DM hasn’t told family I’m separated from DH

[Iwishitwerewarmer]

Separated from DH last July and I moved out of the family home. I did initially say to DM that we might be considering a trial separation but as time goes on it is obvious that there is no going back now.

My dilemma is that DM has not told any of our family (aunties, cousins etc) so at Christmas we had joint gifts and all Christmas cards were sent to the family home. A few days ago my cousin sent Easter eggs for us all to the family home. Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

My mum says she is so ashamed and that the family will “give her hell” She said that all conversations from now on will be on our separation/divorce. All of ex’s family know and all my friends/colleagues etc. The worry is that my family will somehow find out anyway although there are not many of them and we don’t see much of them.

DM is treating this as the shame of the century 🙈

... Why can't you tell people?

Why haven’t you told any of them?

Just tell them yourself.

Do you not have the option of telling them? Thanks cousin for the Easter eggs. Doesn’t look like mum has mentioned it but me and exDh are separated

Do you not have contact details for them?

Why haven't you told them yourself... 🙄

Why are you signing cards from you and your ex?

Why haven’t you told anyone?

Also if there’s a birthday in the family I have to sign the card from myself and ex like we are still together.

You don't have to do any such thing. Give the family members sending gifts and cards to your ex's house your new address.

Hi op;
id absolutely agree and the Easter eggs are good timing for communication too. Today thankyou but to also so we’ve separated now and my address is xxx

its 2026 divorce and separation is very common and should not be shameful at all. She needs to realise this but I would just tell your family yourself.

Why on earth haven’t you told your wider family yourself? (Assuming you want them to know.) It isn’t your mother’s job to inform people.

Nor is she responsible for your relationship status - so placing herself at the centre of some huge imaginary drama is … unnecessary.

Your post reads as if it's just your DM behaving like this, but if you are signing cards from you and ex then you're complicit in this!

I can’t think of a single reason why you are unable to tell them yourself. Are you an adult?

Yes I don't understand why you haven't told people.

Why are you colluding with this deception by signing cards as though you are still together?

Personally I can't stand deception and lying and that's what your DM , and you for that matter are doing.

Why are you accepting your DM's " shame" when she should actually be ashamed of her attitude?

@Iwishitwerewarmer you haven’t said if you and / or your mother are subject to some religious or societal pressure. Or is this simply a matter of personality?

She would be horrified if I went over her head.

How come she has this type of authority in the situation?

Over her head, how very odd.

Are you not an adult?

Is your mother the reason why your marriage broke down, due to interfering?

There's no reason whatsoever why you couldnt have told them yourself.

As for your mother being horrified, so what? Adulthood comes with lots of pros and lots of cons. One of the cons is that sometimes we sometimes have to have difficult conversations with people - it's just part of being a grown up.

This one is on you, not your mum!

No, nothing like that but divorce in her mind is a huge scandal! I love my mum and dad but they live very insular lives and have very dated views. They don’t have any friends or see many people. It is becoming awkward now as the family ask after my ex and my mum moans that she has to lie to them all. It feels like the more time goes on she is making it out to be this huge monstrous thing.

Your mum sounds very old fashioned.

Even if she doesn't like what has happened, it has happened. Pretending otherwise helps nobody and I imagine the wider family will feel more upset about being kept in the dark than they do about the separation.

I would suggest that you tell your mum that either she tells people or you will. I appreciate that might not be easy but it has to be done. It sounds a really unhealthy dynamic all round, all of you pretending and fearing one another.

I certainly wouldn't be prolonging the deception by agreeing to sign your ex's name on cards.

How could you possibly 'go over head'? It's your life and your business.

How horrible for you that you are going through an incredibly difficult time and you are worrying about this nonsense too. It is not about your selfish mum, it is your business.

Tell someone today! Tell the nice cousin that brought the Easter eggs and find your anger with your mum.

So let her be horrified?

I’ve tried to reassure her and say that yes people will be shocked and sad for us but it’s not the scandal she thinks it is and mostly people are thinking about their own lives. She acts like I’m a gigantic failure now even though I have a lovely home, a job I enjoy, I’m a good mum and I have lots of friends and interests.

If you are old enough to be married (and separated), you are old enough to tell people yourself, however your mum reacts. That is on her.

Read up on FOG and why you are allowing your parent to control your life like this.