Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

How you’ve written your post does sound awful.
But, wouldn't it be a bit weird to send a photo of kids you see 5 days a week, and presumably you take your own pictures/already know what they look like - its a different situation to distant relatives that send a one off present to thank I’d say.
Could it not be that you see them all so often, you are part of the furniture and the nuclear family rather than someone who has to be fawned over for sending an Easter egg?
Clothes are a very personal thing - my MIL always used to get our kids stuff, but they never liked them, so didn’t wear them. Maybe get the kids to choose themselves if they're old enough?

Speak to your son but very gently. This is rude behaviour but she may not realise it. Kids do say odd things so it may not be true.

You sound very kind and lovely. As someone has posted on here already you sound like a dream MIL! I think I can count the times on one hand my in laws have come to see my 9 month old since birth!!
I don’t think you’re being sensitive at all. When my first nephew was born I bought lots of clothes and had similar, never saw him in them and learnt SIL only wanted the top brands and I too was upset. I make a big deal of sending pictures of the things people get my daughter even if it’s not to my taste.
no advice- just wanted to say you sound lovely and I don’t think your being sensitive

If you didn't do all the childcare that you did and still do, would you still see your grandchildren? Are you invited to birthday celebrations and trips out with the grandchildren? What happens at Christmas?

It sounds as though your DIL is treating you like paid staff but without the payment.

It very odd that your brother receives thanks for Christmas and birthday presents but you never do. That's very rude of both your son and his wife. You have facilitated their careers and saved them thousands of pounds in childcare fees.

No wonder you are upset and questioning the relationship with your son and his family.

Blimey you sound like the dream mother in law. She sounds rude, even if she's shy or reserved not to say thank you, reach out with any warmth, I can't imagine being like that. What a shame. I can understand it could be awkward to have different taste in children's clothes but you've recognised that. It sounds like you go above and beyond.

This!

I can understand why you are hurt 💐. She sounds thoughtless at best, rude at worst.

Maybe talk to your son?

I was probably a bad daughter in law as I never realised until I joined Mumsnet thst I was supposed to make sure MIL saw DS in any if the many clothes she bought him!

(He did wear the ones thst fitted but due to medical issues he puked frquently and had poonamis several times a day so the chances him being in them for more than an hour or two were remote).

Did you also not realise before
Mumsnet that you thank people for gifts? 🤔🤨

Although OP has her grandkids 5 days a week so highly likely they’ll eventually wear the clothes.

If they have been kept

I wouldn't necessarily read a lot into it - if she sees you nearly every day and associates you with the daily grind, it's true she might be taking you for granted, but that's not the same as actively disliking you.

If your brother is more of a distant figure she might put more effort in. Aren't many of us more polite with the people we know less well?

Either way, I'd slow down completely on the gifts. Look after your grandchildren if it's what you want to do, do it for you and the kids, not her.

You sound a great and involved grandparent, and very supportive of your DS and his wife

Are you getting thanks at all for the gifts? A thankyou in person from your son is enough tbh, I don't think youe DIL needs to also thankyou. Not replying to your texts is rude though

Perhaps your DIL is resentful for your son? What is he actually doing in all of this parenting/mental load wise? He won't engage in arrangements and defaults back to her (the boss), he's working away. Is he taking photos of his DC and sending them to you? Is he sending messages of thanks? Does she see it as his job to arrange things with his family/send photos/thanks of their presents. Why do you see that as her responsibility

Not sending thank yous is extremely rude. She clearly views you as an unpaid childcarer/dogsbody..... and 5 days per week is way too much!
Start cutting back on the childcare and/or sit down and have a proper, businesslike conversation with both your son and DIL.

How often do you spend time with your grandchildren, other than looking after them?
Your son and dil are using you for their own advantage, treating you like an unpaid carer!
I have 5 grandchildren and have looked after them all at various times, when my two daughters went back to work. I still look after them by babysitting, picking up from school on odd occasions, if one is ill but parents can’t get time off work etc. But both my daughters AND both son-in-laws thank me and appreciate me. I also see both sets of families every week, I’m lucky that I have close relationships with them all. I even went on holiday with the 9 of them last year and have been invited again this year. So I definitely do feel appreciated.
I can see that how you’re being treated must be very hurtful, you need to voice your concerns and tell them you feel taken for granted. After all who would pick up the slack if you didn’t do all you do for your son and dil?

I mean it sounds like the son is thanking for the gifts, I wouldn't also send an additional thanks. I would expect my husband to be the one thanking his mother and sending follow up photos of said gifts

The sending photos to your brother but not you sounds rather pointed to me!

What do your DD's think - do they have children?

So sorry that she treats you like this OP. Please can you come and be my MIL instead as you sound so lovely? I'd have a chat to your son about it xxx

Do you think maybe she thinks it’s you who doesn’t want to chat? Do you ever ask her how her day has been when you drop the children off, or do you assume that she doesn’t want to talk? I’m asking in a non judgmental way, because I’m wondering whether you both think the other isn’t a warm person.

do you and your DH both separately thank your in laws for gifts?

You sound like a wonderful grandparent.

I would just be careful to avoid falling into the trap of feeling that you are doing DIL a favour, and that she is responsible for everything child and household related. It sounds like your son and DIl both work demanding, full time jobs , so he is just as responsible for sending thank you messages, making arrangements etc. You’re letting him off the hook a bit.

Selling the presents is pretty rude, unless they’ve previously asked you to stop buying. Just buy toys/ clothes that stay at your house in future .

I dont think its very kind, especially as you have the children so often! Does she ever thank you or show her appreciation for the childcare?

YANBU for being upset. However, I wouldn't do anything that could risk your relationship with your grandchildren.

Ask your son to send you photos, and thank you for the gifts.

If your DIL doesn't respond to your texts, then contact him.

She's working and parenting when he's away, she's maybe just fed up that he gets to opt out of the parenting part for his job, yet she's expected to juggle it all.

It's probably resentment towards him, rather than you.

Maybe she's jealous of the time you get with them? My MIL is a kindergarten teacher so she knows how to interact with my kids and they absolutely love her. I want them to have a great bond with her but I still feel jealous sometimes when they prefer to play with her.

She is rude and is taking advantage of your generosity. Tell her to pick her own kids up from School.

She sounds very very rude and ungrateful, especially since you are providing childcare for free which enables her to have her career.

If my mother in law watches my dog for the afternoon, I thank her!

I would 100 percent talk to your son and alsp ask him if she sells your gifts.