Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

I don't think you are too sensitive no. However, I would look to your DS for communication rather than DIL. It's really up to him to send photos and thanks for presents rather than her.

You have saved her thousands and thousands and THOUSANDS of pounds in nursery fees, not to mention the added value of never having to find emergency or last minute care, and are still saving her money, time and effort in caring for her children after school and in the holidays. If she really can’t be arsed to recognise this and acknowledge you then I would be cutting back. It sounds as though you love the children dearly and want to keep contact with them so in your shoes I would be offering care at half term holidays, inset days and maybe school drop off , but not long holiday care or school pick up.

I would be unavailable for emergency care because I would be finding lots of lovely things to do with my freed up days

I have used she and her but actually your son is as rude as his wife and both are taking you for granted.

People take you at your own value. You've done an awful lot for them, in fact dedicated your retirement. It's time that you actually thought about what you want to do. Stop being so readily available. Time they started to make their own arrangements. Your grandson has quite plainly given an explanation as to why you never see anything you buy the grandchildren. Ask your son directly. If you see less of your grandchildren so be it.

What? Feels threatened? Then maybe she should pay for childcare instead of getting OP to parent them for free.

I love how you haven't mentioned ops son at all, as if the kids are just the financial and emotional responsibility of the DIL.

Where did I say I didnt thank her? Of.course she was thanked.

Well at least you know now why you never see the presents. The CF is selling the stuff!! How rude and lesson learned that children will say what they see. Busted 🤣 Im guessing you have done all the childcare free of charge.
Perhaps you should start charging her for childcare in the future!!

👏

I wonder if you ask Bil to send with his gifts, gifts from you but ask him not to say they are from you.

You can only tell if it is because the gift is from you that she doesn’t put the clothes on GC and sells them instead.

If she sends Bil a picture then you know.
(You know anyway but it’s nice to confirm these things)

Personally any presents would be presented to dc when they are with you. Keep everything at your house. Clothing can be a spare set of stuff. Toys to be played with at your house.
Tell your DS you are going to organise a day out eg to Legoland on a certain date and asking if they would like to join you, your treat.
Then watch what she does.

You don’t have to book anything but it would be interesting to see what she does

Going forward I would look to giving gifts as non physical things eg experience days, trips to the cinema, theatre, days out and experiences. Where you have control over the item

And yet, OP never mentioned the benefit her son was getting at all.

I added him on! Perhaps you missed it.

Their mother is the main parent. Looking after kids a few hours a day during the week doesn’t make you the main parent. OP is the grandparent providing childcare.

I didnt actually say you did or said anything. I was asking how/why/if you really only learnt this from Mumsnet.

This DIL doesn’t thank the MIL (weird to me) and you said you only learnt to show MIL the kids in their gifts from Mumsnet. I knew/thought to do this before I had kids or Mumsnet. I am not attacking you - for me it was always part of basic manners.

Very often you see on here women saying they leave their Mil to their DH and it's fine. My Bil has this with his Mil, says anything to do with her is his DW's job.

But and it's a big but, they are using you a lot too much and there doesn't seem to be much care, attention or thought to your feelings.

She is ungrateful and therefore undeserving of your help, especially as it sounds like your son and DIL can afford childcare. They have made many thousands of pounds from your unpaid labour.

I would also completely by-pass them in your will, as they've had quite enough money from you: Leave the money in trust for your grandchildrens' house deposits. I am sure they love you and will appreciate this lasting gift.

Your misogyny still shines through even with your additional sentence when you realised you've suggested that childcare, and all finances relating to children are all the DILs responsibility.

And I do sympathise, I saw my Fil's msgs to other people a while back (whilst fixing a problem he had with the phone) and they are literally all heart emojis, whereas any communication with me is literally being told what to do...

It did change my view of him and our relationship considerably. I know he always made far more effort with my Bil and Sil but really I (and DH) now think we're staff, rather than family. It's not a great feeling.

OMG you did full time child care for them for nothing in return -no nice gifts, no days out on them, no lovely holidays with them.
You have been a doormat and they treat you like one -in fact I don’t believe yours is a genuine post as no one would agree to be such an unappreciated servant.

Your son sounds awful.

he should be so so grateful to you and all your help over the years that have allowed him to work overseas.

just gobsmacked that he isn’t more grateful.

why did he even have kids if he doesn’t see them?

Exactly this
I would withdraw your offer of free childcare with immediate effect - maybe your brother can pick this task up!!

The casual misogyny on this thread is shocking. It wasn’t until about 10 posts in before a poster made the comment that actually this is the son’s job. And even after that more posts berating the women (who, yes, does sound rude), but possibly understandable if your husband does fuck all parenting and you’re expected by his family to do the wife work.

I agree.
I think she probably does sell the clothes , why would a child say that otherwise?
In future i would give cash or vouchers only , she sounds horrible, whether you are her 'cup of tea' or not as a friend you are doing her an absolutely massive service as a grandmother looking after her children so she should be treating you with gratitude and the same respect you show her.

This was my first thought too.
You have an old-fashioned view OP. You are helping with the grandchildren to enable your SON to work.
You make it sound as though the entire burden of child-related responsibility is hers' alone.
He's thanking you in person for gifts. What is HE doing about the clothes you hand over and never see again? Does he never dress his own children? And if so, is that how you and his father brought him up?

Omg so so many of these posts!! So misogynistic. Has it even occurred to you that this free childcare enables HER SON to have a career?!? Ffs.

Or maybe what Fallenfairy does allows her to work.
Even if the DS didn’t travel and worked a normal 9-5 job dc would still need to be dropped off and picked up.
No amount of excuses justifies this level of rudeness towards the person who is saving them thousands.

The fact she can be arsed to send Bil photos of the dc with his gifts but sells Fallenfairy‘s
is shockingly rude.
I can’t believe anyone is defending this woman.

Even if there were reasons behind the rudeness towards Fallenfairy
Either Fallenfairy is trusted and good enough to look after dgc or she isn’t. You can’t take and take and take and expect to do so whilst treating that person as some personal hired help without pay
Even with pay, hired help would be treated better as a good one is hard to find and you don’t want them leaving you high and dry