Am I too sensitive about this situation with my DiL?

[Fallenfairy]

I’ve always read on here about difficult mother in laws and have really tried not to be one. I never interfere, I never visit without being invited( which is rare).
My DiL is a very reserved person. She’s an excellent mother and wife.
I have always had a cordial relationship with her.
As I’m retired I have looked after my grandchildren from being babies five days a week, whilst she holds down a very responsible and well paid job. Now they are all in full time school I take and collect them each day and cover school holidays.
I follow all my DiL’s directions about how the children should be looked after.
I feel like I try really hard to do everything as she would wish.
However I have noticed some things that make me question what she thinks about me and I wonder if I’m being too sensitive.
Sometimes I have to text her but she never replies to any text I send not even a thumbs up.
Also I have bought presents over the years, clothes maybe which I never see the children wearing. I realised early on that my taste may not be hers so since then I have always chosen the brands she favours.
Still never a thank you or any acknowledgment at all. I never see the clothes again.
My son will say thank you in person. I’ve always thought that maybe she thinks that’s enough.
Two things have happened recently my brother remarked to me how good my DiL is at sending photos of the children wearing the presents they have received from him and his wife.Then my grandson said to me out of know where that “mummy sells the presents you give to us”.
I know children can say silly things but I wonder if that’s why I never see the presents. These are just regular birthday, Christmas presents. I didn’t question him so as not to make a thing of it, but it troubled me.
This Easter I just gave eggs not clothes and still no thank you or even a photo. It would not bother me once upon a time but now I know
my brother has heard from them, as I’m staying with him this Easter and he had several photos of my grandchildren with the Easter things he had sent.
I suddenly feel quite sad. Is it normal for her never to reply to any text I send or to communicate with me in any way other than what time to pick up and drop off whilst standing on the door step. If I ask my son about arrangements etc he always says “ask the boss”. He is away from home for weeks at a time with his job.

I don’t want to make any sort of waves.

I wouldn’t discuss it with anyone in real life.
I should just say I have never expected to be paid for child care and would never accept any money. So it’s not as though she can view it as a commercial arrangement.
I really feel confused about the situation and wonder if I should just back off and have a bit of time to myself. If I did I’m afraid I might not have much contact with my grand children whom I love dearly again. Or am I being too super sensitive and hers is just normal behaviour of a busy woman and nothing to get so stressy about?

Groups are one thing. But The op is sending direct messages to her DIL rather than her son. I was just querying how many direct messages flow between a grandma and her son-in-law, with her own daughter just expected to give a cursory thanks in person. If theyre there, which they mostly aren’t.

This is a great response!

I suspect she’s mightily pissed off with your ds who has effectively outsourced his parenting responsibilities, and it seems the ‘wife work’ to you. And you expecting, or hoping for, responses to messages that her she wishes had been sent to her dh, is one straw too many.

So give her another task to do, that really should be done by her dh? Not sure that’s a great idea at all…

Best your son and DIL pay for their own childcare, if they’re this critical. Stop the childminding.

I would imagine she is expecting your son to say thank you and send photos. Tbf, it’s his responsibility.

I agree.
She doesn’t deserve you @Fallenfairy ☹️

Sadly she sees you as staff and nothing more.. Speak to your ds.... Maybe he has no idea..

If my mum texted my husband directly about something, yes I would think him rude if he just didn't respond? What sort of a ridiculous question is this?

Have you considered not buying any more presents at all and saving that money in accounts for your grandchildren for when they turn 18? Based on the fact that DIL is selling all the gifts you buy she clearly doesn’t appreciate your presents and I would wonder what she is doing with the cash from the sale of gifts.
DIL doesn’t sound a particularly nice person tbh.

Why would she text her son who isn't home aboit childcare? Her son communicates when he is home. DIL is rude.

@Fallenfairy Withdraw childcare after the Easter holidays. Let her sort out paid childcare. Tell your son why. Manners cost nothing and most people say thank you for gifts to children even to people they don't like. Stop buying gifts and tell your son you will take the children shopping instead.

DIL shouldn't be sending photos and thank yous to her husband's uncle in that case.

It's awful she is treating you that way after all you have done for them. Not to make excuses for her, but I wonder if she feels threatened by you or jealous of you, because you are basically the one raising her kids. As for communication, can you text her in a group chat with your DS so either of them can respond, and he can at least see when she doesn't respond?

I also message both my son-in-laws if I need a response to something which directly affects them, it IS common courtesy that messages aren’t one sided, as in op’s case.
I’m also interested to know if the pick up and drop off for school is done on the actual doorstep? Op, do you not go in to your son and dil’s home at these times? Or are they dropped off for you to do the school run and then picked up by dil from your home? Again, are they ‘handed over’ on the doorstep?

You sound like a lovely person who is being taken advantage of . You are doing a huge amount of childcare and she has no right to treat you like this . I would back off , offer a couple of days a week pick up from school and a couple of days a week in the school holidays . She is treating you appallingly , don't tolerate it .

Do somethings for yourself . Join an art group , do some volunteering , I say this as a nana who is appreciated for the small amount of childcare I offer . I feel really annoyed on your behalf !

She’s unbelievably rude, and you are absolutely not being at all sensitive 💐

It’s no excuse, but I wonder if it’s jealousy, because you’re such a lovely grandmother, compared to her as a mother. Perhaps she’s quite cold to her DCs in comparison to you as their grandmother.

With someone like her, personally I wouldn’t rock the boat, as I suspect with a character like that she could become quite nasty.

I think the only answer is acceptance and coming to terms that she is a selfish and entitled woman, but out of her being married to your son, you have wonderful grandchildren.

Hopefully one day she’ll realise how lucky she is.

It doesn’t sound very balanced to be honest unless you genuinely love giving up all this time to your grandchildren then I wouldn’t think twice about your son and dil.

There have been times I have thanked the people closest to me less than I should have, people less close I would have made more effort with. I have basically taken them for granted.

Generally I also do think it should have been/be my DH thanking my MIL as she is helping all of us, but DH is the common factor. However my DH is particularly poor at this and I have taken over all mothers day card buying, MIL birthday cards/ gifts/ Christmas presents. He will go to visit them, with or without me. However he never invites them over, arranges trips or invites them to children related activities - so I do any of this via him (not a lot, just occasional) - trying to think of things they might be interested in etc I hope she considers a thank you from him, is from both of us.

Maybe she feels you do so much and doesn't want to offend you about the clothes? My SIL is very particular about what her DC wear, they don't have expensive clothes but if does insist certain clothes for certain activities for example.

This!
Why is it her fault and none of it on your son?
Can he not thank you? Can he not send a photo?
Do you think you're solely helping her with childcare as you enable her to go to work whilst your son has his important job?

Why is she the ogre?

What have I just read?
You are free childcare for them and she hasn't the basic manners to reply to you?

My goodness have you been used.
No this behaviour is not normal.
It's appallingly rude.

"Could it be that she makes an extra effort with your brother because she feels she needs to, eg to make a good impression because she doesn't know them as well as you?
She doesn't have to impress or please you because you're there anyway, and closer to her family than her dh's uncle."

That was my take. I'm my DD's childcare. She would send pictures to other relatives. I feel that I don't need the same, quite formal, treatment. I'm closer to them and see the children most days. I only buy clothes for when the youngest is with me, so she can get as dirty as she likes. Anything else, I ask what's wanted, or run it passed my DD first. This is something that you address with your DS. If he is hands-on, then he can send you pictures. It depends on what the texts are about, but the lack of reply does need an explanation.

Do presents get handed over on person? I'd assumed so if you see them often. In which case surely they say the word thank you then? They don't just take it in silence? For a lot of people I know that would count as a thank you and they wouldn't think to thank again, whereas other people would also send a follow up text. It's just different ideas of how much thanks is needed. And you said yourself your son does thank you, so it wouldn't occur to me both of a couple need to separately. Whereas if it's an uncle they don't see as much, they may not have said thank you in person, or they may see it as a less close, therefore more formal relationship. We don't always show the people closest to us our best side unfortunately!

In terms of not wearing the presents, you may need to accept your taste is different. Our parents always give us a gift receipt for clothes in case not suitable. They also always ask what to buy kids for Xmas and birthday and we give them a list of ideas to choose from, so they know the kids will like things and no duplicates etc. Do you do that? It may be worth asking if you don't feel you current choices are hitting the mark.

Forgot to say, I probably wouldn't make as much effort sending photos to someone who sees them 5 days a week either, as they can take their own photos. Whereas a great uncle may not get to see them very often?

However, the text thing is a bit rude unless it's things that really don't need a reply or that she feels her DH should be dealing with.

So many responses suggesting the DIL is being ungrateful for the childcare and gifts behind provided by OP. Where's the son's gratitude? Or is it ok for him to be a sperm donor who can then fuck off and never have to thank anyone?

Why is DIL thanking OP's brother? Could it be that OP's son thinks he's too important/busy to do it? Or is he just lazy? DIL is probably sending the same message to everyone. Should she send it to OP too? Probably, but maybe she thinks her DH should thank his own parents.

I know my DH doesn't send thank you notes/messages. If that upsets PIL, I'm sorry, but perhaps that's a lesson they should have taught. I do send notes/messages, if I don't see people in person, and I do make our kids write proper letters. (One person in particular then writes to thank them for their thank-you notes🤣).

TL:DR, speak to your son and don't dump all the blame on your DIL.

If I were you, I'd reframe this as "As I'm retired, I do childcare for my son, as he has a responsible and well paid job..." then mentally adjust your expectations of who should be messaging and responding to you and thanking you.
I'd stop buying clothes for the DC. Buy toys and activities, take them on days out or open a savings account for them.
Your DiL isn't going to be the person you want her to be as far as you're concerned. Be glad of her good qualities and remind yourself you're doing what you're doing for your son and GC.