perhaps she is assuming that this is enough. Perhaps she is actually setting boundaries with him that this is his task and not automatically "wife work".

Ungrateful, with a set to her jaw.

not a nice combination.

Id scale back on the present giving and accept she picks and chooses who she's nice to, and there's nothing you can do to change that. Try not to let it get to you, she's not worth it.

What does your son do that he’s away from his family so much? It must be hard if she’s working full time with no one around at bedtimes, getting everyone up etc - I imagine she’s exhausted.

With gifts, do you ask what they’d like? My kids have so much we never ever expect anything but my in laws will ask us if there’s anything they’d like or need, and they’ll get that. It’s actually so helpful - eg at Christmas they bought the new winter coats we’d had our eye on. I’ll admit, my own mother will buy things at random for the kids and so much of it I just really don’t like. I’ve tried to gently suggest she doesn’t need to do it, they have plenty, but she still does it!

Is DIL close/friendly with her husbands siblings? Maybe this is why she’s sending them photos, and your son sends you photos?

The one area I think she’s being off and totally uncalled for is ignoring your text messages. What kind of things are you asking/is she ignoring?

This isn’t exhaustion, being too busy or anything else - this is intentional & incredibly rude. It’s covert but passive aggressive, so that you cannot really say or do anything, because she’s meeting basic criteria of being clipped & polite at handovers. I feel for you esp with the amount of time & energy you’re putting in to raise the DC for her & your DS.

Your DIL sounds like she knows the difference between good & bad manners (if she’s successful in her career, is v disciplined around the DC’s routines & diets & everything else. To not know that it is good manners to thank & show gratitude to the person that’s enabling their family to function & not only that, her DC to have a loving and supportive GM - doesn’t really fit here).

Yes there is OP’s son who refers to his DW as The Boss which tells a lot. Yes he could be using that old trope to exempt himself from family duties but I suspect if he started posting thank yous of the DC with heir gifts, DIL would not be happy.

W’ever her reasons, jealousy, insecurity, territoriality - don’t waste time trying to understand her behaviour because regardless of any of those reasons - her actions are not warranted by it.

I don’t blame you Op for being worried that if you make any requests no matter how tiny, she can withdraw your access to your DGC at her choosing. It’s a horrible & precarious bind so many GP’s find themselves in. I would just be warned that as soon as you are no longer required to be their childcare, your DC will ice you out even further. Which can be extremely painful.

I would start a plan of more boundaried contact on your part. Becoming less available. Which is sad because all you want to do is help, by the sounds of it, you presumably enjoy the role & ofc love spending time with your DGC. Unfortunately your DIL for w’ever reason isn’t altogether comfortable with that. But is happy to continue to use your services, all the while letting you know of her subtle disapproval (or w’ever it is).

Ok if she sells some gifts if the place is over whelmed with toys & stuff. But there are ways of showing up in relationships & your DIL is showing you hers. Good luck x

I think she sounds awful. They should be thanking you over and over again. Five day a week childcare from being babies? You have saved them an absolute fortune and loads of running around dropping off and picking up. Never mind you worrying about upsetting her, it should be the other way round.

She is incredibly rude. No excuse for bad manners.

My now ex MIL is not someone I would spend time with. We are nothing alike. But I have always thanked her in person or by text for the hideous presents she has bought for me and the DC. I still do even though she is my ex MIL. Basic manners.

Either she’s very rude, or she thinks your dom does the thank yous. If he thanks you in person it’s quite likely he says yeah yeah I’ve thanked mum.

Can all those detailing that the dil is super rude confirm that their own husbands are directly sending their own mother (as in the husbands mil) thank you texts in duplicate to the text that’s coming from you, their daughter when their children receive a gift? Are your husbands also sending photos of your kids to your mum?

She sounds like she is taking you for granted! I can understand the clothes if they are not to her taste but she should say so that you could get something different. But Easter eggs are Easter eggs! and if your brother got pictures then so should you. It might be that you see the kids all the time and she is taking that for granted - not in a bad way but in a way that you see them everyday, do you need a picture?

I would jokingly text her and say I am staying with my brother wheres my picture?

I think you need to gently let her know that although you see the kids all the time, you also want all the pictures ect that grandparents get.

Message the group chat “jimmy said you sell the gifts I send for them- would you rather I put into a little savings account for when they are older?’
hard to be offended but gets the message said

I am sorry your DIL is not saying thank you for the presents you buy. It’s very rude of her. Can you speak to your son about it?

@Whoops75 "I think your dil is frustrated that you are providing the support she actually needs from her husband. She must be quite lonely and overwhelmed when he is away so much."

Jeez, so the answer is to be fucking rude and unkind to the one person that is helping her - big time! Sorry, but that's just twisted. I wouldn't expect the DIL to make a bronze statue of the OP and worship it daily, but basic decent human manners are not difficult and come pretty naturally to most of us.

People who do not thank you are rude. I would not be in awe of her. And be confident around her.

My family have a group WhatsApp, I get sent photos from both my daughters and 2 son-in-laws, plus thanks from whichever family I’ve helped, be it childcare, lifts to appointments, shopping etc. We all appreciate each other.