Is he just not that into me?

[Joyful26]

Ok this is driving me crazy, which has led me to wonder if the root of the problem is he’s just not that into me.

me and DP are mid 40s and been together 6.5yrs.

we both have 2 teenage dc each.

when we met it was totally incredible. There was no doubt we’d be together forever. I didn’t want to get married again particularly but we were saying we would have a celebration of love ceremony so we could still get everyone together and mark our commitment and love etc.

we moved in together 3 years ago which involved moving mountains with our 4 kids, schools and exes.

we managed it and it was predictably mainly difficult/awful.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up. He was very aggrieved at having to move out. But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy, but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.

since he moved out 2 months ago I’ve suggested the following things:
loca comedy night
camping with friends and kids at half trrm
canping ourselves in the summer (he doesn’t want to spend money)

it’s been a no to everything.
he’s only said he loves me once- kind of under pressure.
doesn’t get in touch ever. But he’s been spending weekends at my house while he sorts out his house.
he joked our relationship is just parkrun and sex and I cannot get over that.

on the positive side he helps me with everything when he’s at mine: laundry, housework, bins, diy, gardening. And when I say helps he basically does it all as he’s very practical.

but there is no desire to be connected in any way.
he left today with me asking when we’d next see each other. Him not answering, then basically saying in 2 weeks. It makes me feel like shit.

I’m sorry it sounds like someone else has appeared on the scene.

Nope it's over. It sounds like he's using your house to store stuff and you for some sex until he's sorted!

I agree with this point of view, and it was exactly what I was going to write.

I think he was reluctant to move out as was comfortable, but now realises he likes being in his own place more than he thought he would. He also probably felt rejected when you asked him to move out.

He has moved on OP and isn't interested anymore. The relationship has run its course. I think you should have a proper discussion about ending things officially.

I'm sorry OP, living with teens is hard. i know that I cannot parent my kids and have my boyfriend living with us. Nope.

Please find the bravery to ask him where you are. It will probably hurt you, but it sounds pretty miserable wondering (I've been in a similar situation, he did care but was generally useless and not able to meet even basic relationship needs).

You deserve to feel like you matter to someone ❤️❤️

I am amazed at a the majority of responses on here....I can't even begin understand the mindset of some people...
TLDR, Op asks bf to move out then gets upset when he doesn't seem as invested in the relationship and everyone seems to think he's the wrong'un....

You put your DC through the mill for a relationship with a man who has turned out to not be anywhere near as good as he seemed and you’d hoped. Don’t compound that by spending more time and energy on him now. Use it for yourself and DC.

Your relationship with this man has been very damaging to all the children involved. You knew the right decision was for him to move out as it quickly became toxic for the kids they were being criticised, resented and they felt unwanted. Instead of feeling insecure over this man that you have recognised as being emotionally toxic you need to concentrate on those poor children.
They need you to put them first, their need of love, acceptance and stability from you is far more important than you mooning over that man. Make your house a home they feel wanted, listened to and have their own space. No more sharing with strangers, no rows over who’s DC are more important and a mum who puts them before romance.

Agreed.
Once again, the man haters are out in force.

Don’t beg for scraps. If you have to wonder if he is into you, then he’s probably not. Saying I love you once in all those years (and that was under pressure) says it all.

Print this out and put it by your bed/ on your wardrobe door. Everytime you wobble/ feel sad/ etc read the post and your reply. He is not/ has not been a lovely man for a long time. Presumably he's good at practical things so it's no great effort for him to do them. Doing them = sex from you then off he goes. That's vile

You kicked him out of your home against his wishes and despite his concerns about affordability and you wonder why he isn't in to you anymore?? Blended families are difficult but in a committed relationship, you work through it. My guess is that he thinks you are not interested in doing that. Why would he? Do you not see how your actions might have destroyed this relationship?

No, not just her, actually.

Not really, depends entirely on the situation

my boyfriend and I were renting together. He wanted to start saving for a house (for us) and save on rent. He also wanted to get a better job with better progression - so he moved out of our rented house and went back to his parents so he could save. I did the same, and now we alternate weekends (I go to him for one, he goes to mine for two, and we have one weekend apart typically (mostly so I can pick up more hours at work)

I think you did the right thing prioritising your teens over a partner.

Sulking and the cold shoulder are control techniques - whether deliberate or not. I’d get the last of his stuff out of your house and give him space to seethe. If he comes back, you can see if you can start afresh with a new relationship dynamic. If he doesn't, you haven't lost anything of worth.

Sadly, it seems like he was partly in it for the financial perks. That’s a sad reflection on his worth as a man, NOT yours as a woman

I hate to be the one to say it, but he wants to break up with you and just doesnt have the bottle to do it/doesn't want to be the bad guy.

Did you read her post about why she had to ask him to move out - the constant emotional violence meted out to her and her children from the day he moved in….dressed up in the classic manipulative ‘nice/nasty’ cycle to keep the OP confused and gaslit.

Classic abuser profile - Mr Nice Guy whilst he was grooming the woman with a house and the mask slips and his nasty compulsions kick in once his cock lodging ambitions had been achieved. Despite the turmoil in the home impacting all 4 teens including his own - he didn’t want to move out because it would cost him money! Also looks like he has two kids already by two different women and he has now failed yet again for at least a third time now to behave himself - so I would say the common denominator is him.

OP needs to get this distraction out of her life and pivot back to look to repair the undoubted emotional damage this abuser had on her vulnerable teens over the last 3 years - spend some time researching emotional abuse and the impact on children of living in a home where they see, hear and sense domestic abuse directly towards their own mother as well as to themselves at this vulnerable age.

anyway DP has now moved out but we haven’t split up.

he hasn't just moved out, it was 2 months ago

He was very aggrieved at having to move out.

but he did,
and not only did he move out - he chose to buy somewhere, not rent.
Buying a property ( even if it is smaller than your home ) takes times - it's not something that happens overnight ( whether he paid in cash or got a mortgage )

But now he’s absolutely delighted with his new place, as are his dc. I’m excluded from all that joy,

well you didn't buy it with him, he chose a home for him and his family - at your request

but he’s still storing most things at my place because it’s bigger.
since he moved out 2 months ago

2 months is plenty of time for him to find storage in his new home for his belongings, he either wants/needs them or not - so he can either take them, sell them, charity shop them or bin.

Apart from your home being a storage facility and you being a fwb - it's over
you have indeed split up

and maybe that is not a bad thing, he doesn't seem to be very nice to you...

otherwise he would be making plans for his social life with you, despite the Easter school holidays being here.

Just popped back to this thread to see how it's going, and it seems to me OP is facing some rather harsh criticism from some, because she made a mistake in the past and chose to blend families.

It WAS a mistake - but she is not the first woman to make it and won't be the last. At least she has done what she can to put it right, and actually done quite a hard thing, in choosing ask this man to leave, despite her evident feelings for him.

There is nothing else she can do at this point - she can't turn back the clock.

I took made the same mistake, when I decided to rent a house with my partner - but when I saw it wasn't right for my daughter and I, I got myself into a financial position to buy my own place (small, and mortgages to the hilt, but still it's a nice two bedroom flat in a nice area and suitable for my daughter and I for the next few years) and I left.

I regret the decision to cohabit at all, but I didn't have a crystal ball, and I can't turn back the clock. Criticising someone for a mistake they now understand and have put right in the best way they can, is a bit pointless.

And OF COURSE the guy is hurt, we can all see that. But, he made the decision to enter into a relationship with a mother - nobody put a gun to his head - he should have realised she would always put her children first, and that that might mean her asking him to leave, if cohabitation wasn't working for her kids.

OP, having considered everything you have said about your situation and relationship, I would actually suggest a trial separation. Why don't you try 6 months without seeing him or being in regular contact - both free to date others if you wish - and at the end of that time it will be easier to see whether you still have genuine feelings for each other, or you were both just clinging to something that was effectively dead in the water out of fear of being alone.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you, whatever that looks like. And I stand in solidarity - I know you did a difficult thing, asking someone you love to leave, knowing you risked him hating you, because you realised your kids needed to come first. I think perhaps anybody who hasn't actually had to make that choice won't realise how difficult it is. We are parents so yes our kids come first in the end, but that doesn't mean we aren't also still flesh and blood women, with needs and desires and hopes of our own....

But even tho this feels awful right now, it won't feel like this forever. Something will change. Either you will separate from him fully, and in the end realise that you didn't need him that much after all, or if there is true love on both sides, you and he will discover a new way of being once the pain has eased up.

But you are in the eye of the storm now. And you have my sympathy.

He's left the relationship - find someone who can ebetter xpress his feelings (good luck XX)

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be really upset at being asked to move out. I’d be really upset! But this guy isn’t a teenager; he’s an adult and a father. Upset grown-ups need to use words and actions — ‘I’m devastated you chucked me out, I’m really angry and disappointed, I’m not sure I can get over it, I need some time to think about whether I want to be with you.’

What we’re objecting to is the cruelty of what he’s doing: keeping the OP dangling, being passive aggressive, refusing to be clear about what he wants and how he’s feeling, getting revenge by upsetting her and keeping her off balance. That’s a shit way to behave.

Even if there is some truth in this he sounds like he has no emotional maturity or literacy. He couldn't/can't stop himself acting out on all his negative feelings and doesn't know how to talk to you about your relationship. The step-family dynamics may be difficult but he is always going to take out anything challenging on you. It doesn't matter how good the nice bits are this will always be present whilst he's blind to it. Everyone has needs - don't let him silence you with the the old 'too needy' chestnut. If you can stick up for yourself by seeing that you deserve more and end the relationship you will be well on the way to a happy life with your kids and have the possibility of enjoying appropriate interdependency in a future relationship.

You and your DC deserve better than having this man in your life.

He is definitely not into you, you are just a familiar convinience to him. If he doesn't say he loves you it's safe to assume he doesn't. I'm sorry to be harsh. But I can't say it any other way.

Thank you to everyone who has commented on my thread. It’s been really reassuring to read.

I was worried I was just being silly, but the fact that we’re dealing with a six year relationship means I need to ‘man up’ and deal with it a bit more maturely.

your posts have made me realise I need to have an open and direct conversation with him.

communication is quite bad between us. We both have the default response of going silent with difficult issues. So it’s like pulling teeth to get me to say something , then pulling more teeth to get him to respond.

Your posts have also made me realise though that I’ve been glossing over the reasons he moved out in my mind.
they’re hard thoughts to deal with. And I’ve been ridiculously unrealistic thinking we can just skip over them.

truthfully he showed loads of bad character traits which make me feel unsure about him.

I think I was hoping he’d be showering me in love, because then I could jump into that with both feet.

but he has made me feel really unhappy, so I feel torn between abandoning my hopes and dreams of us, and just facing up to the bits I didn’t like and ending it.

@Joyful26

your posts have made me realise I need to have an open and direct conversation with him.

communication is quite bad between us. We both have the default response of going silent with difficult issues. So it’s like pulling teeth to get me to say something , then pulling more teeth to get him to respond.

Years ago when I was in marriage counseling with estranged DH our communications problem was that he would 'talk over me' and I would go silent. The counselor suggested that we have our conversations via email. That way he wouldn't be able to talk over me and I would be able to say what I wanted. My thoughts and words were definitely 'there', but I just kept silent because he wasn't listening. If you and DP both just sit there silently, maybe email or texts would work for you, too. Sometimes it's easier to write our thoughts than speak them. It also made us consider our words carefully to be sure they really reflected our thoughts and feelings. It also gave each of us time to consider what the other wrote before responding. It did work and saved our marriage at the time. (Our current estrangement has nothing to do with our problems back then)

But I suggest that you have a really good and hard think before you engage. You need to decide, based on 'who he is' whether or not you really want the relationship to continue. It sounds to me as if you're waking up to a lot of things about him that you really don't like. There's no point in having a 'how do we (and can we) fix this' conversation when it should be a 'goodbye and good luck' conversation.